Are you in love with an Aspie or not?

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and if he does transform into a aspie? then what. i say, " yeah we are buddies for life now." thanks for coming in my sense of structure.

Hi everyone this is my first ever post in any Internet forum so please be gentle with me

My story in short... Please give me any ideas you have in order for me to come out of this depression state I'm in at the moment

We met on line about 1 1/2 years ago. I fell so in love with him and he's the love of my life!
Well I found him to be a bit different no friends ...just the one friend and kept a close relationship with his family. He's divorced with a kid. I'm separated no kids and an NT
Everything was going well except for the odd misunderstandings or I would sometimes feel very alone and lonely for no reason I thought but I would tell him that I feel like that and had no idea why. And sometimes I felt like he didn't listen to what I said or didn't care. But also know him to be this most wonderful loving caring kind man. I do get confused sometimes.
Well recently he's been sick suspected of some virus and did tests and came up with nothing all clear. But that was the first time I ever spent more than a few days and the week I spent with him taking care of him, I felt that my whole world was falling apart. He was so different he didn't even know that I was there at least that's how I felt.
It felt like he didn't care if I was there looking after him or not.. He was panicky and very stressed out about being sick. I felt for him so much and it saddened me to think that he was so emotionally disconnected from me that I couldn't reach out to him. I felt so lonely and I cried the whole week I was there and he has no idea about it to date.
Since then my anxiety has been at worst that's its ever been I'm crying all the time I can't sleep I can't eat. I'm sacred of this relationship not working. I'm devastated!
I read up on ASD and I'm thinking he's got it. I want to help him. I don't know what to do.
I've just seen a doctor for myself today.. I'm very down.. I can't talk to him about it right now...
Please advise give me some relief.. Any thoughts similar experience.. Please share.
He's the love of my life..
Thanks you

hiya Soulmate welcome to the club
can you tell us what about him seems "kind" to you?

Oh, dear.

I am an NT spouse, 32, married to an undiagnosed AS husband. We've been together for 9 years, but only married for 3, no children. I've been in marriage counseling by myself for 2 1/2 years (yes, you read all of that correctly) and the AS possibility has only been a "known" for about 2 months. Believe-you-me, I was ready to throw in the towel before I got that news!

It's funny how the other posted asked how he was "kind." I always thought of my husband as kind, but he isn't really. I guess gentle was the better descriptive word, gentle, but honest and direct. The longer we were together, the more direct he became. Look objectively, he never broke it off with me or told me he didn't want to see me, but there would be long periods of him basically ignoring me when I was around. It was confusing to me, but being at his house was better than being at home! When we moved in together, it bothered me less, because I could keep myself occupied. I also had a very low self esteem during this time, so I put up with a lot more than I think a well-adjusted NT would have.

Ah, the sickness. One of the first "meltdowns" I experienced with him was when he was sick. I needed to go home, but he insisted I stay with him because he was afraid something bad would happen and no one would know. Like, terrified.

Because he was panicky and stressed out about being sick, he probably turned in on himself more than he would normally do around you.

I recognize the anxiety you feel and the loneliness. There was a lot of that for me early in our relationship. And confusion. There was a lot of times I thought I was going to "lose him" because he didn't respond to me. I thought he didn't like me or had lost interested. But, he never told me he was done with me completely (there are some interesting situations that have happened, but it would take a lot of space to explain them). So, I stuck around.

Because you are so stressed out and anxious this early in the relationship, I am concerned for you. If he is AS, it will explain his behavior, but it will not make it go away. My advice is to read up as much as you can, keep talking to others, and ask yourself if you really want to go down this road. You will also need to talk to him about this, too.

Hell, I am not completely sure I want to go down this road, and I have nearly 10 years and a marriage in all this. I have enough invested that I am researching and trying out different, more direct and specific modes of communication to get what I need out of my marriage to stay sane. And I'm an incredibly independent person--I can live on my own (it would be very tough, though), I have my own friends, interests and hobbies, and I don't mind spending time alone or without him. And *I* still have trouble. I have no help with household duties, none when it comes to emotional support. But, I am using the information I am learning about AS, and talking to him a lot more about how he thinks and why he doesn't help me when I need it (because I don't have "systems" in place about housework/chores, and he thinks emotions are dumb and boring).

