Those of you in relationships: a question about fights

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So I'm Aspie/ASD and my girlfriend is basically NT... she has OCD, which allows us to relate on a lot of things and is nice, but she's not on the spectrum. When we've had arguments, which fortunately is not often, I've noticed that I am almost instantly ready to let it all go and move on - it's like I released the tension, and now I'm ok. But she will stay upset or at least not ready to just go back to normal for a much longer period of time. I've seen this in earlier relationships I had too. Is the "fix it now" impulse a fundamentally autistic thing? Does anyone have advice for how I can manage this? Because when it does happen, I feel absolutely awful when I can't make everything just go right back to being happy and good.

Last edited by diablo77 on 14 Nov 2013, 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's my understanding that the "fix it now" impulse is a man thing, rather than an autistic thing. The problem you described is hardly limited to aspies; NT's complain about it all the time as well.

One important thing to note is that, at least in my experience, when men argue, the argument is about the thing being argued. I.E. You start taking out the trash when it's your turn, and the situation will be resolved. When women argue, the argument is more about the people involved rather than the thing itself. I think the whole "leaving the toilet seat up" is actually a pretty good example. When this argument starts, the man will generally think that it's about the toilet. But the woman will far more concerned about feeling that her man doesn't respect her wishes. So it's quite common to have situations where the man has taken some action that has solved what he perceived to be the problem, while unintentionally leaving the woman's real concern largely unaddressed. It doesn't take a genius to, at this point, understand why the woman is still upset while the man is not.

Troy, you nailed it.

^^^This. Although I've seen the gender roles switch before.

Basically this sort of thing happens when one person (regardless of gender) is not feeling appreciated or listened to and the other party can't be bothered to actually figure out what's wrong. You'll just have the same fight a few days later because nothing truly gets resolved.

[quote="GeekonychusBasically this sort of thing happens when one person (regardless of gender) is not feeling appreciated or listened to and the other party can't be bothered to actually figure out what's wrong. You'll just have the same fight a few days later because nothing truly gets resolved.[/quote]

Ok, but for me it's never been a "can't-be-bothered" thing, but an "I genuinely am incapable of reading someone else's feelings and need to be TOLD what's wrong so I can fix it" thing, which I think IS autism-related.

My husband likes to clam up when he's angry, he goes somewhere and sulks, while all I want to do is have a row about it. I can't sit there and yell at someone who's being passive (that's abusive and I feel awful), so I end up having to do what he's doing and stew about it alone. A bit later, 5 minutes to a few hours-I can't still be mad about it-I go and apologize for being angry, we talk calmly about it, snuggle, and then life can continue as usual. He's quite stoic and rarely yells in true anger, he bottles up most of his negative emotions about things I do that bother him.
I was raised in a house that yelled all the time when even something slight upset someone, and it'd die just as quickly as it came up, and it's prolly in my genes too, so his way of arguing is awkward and awful to me. Even if I don't need yelling I need that confrontation, and then things can go back to normal fairly easily for me. But that's not his way.

Only once in my memory was there an incident where I was really upset and hurt by one of his actions where I didn't want to talk to him for any significant amount of time (like, more than a couple hours). It lasted a day and a half and, yeah, it was along the lines of 'you aren't respecting me, you're not thinking about me'...was about me wondering if I should apply for a job that sounded really, really neat but would require both of us moving. It was more of a passing fancy, but I wanted his thoughts about it and he was just like 'yeah, sounds neat, you might be good at that', but he was oblivious to the fact that me even applying for the job meant we should consider moving and he'd need to find different work if we were to keep living together, etc.

Ok I am totally not a genius. If he does what she asks from now oni.e. puts the seat down, he is showing that he respects her wishes. Why the hell is she still angry?? Or am I taking this example too literally?

^^^my thoughts exactly.

Like I said before, the real problem isn't actually the toilet, but the fact that she feels disrespected. In this case, the toilet merely serves as a catalyst for expressing these feelings. If, at the end of this argument, she still has these feelings of resentment, for whatever reason, her anger will remain.

