I'm terrified of dating! HELP!

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When I was fifteen this manipulative person I'd been dating for 2.5 years tried to kill me...needless to say, I'm a bit apprehensive about dating now. But I'm SO paranoid--it's really going overboard. I mean, I understand consciously that not every relationship will be abusive and manipulative and end in murder, but it's been YEARS and I still can't get over that fear. Every time I'm faced with the idea of possible dating, or even the idea that someone might find me physically attractive, I FREAK out--like, anxiety attack/not talk to the person ever again/hide in my room and frantically text my trusted friends freak out.

Sometimes it's sort of my fault--the first few times I was confronted with the idea of people finding me attractive or wanting to date me, I didn't actually KNOW it would freak me out because it hadn't happened yet. This was about a year and a half ago...people started showing sexual and romantic interest in me. And it's not their FAULT, but I freaked out, and cut off contact with two of the people who tried to date me. Now I'm a little better about that, but it still terrifies me.

Even offhand remarks like "Why don't you already have a boyfriend or girlfriend?" or "You two would make a cute couple" or "I'm sure you'll find someone" or "You'd be really attractive if you took care of the acne" REALLY disturb me. People tell me what they THINK I want to hear, and it just disturbs me. The IDEA that I might be considered for dating freaks me out, when I get reminded of it. I mean, I don't find myself attractive, so when someone else claims to, it disturbs me.

The worst part is--it's happening more and more. As soon as I decided I DIDN'T want people to date me or be attracted to me, they started showing more interest in me. And whenever people try to date me or call me attractive, even if I USED to like them, I become afraid of them. I start thinking-- "oh, this person is clearly either messed up or trying to manipulate me" and I stop trusting them...I was taught to look for red flags for crazy people after what happened, and I start seeing ALL of those red flags in the people who show interest in me.

It's hard, because a lot of the people I talk to just don't GET that I WANT to be unattractive and I DON'T want anyone to date me. So they'll tell me things that disturb me or they'll suggest that I date people or THEY'LL try to date me and they just don't get it.

At this point, my fear is completely irrational and affecting my life. Eventually I DO want to date again--I know I'm definitely not ready now, but eventually. And I don't want to keep FREAKING OUT at these tiny remarks--I feel sick and scared every time! Does anyone know of ANY way that I could become less terrified of this crap? I think I'm annoying people by being so afraid.

By making yourself unobtainable, you've made yourself a far more attractive proposition. It also means you can talk to people freely, without ulterior motives. Do you know how rare this can be for a man? This will come over in every interaction that you will have. How ironic that it's making you more attractive!

You've clearly suffered trauma two and a half years ago. Want to talk more about it? Forget what is irrational and what is rational - it's how you see it that counts.

Holy crap, that IS ironic...maybe I should pretend I'm desperate for looooove and that will scare people away?

I mean, in general, I'm over what happened...except for the whole dating part. I know most relationships will NOT end up like that. And to clarify, I'm not afraid of SEX--I've actually had sex since that happened, but the guy I did it with didn't try to date me and didn't say ANYTHING about my body (he was my friend so he knew better). I could actually kind of tell he found me Unattractive because he couldn't get it up for a while

I've even had a few crushes since then, but I didn't want to DATE the people because dating still scared me. I like the rejection, and being told I'm gross or ugly, because it makes me feel safe. But most people tell me what they think I want to hear-- "no, you're so pretty!" and stuff like that and it makes it worse, even though I know they're just trying to make me feel better.

The bad part is, it's actually been almost four years ago now...and I feel pathetic because other people I know who were RAPED are dating again, and I'm still here freaking out about my issue. I don't usually like to rant about the details because they're very graphic and disturbing and I'm bad at telling WHICH things will freak people out and which won't (I've learned this the hard way from when people asked me about my scars, and then 'MYSTERIOUSLY' never talked to me again...seriously, what were they expecting when they asked about SCARS, a bedtime story?)

I really need to go to therapy for this and I HAVE a therapist I usually go to but my mom won't take me because it's inconvenient with her job.

Why do you think people who are desperate often stay that way?

Forget everyone else - if it is that bad, it'll be deleted. Put it here while the boards dead if you want to and can stand it. Don't worry about freaking me out, that's not possible. Or, of course just do your therapy - can you not find an alternate form of transport?

Oh yeah,



It doesn't work that way. Your issue is defined by the emotion you have attached to it - and the feeling recurs when you think about dating. As such, it is beyond compare with anyone else's.

Yeah, with those graphic details, it's also kind of a safety issue--I know the psycho killer person DOES use the internet, and I'm sort of undercover trying to keep him from finding me (I also have a pseudonym on Facebook). If I were to talk about that, it would have to be through PM or off the site rather than on a public forum (anyone who really wants to know can PM me).