I would bring up the suggestion of AS carefully. Like, "Hey, I've been reading about this, and these are the symptoms, do they seem familiar?" I did it slightly differently with my husband, but a friend of his had already given him a personality screening and that's where we got AS from (he scoffs at the suggestion, though). I had been with him long enough to recognize the symptoms, and whatever I didn't recognize was revealed when I asked him very careful and direct questions.

Be direct. Be honest. If he sees you crying all the time, he's probably not going to respond. More likely, he'll be really confused by your tears.

no

Yes. We met on this forum; she messaged me after reading a lot of my posts & we've been living together for about a year now. I'm an Aspie & she may not be an Aspei persay but she is very likely on the spectrum.

LOL! Nobody else caught this? (its a song, lol)

No, freedom over anchors.

Hi I am new on the forum. I made an account because of somebody I like (more than like actually, if it wasn't so I wouldn't be putting this much effort into it) and suspect he may be on the spectrum.
I'd like an opinion of those of you who are on the spectrum, maybe you will find some of this behavior familiar... if I am getting into this, might as well know what I'm dealing with.

So, in short, he is 23 old and always was in introverted, quiet person who had problems establishing a connection with people.
I will try to describe his behavior, and the things he does that made me suspect that he might have Aspergers:

- he is very good with maths and numbers. His brain is super-rational and he is always into some kind of logical games and problems, solving them amuses him. He studies programming.
- when he was little, he rarely (almost never) spoke in social situations. Not much has changed (his brother too).
- he tends to suddenly leave social occasions at inappropriate times, somewhat out of the blue, like he can't stand to be there anymore
- he never approaches people first, or generally take initiative. It seems like a great stress to him.
- he is very honest and direct, and sometimes lacks a filter for what to say. He strikes me as the type of person that cannot really tell a lie, just what's on his mind
- he tends to be very curious about the way things work, from machines to people relations. He always asks a lot questions about something that interests him (and that's not usually a generally interesting thing to people), reminds me of a playful child.
- his humor is mostly based on pun jokes. He sometimes cannot understand implied meanings (not always though)
- he is very close to his family, and often mentions them. It seems to me that he shows more emotions than usual while talking about them (especially his younger brother, who acts the same as he does, I suspect he has Aspergers too).
- he doesn't like to chit-chat, it makes him uncomfortable, like he doesen't know what to say
- also, doesn't like dancing
- or being "exposed" publicly in any way
- he rarely (almost never) calls his friends first, or organizes a meeting. It's always someone else that calls him first. He seems to not have a need for it. Although, he is generally very social, always out on weekends, will rarely say 'no' to a beer with friends etc.
- conversations with him sometimes turn into logical debates
- he really doesn't like to change the way his food is made, if we try to make it different somehow he will first ask a lot of questions ("But I always do it this way and it's good"). This goes for other things too, although he is willing to take a good proposal on something.
- he had one girlfriend in highschool, she left him because "she had to do all the work - organize their meetings, calling him...". After that no one ever noticed that he might like someone, it's like he gave up on girls, seemed uninterested.
- he has (and had) some hobbies that require a lot of time and engagement, he enjoys doing them
- sometimes it seems like he has to be entertained when in a group of friends, like he is not enjoying the conversations or is bored
- he never talks about emotions - not his, not others'. He generally doesn't like to discuss people and their emotions in any way.
- he rarely allows people to touch him. A pat on the shoulder is OK, but hugging, too much touching etc. makes him very uncomfortable
- he is not willing to make a lot of compromises - if he doesn't want to do something at the moment, there's hardly anything that will make him.
- he is 1000000x more talkative on the internet
.....
I could go on like this, you get the picture.

The thing is, I've known him for 2 years now and he has opened up to me at some point. A bit, at least. We had this looong conversations when we were out with friends... chatted for hours on the internet... got to know each other pretty well by talking. But there was always some kind of distance from his side, like he could leave tomorow and wouldn't even miss me.

And then, 4 months ago, I decided to confess my feelings for him when we were out drunk, and we made out. Quite a lot. He was weird about it, like he wanted it but didn't really know what to say etc. He avoided me after that night and texted me with a loooong message 2 days after, saying that he wants for things between us to stay as they are. We talked in person about that too, and he was very honest about his view on girls and relationships: said it is always such an obligation to him, someone depending on him, too much responsabillity (he said that he is barely responsable for himself). I respected that and moved one.

