Better Alternatives to Dating?

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Hey all. Been poking around not posting much for the first couple of days and decided it's time to get serious.

Spent some time poking around L&D and surprised to find so much here in complete contrast to my personal approach to dating and relationships. I don't quite get it really. I've never liked dating rituals. Never really "got" what's expected and what isn't, so I've rarely actually asked anyone out for a real "date."

In fact, not one serious relationship I've ever been in started with dating. I've always found that not specifically "looking" works a lot better for me. I'm not really sure if that's my autism, but I think that may play a strong role.

I'm middle aged, and only been in three serious relationships that lasted more than a year. I didn't date any of the three. I worked with two of them and became friends first, and the other I met through friends, but again, that started as a friendship as well.

I have been on many dates, but nothing lasting came of any of them. I don't "get" the concept of asking out someone I hardly know at all hoping something might develop from it.

To me, it makes a lot more sense to just let relationships develop naturally. I get involved with things I like, or work, and eventually meet people. Some of them are women. Some become friends, and if there is something "there" between us, it can become evolve in a more natural like manner than dating.

The last relationship I was in ended just recently after seventeen years (about six months ago). It was a rough ending, a shock, and a tough thing to go through, but I'm over it now.

The funny thing is, I really don't want to be alone, but I'm in no rush to start dating anyone for a while. I feel pretty comfortable just coasting along relearning how to be myself on my own for a while, get involved with something again, and let whatever happens happen. It's not fear at all. I flirt a little when I'm out and about, but since these women are complete strangers to me, even if there seems to be some kind of "chemistry," I still move on and don't look back, because I really don't want to waste my time getting to know anyone if that's the sole purpose.

I'd much rather just do what i would normally do, and meet women during that process. At the very least, I already know we share some kind of interest, and I'll get to know them in the pursuit of that interest, so even if we aren't compatible, it's not a waste of time. Not only that, I've found it's a far better way to get to know women since it's not a "date" and they don't have their guard up. People act more themselves if they don't think you are sizing them up. In dating situations, both parties have their guards up and are more likely to not be so much themselves, putting their best feet forward, and avoiding talking about anything that might turn me off. The same is true of me, of course.

I do have days when I feel like I can't wait to have a partner again, but it just doesn't seem worth my time to throw myself back into "the field" so to speak when there are so much better ways to meet people that are far more reliable than dating as it has evolved in this society.

Thoughts?

Last edited by Skittledeedee on 26 Nov 2012, 1:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

What, is this an unpopular perspective? On an aspie forum of all places?

I have to say, when I first opened this I thought it was going to be a "F*CK DATING, Aspies are meant to be alone, why break who you are and date like an NT."

But your post actually is very cogent.

That's advice that occurs frequently here. It is the best way to meet people for someone who may need time to warm up to someone.

I agree; I think this is the best approach for many people.
I think the reason so much focus is on dating in some formal and deliberate way on this forum is because many people here have found that just go about doing what they normally do hasn't resulted in relationships. So the obvious thing that springs to mind is to put more effort into it, wonder what they're doing wrong, etc. The ironic thing is that deliberately seeking out dates/relationships/sex doesn't seem to work that well for a lot of people here either. At least if you're just going about your life, doing what you want to do, and are open for meeting people along the way, you've lost nothing. Unless you enjoy the dating process, then putting effort, time and money into it seems odd to me when you really just want the end result. I'm sure some people joing dating sites and things because they think it's a fun pass time. But if it's not fun for you, then it seems unlikely you'll get much out of it.

Hmm. I was wondering about that. Think I'll change the title.

This thread has nothing to do with autism, just alternatives to dating.

I actually think that this is how many, if not most, relationships form. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work in my case. For me, relationships or friendships do not just happen naturally. They require a constant, sustained effort on my part, and even then that is often not enough. Not to mention, with all the Aspergers stuff, I have absolutely no concept of whether someone is interested in me or not, unless they flat out say it or make it obvious. So when I do become good friends with someone, and try to progress towards romance, it always ends in failure and has, at times, caused friendships to end as well. I think that this is one of the bigger issues that many of us on this forum face with regards to relationships: none of this happens naturally for us.

I completely understand and can relate to every word.

Same thing here. For most people I have known who are in relationships, they did put effort into them but it wasn't that huge, and they did usually get results. I have tried in the past and have failed every time. Not that I've tried much more after that, because I felt that I had no clue 1) how to act, 2) how to interpret the woman's implied or unstated behaviors, and 3) what to do "next" at any given stage. I've been extremely confused when it comes to number 2. Knew this one girl who flirted with me quite overtly for a long time, but I didn't feel ready for a relationship then. When I later tried flirting back it didn't work. So I gave up.