I really can't find an alternate form of transport...I'm still working on getting my driver's license and the nearest bus stop is REALLY far away, across several busy roads. The friends I'm lucky enough to have are really too busy and have neither the gas money nor the obligation to take me to therapy, even if it's just dropping me off from our school.

I guess you're right, about the emotions part. But I still feel really wimpy, and frustrated with myself because I don't just keep freaking out--I keep bothering everyone ELSE about it, too!

Fair do's. You've got to stay safe.

What I learned to do, and did for a while as a side business, was to splice people's feelings from their memories. Once the feelings are taken away, then the memories are just flat, and they see things rather like a colourless film. I find it an easy process. Noone becomes less human and feels like they're losing something - far from it.

Perhaps you want to hang on to some of this fear to protect you in case this guy shows up again? I mean, if you knew he was dead tomorrow, would you feel free - or free enough to start to dump these negative feelings attached to dating?

Just speculation. If you don't get anywhere in future, and you're stuck, then feel free to PM me.

Well, I DO know that SOME fear is important and rational...I trusted that guy waaay too much. If he died, I still wouldn't be okay about dating. I have to make sure I don't get manipulated and hurt again, and I DO need to watch for red flags. But I'm having a lot of trouble differentiating between reasonable fears and caution and irrational, anyone-who-claims-to-like-me-is-automatically-evil-and-threatening fears. I know it's hard to tell when someone is manipulative, and that people who have had traumatic experiences in the past are more likely to be targeted AGAIN...but I'm having trouble feeling anything besides fear.

It doesn't help that I don't know a damn thing about dating and therefore can't tell when people are attracted to me or flirting or pursuing me and when they're coming on WAY stronger than they should or when they're just being people trying to date people and it's just scaring ME...and stuff.

If people are annoyed or bothered by you being scared, especially this scared, and especially if they know why you're this scared, then they aren't your real friends. Real friends would never react like that. If it's family members that get annoyed, remind them that you might not have as much of a problem if you were able to visit your therapist more frequently.

I guess they're not annoyed as much by my fear as by my COMPLAINING about the fear, especially when I constantly get reminded of it these days. I understand why they'd be annoyed by all the negativity. My closest ones, the GOOD ones who I trust SO MUCH (there are three of them) know damn well why I'm afraid of them because they knew the guy who tried to hurt me and they REALLY stepped up--more than anyone else I knew, and a LOT more than I'd expected--in helping me through that crap. I think they're more just concerned, busy (I know at least one of them would DEFINITELY listen to my rants if he weren't working 12-hour night shifts at an Air Force base in Hawaii), and unable to really CHANGE anything about how I feel in this situation.

Other people, who I don't know quite as well, listen to my rants some, but they really shouldn't have to deal with that stuff either. I know it sometimes disturbs people when I talk about the graphic things.

you really need to go to therapy, can't you just borrow some money for the taxi?

In the meantime, new rule is - you make all the rules. Because your dating is bound to turn bad anyway with your attitude, you might as well skew the results in your favour. Go out with people YOU like, in the way it suits YOU when it suits YOU and how it suits YOU. Make it really scientific - decide on all the rules and how it's going to happen. Decide what is important to you to feel safe. What kind of situation, what kinds of words, what kind of attitude.

It may take a really long time for you to find a way to trust yourself and your instincts again but in order for that to happen you have to take the first step - which is to allow your mind to accept it as a possibility. That's the scariest and hardest part, so don't be too hard on yourself if you can't do it straight away. Be kind to yourself. Be considerate of yourself. Allow yourself as much time as you need.

You're right, leafplant--the idea of it as a possibility really IS the scariest part. That's a big part of what's been freaking me out a lot lately, when OTHER people act like me dating is somehow a possibility. But this one time, over the summer, someone I know fairly well tried to date me. I said YES that time because one of my most trusted friends says this person probably wouldn't hurt me, and I thought maybe if I DID it it wouldn't be so scary anymore.

I was wrong--I became more and more afraid as time went on, noticing all these red flags with the person and agonizing about it. I finally ended it about two weeks later...it was really okay since we didn't actually SEE each other in person the entire time (I'd been in another state when he asked). But I can see things going that way again if I tried that, and I don't want to mess things up with anyone. I was afraid of the guy for a long time afterwards (but I'm not so scared of him anymore).

Now that I think of it, I'm not SURE if I "liked" these people or not or if I even CAN "like" them with my current state of mind. I mean, I've had crushes, but those go away pretty quickly and don't seem like they should turn into a relationship (I don't understand how people can date people they're not already pretty good friends with--partly because of the trust, I guess!). Part of me wonders if maybe I found the "right" people who I liked and trusted enough I'd be able to give it a shot and it would WORK...but the other part worries that it would just end up messing up again. And I'm not sure if there ARE people like that.

I really don't trust myself with this...I mean, like I said, I'm bad with the social skills aspects of it as well. I don't even know if I KNOW what I want, but your idea of following MY rules makes sense--as long as it's not too hard on the people I'd try that with.