But just one month after, on another occasion, we made out again. And than again. And again. But it was always weird afterwards, like he was awfully stressed out about the whole "talking-about-the-situation" thing. So we stopped talking about it and just made out. He said to me at that time that "he likes talking to me very much and is afraid that if we get into a fight that we'll stop talking"

And we did have a fight, when I asked him to walk me home, and he said, flat-faced, that he doesn't feel like it. It was a terrible conversation: I was very mad, and he didn't seem to get what was I so upset about. I tried to explain how rude he was, and all he managed to say was "I see how that might have hurt you, but I was just being honest. Would you preferred if I lied to you?". It was beginning of the summer and I decided to leave the whole story alone.

But then the summer passed, and he somehow changed, after all those years - he started going out more, talking to people more, generally seemed more comfortable in social situations, seemed to be more emphatic etc. He started to text me again, usually when he found something on the internet that might interest me, or when he wanted to show me some of his creative work (our shared hobby). He seemed to try really hard to be nice and sociable.

We made out recently again one night, drunk in a club, and he was very romantic and careful to me, which is something that he NEVER does. He even danced a bit with me, although he hates it. He seemed confused about what to do, but managed to hold my hand and make little sweet gestures.
The day after he was normal towards me, but it seemed like all his self-esteem from last night vanished. He was back in his shell. I tried to kiss him and he allowed me to, but it was not a typical acceptance - it was as if he was fighting himself really hard to do that, although he smiled and kissed me back. He seemed terrified.

I am thinking of whether or not to start a relationship with him because it will be challenging if he has Aspergers. But I am the only girl he ever opened to and since he is a very special person I would like to try.
I would like your opinion on his behavior - does this description seems Aspie to you?

Sorry for the long post.

^^^
hiya Marlene welcome to the club
i don't mean to sound mean, but if I were you i'd ask myself, am I prepared to do all the heavy lifting in this relationship? am i prepared to be chronically hug-deprived and warm-fuzzie-deprived? there is a good chance [based on aspie/NT couples in relationships that I know] that these things will be in fact.

Hi, thanks for the reply
Well, for starters, I am not even sure if it's Aspergers or he is just infantile.

Hahah, believe me, those are the questions of the year. Depends on what an Aspie CAN give into a relationship, which I am trying to find out.
I always read comments like "oh, s/he has problems with lots of things, but other than that our relationship is PERFECT". I wonder what part of relationship is "other than that" part. Experiences?

Also, I am very confused about this drinking thing, it's like he becomes another person when we make out drunk - he's smiling all the time, he wants to hold my hand, he hugs me, he says clumsy but nice things to me... like an NT. So he is obviously capable of that. Why is it so hard to do regularly? We know each other for a long time and are very close, it's not like I bite.

Depends if they're more aspie and more hunk or one way or the other. even nts who think they're aspies, really turns me on, becoz, do they see the world as I see it? ive a heightened awareness in my solitary surroundings and I can spot someone who thinks they're hot as opposed to someone who knows and im not too sure what I find more sexual.

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I see what you mean.

Do you think this lack of, hm, "reaction" to recent romantic events could be something like a process of coping with the situation? I kind of feel like it never happened because besides the usual funny jokes and friendly talking there is nothing that shows any kind of movement on the field of, let's say, admitting that this is not just drunk making out anymore, which we both know. I am not sure how to encourage some kind of conversation about it, he always struggles with this "emotional" conversations and doesn't know what to say...

I am prepared to try to handle the lack of passion and physical contact, but we have to get to the point of acknowledging that we are having a relationship first... I can't understand this behavior.

Update on this: I asked him yesterday, after yet another session of drunk making out and hand-holding, what are his plans with our situation. He told me that he doesn't want a relationship, that he's fine the way he is. Kind of made it sound like all of this was "random" from the beginning. So, I guess we ain't having a loving relationship anytime soon XD

What puzzles me the most about this is that everything we do already looks like a relationship, and then he says something like this. I asked him if he liked me (not if he's in love with me, just if he likes me) and he couldn't even put a "yes" or "no" to that, he kind of said that he's very fond of me but that's it. If we were just f**k buddies I would understand, but 6 months of something? Things he said sounded like they came from a teenager, not a guy who's going to get his diploma this year. I don't really know if this is is some aspie behavior, but it just seems totally rude.

Well I do pick them well.

why does the OP continue to stick around him and take those cold pricklies from him?