Don't know about others, but I have sometimes felt that if I had grown up in a culture like India or somewhere where marriages just happen and are arranged, finding a partner would simply have happened. In the west we are so crazy fixated on the coolness factor to judge a person's suitability for a relationship. If you're not cool and popular, you are seen as a freak nobody wants to associate with.

It's a shame because many such "freaks" may have a lot of love to give and not even be that bad looking.

Yeah, I feel the same way. I would have rather just been arranged TO BE MARRIED. It's not because I'm lazy, (I am also) I just totally miss every signal, and always say the wrong things. Other men don't understand when I try to tell them what happens in failures of communication , (they just say be a man, be confident). I can't be anyone but myself, maybe you guys can exaggerate and be a phony to get laid, but I can't. That's what I've heard from every guy I've talked to anyway. I think women want to believe that a guy is "special" or "important" to be with him, I don't get the time of day because I put up no such pretensions of being important. Seems like a lot of guys just use mind tricks, and women fall for them, again and again, and vice versa.

go to the strip club

I completely agree with you OP.

All the girls I've dated I was friends with them first. I never just meet someone and ask them out.

I do this mainly because I don't even know if I like them yet. It takes me time to develop a crush and I will only pursue a female if I like her personality, if I don't know her but I think she's hot - I won't care. I'll go on about my business, but if she opens her mouth and starts talking about Philosophy or video games then I'll instantly find her physically and emotionally attractive and begin pursuing a friendship with her.

A friendship I will keep that way for about a couple of times that I know her, then I will begin to flirt heavily (if she is receptive, if not I will stop), then we'll flirt back and forth for a week or two, at some point I'll ask her how she feels about me or just tell her that I'm into her and then ask her for a date.

As I made a post in some other thread somewhere, when I went about it this way I've never been rejected and I've done this a lot. It's the only way I know how. I don't like meeting some girl I hardly know and ask her out, I may not even want to pursue her romantically once I get to know her more.

That's what the friend phase is for.

1. I meet lady and begin a rapport. If she interests me, I talk to her a lot. Within a couple of days (depending on how often the interaction is) I will begin to be flirtatious.

2. If lady is receptive to my flirting, I will continue. We hang out, get to know each other more just as friends but there is an obvious underlying interest between the two of us that is established but unspoken at this point.

3. I continue to hang out with her and talk to her a lot for a certain amount of time. Naturally it depends on the circumstances and the particular lady, but typically this period lasts anywhere from 2-4 weeks, sometimes less, sometimes more.

4. At that point, I decide whether I want to ask her out. Maybe I got to know her and decided I wanted to keep it just friends. Maybe I got to know her and decided I wanted to pursue this avenue further. Whatever the conclusion, I go from there.

5. If I decided I wanted to ask her out, I do so at that point.



As I've said I've never been rejected going about it this way. And I've done this a lot. Since as far back as I can remember.

I just got better at it. My main mistake as a kid was getting them to be my friend and then being stuck in the friend zone for being to shy to flirt or let them know I saw them as more than friends early on.
By the time I was saying, "I like you" or whatever, it was too late.

This is why it is important for me to begin subtle flirting within 1-2 days (sometimes even in the first initial meeting if she's digging me), and then increase the intensity of flirting as our comfort levels grow with each other and the chemistry is a-flowin'.

one eventually learns that such people who focus strictly on superficialities, are superficial creatures themselves and not worth one's time. it is a number's game and us outliers are out of the numbers game for the most part, the odds are too unfavorable. I don't blame Darwin because he was merely the messenger. but I do blame mother nature for such a foul game she wrought.

There are terrabytes of free porn out there covering every perversion you can imagine and a few you can't imagine.

Still want the real thing? Then keep trying.

Don't think about it. just go and do what you want with who you want. (with comparative listening involved).

have you sims make out in the sims 3

imagine a future where technology has provided definitive relief of INCEL and loneliness, by enabling the highly affordable [as in an everyday appliance common as toasters, bought in uniquitous stores] existence of intelligent and realistic androids to provide companionship [in the full sense of the term] for all the lonely-hearts. imagine how much of an outlier conventional [both] human couples would be. imagine a world with nigh-well everybody with a pleasant companion, and no more loneliness, no more INCEL, no more bad/incompatible relationships. think of how pleasant a world that would be. I think about this often. I wish I lived in such a future civilization.