Help! I think my marriage is toxic

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First, I do love my wife, but I think our relationship is killing me. I'm miserable. I'm an undiagnosed aspie, with a diagnosed aspie son. My wife has Hoshimoto's disease and my stepdaughter has ADHD with major depressive disorder. Our life is a wreck, but my wife seems content and comfortable. I don't know if this comes from the Hoshi's or if she just lacks drive and ambition. I on the other hand am miserable and stressed to the max. The psychological effects of Hoshi's makes it impossible to talk to my wife because she has not emotional control. Being an aspie I'm passive-aggressive and don't say anything until I explode when I can't take it anymore.

I need someone to talk to. Somebody please help!

First off... anything private you would wish to share, I would advise picking the person you would feel most comfortable with communicating. I do have my reccomendations of which people I think could be of help to you, but I am unsure if they would help you with a private message.

Based off the Hashimoto disease, and I had to look it up. Is there any treatment your wife takes to control her thyroid gland? Secondly, is she taking any Iodine supplements? Reading up on some of the symptoms, I can tell it must be really stressful dealing with your wife on top of a diagnosed Aspie child and another with ADHD.

With that being said, I would think focus on your children's needs first before making a decision for yourself and about what to do with your wife. I am not a father, but I would imagine if in your position, I would likely have to put their wellbeing first.

Your wife seems comfortable but she doesn't have the emotional control to talk to her?
These things seem at odds. Is it that she's living in her own little world, ignoring the problems that stress you out in your family and when you try to talk to her and make those issues salient, she breaks down?

If you can't talk to your wife, that doesn't sound like a toxic marriage so much as a broken one, but you haven't given much detail besides everyone's diagnosis. When you try talking to your wife, are you actually talking or are you getting really worked up about things? Does it end in yelling? Her crying? If so, why?

My understanding of chronic lymphocyitic thyroiditis ("CLT") is that it is trivial to treat. Doesn't the hormone replacement 'just work' for virtually everyone with CLT? Perhaps it's simply a side effect of the hormone replacement therapy.

To my thinking, this indicates that there's more at play than Hashimoto's Disease. Or perhaps it was misdiagnosed? Is she maybe not taking her meds? Something is going on there. (There are no contradictions; if you find one, check your premises.)


Regardless of that, you need to get a band-aid of some kind onto your communication skills, brother. I think sooner rather than later based on the inferred tones of your post. I'd go talk to your wife about a few of the more trivial, regular annoyances you're having. Like right now. Go talk to her. You explain what you need help with, why, and what will be the end result if she helps you. This action should buy you some time to develop & effect a more permanent plan.

If you are on the spectrum, you know this frustration-laden pattern. You know where this path ultimately leads: it leads to a meltdown.

This is definitely not a time to be fooling yourself. If you're on the path to a major meltdown the worst thing you can do is lie to yourself about it. It will not be different this time.

Also note that you don't control any aspect of the final trigger that pushes you over that edge--not it's size, from where it originates, or even when it's going to happen. That's an important one to remember, which is why getting help should be considered time-sensitive. It's why you need to go chat with your wife.

You have a lot of little steps to getting better, and it'll take a little time. Remember how nice life is when things are going more smoothly. That's your motivation! Life may not have been perfectly smooth sailing for you, but it was certainly better than this, right? Right? Good! Now, all we have to do is break it all down into manageable chunks. I think that it might roughly looks something like this: (You'll need to adjust the recipe to taste.)

#1) Let's get your wife back on track. She's the other adult, and you need her help.
-o Verify she's taking her meds
-o If yes, get a 2nd opinion on the Hashimoto's diagnosis.
-o If verified, find out what else is up with your wife, or why she's the 1-in-whatever for whom the hormone replacement therapy doesn't appear to be working.

#2) You may need to get some professional help for yourself
-o You get into counseling with an Aspie specialist ASAP
-o Hunt online for tools or tricks to use to diffuse the little irritations that lead to melt-downs.


#3) Work the marriage (This is put off if you feel you're near a meltdown point, otherwise should be worked concurrently with items #1 & 2)
-o Speak to your wife about couple's counseling (not today! The immediate future is about getting a few little frustrations off your chest.)
-o Find a specialist in Aspie-family relations
-o You visit this therapist with or without her and get some guidance on your marriage & communications.

Finally, the over-arching item that supersedes everything else...
#0) Concurrent to all of the above you have to be there for your kids. I don't know what that means in your family.