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Stalk
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Joined: 19 Jul 2012
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11 Apr 2018, 4:52 pm

I have something to say about myself, about my attachment style, I am a fearful-avoidant

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" by Bernard Baruch

this is what I struggle with, I carry around a fake personality
I fear, that I am not telling everything, like what my expectations are
this means, nobody really gets to know me, which is unfair towards them

Apparently this stems from early childhood, by my childhood caregiver, who didn't approve of who I am as a child.

Today as an adult, I struggle of getting close to relationships. I struggle with empathy as most fearful avoidants do.

A quote from the book: How to love (or leave) a dismissive partner.

Quote:
A fearful-avoidant type both desires close relationships and find it difficult to be truly open to intimacy with others out of fear of rejection and loss, since that is what he or she has received from caregivers. Instead of the dismissive's defence mechanism of going it alone and covering up feelings of need for others by developing high self-esteem, the fearful avoidant subconsciously believe there is something unacceptable about them that makes anyone who knows them deeply likely to reject or betray them, so they will find reasons to relieve this fear by distancing anyone who gets too close. As with the dismissive, the fearful-avoidant will have difficulty understanding the emotional lives of others, and empathy, while present, is not very strong - thus there will be poor communication of feelings with his partner.

Both Ainsworth and Main found the mother of the avoidant child to be distant - rejecting of the infant's attachment needs, hostile to signs of dependency, and disliking affectionate, face-to-face physical contact, especially when the baby desired it. Her aversion to nurturance would seem to be a logical outgrowth of the neglect she probably experienced when she herself was young. Needs and belongings that were painfully unmet have become a source of hurt and shame for her. Having cut herself off from them, they make her angry, depressed, or disgusted when she sees them in her child.
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In other words, parent ego is so dominant that the child's true feelings are buried to avoid their disapproval. What the child learns to display is a false persona more pleasing to the active and admired parents. Some authors, notable Alice Miller, havea called such parenting "abuse", though it is abuse through disapproval and verbal rejection of behavior the caregiver disliked.



AngelRho
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11 Apr 2018, 11:26 pm

How important to you is it to stay single or to try for a relationship?