To be perfectly honest, if the whole toilet seat thing really gets brought up as an issue, especially to the point where it starts a heated argument, it's likely there are numerous other grievances she has that you are unaware of. Until those issues are also dealt with, these kinds of fights are going to continue. It is, without a doubt, an incredibly frustrating ordeal that quite often leads to the dissolution of relationships. But just remember one thing: It's not REALLY about the toilet/trash/whatever; It's about her feelings about you, her, and your relationship.

I can relate to this because after a row my ex-husband would behave as if everything was normal, and as if the fight had never even happened. I found this very difficult, and I now think it is at least in part a Theory of Mind issue. My ex is almost totally lacking ToM - in that whatever he thinks and feels, he assumes others in the situation also think and feel. It took me a looooooong time to work that one out, btw.

Another factor is that like another poster here mentioned - he came from a family where shouting and yelling in anger was simply how they behaved, whereas I am from a very quiet family who don't yell at each other, or call each other names. I am used to dealing with problems in a calm and logical fashion, and I really hate conflict.

It would take me a while to recover from a fight - and my ex was capable of saying/shouting some really hurtful things and calling me all sorts of horrible names. Within hours, while he was all happy again - having got it out his system - I would still be feeling raw and hurt, and processing what had happened.

I hope your fights aren't as brutal and vicious as ours were, but it seems likely that your girlfriend simply needs more time to process what has been said, and to recover from it.

I can assure you, the toilet seat issue IS about toilet seat issue. If it is coming up again it's because you're FRIKKING doin' it again!


as far as the OP is concerned, I could imaging that someone with OCD would have a difficulty moving on from anything, including fights because their minds are wired to keep going in circles, so it would be like an endless loops of "But what if XYZ" etc ad infinitum.

You just have to be patient, and start training her to have closure, have a conversation and find out what makes her feel like she has a closure on a situation so that you can aim to get to that when you have fights in the future.

If you see the toilet stuff not as the toilet stuff, but only as something showing that you are nor respected, then "Ok, from now on I´ll care for the toilet stuff." = "Ok, from now on, I will care for you. But before I did not." Which will still be bothering you, that your partner did not care for you. ^^

So from my opinion you should in such situations far more address, that the done behaving was not done out of disrespect toward your partner, while how you want to handle it in future only is an additional goal. If your partner still thinks, that something you did, you did out of disrespect for him, but tell to be willing to change the moment your partner fights about it, it seems that its not your partner that you respect, but the discomfort you have because of the fighting.

Because if you would have respected your partner already before, then you wouldnt have done an behavior that is disrespectful, until your partner bother you with it. ^^ So if you dont announce, that the behavement was done out of accident, not on purpose, it lets your partner think, that he will have to fight with you for every bit of respect. ^^

Women...

I don't get it. I fall into the toilet if I'm not careful. Has nothing to do with disrespect on their part. I'm just clumsy.

Btw, you can always use the saucepan as helmet and its cover as shield.

So you would argue, that your partners clumsyness forced you as male partner to be disrespectful toward your partner, and forget to lower the toilette ring again after YOU raised it? Similar to her clumsyness forcing you to not give dishes in the dishwasher, after you used them? ^^ Or you mean its your girlfriend job to run after you like all day, and close toilettes ring again after YOU raised them. And because of that being her job, and she being lazy on it, she should have been aware, that because of her lazyness to run after you to do her task on lowering toilettes ring behind you she should have been aware that toilette rings could have been raised, and so should have watched for it?

Yop, thats right. Just like every girlfriend of yours, should always care to look into the oven, if you maybe placed the butter there, instead of the fridge, so she can undo it. Because of the butter gets bad in the oven, then its her clumsyness fault to not be so careful to look into the oven if you placed the butter there, instead of the fridge. ^^

For pissing while standing, pissoirs have been created and they are available in every sanitary shop. As a free person it is upon you to misuse a toilette, that was designed for sitting use as a pissoire, which it isnt, but its not everybodies job to know and care for whatever you do that is unnormal, as long as you have not done a deal with others, that something that is averagely unnormal, like misusing a toilette as a pissoir, shall become normal around your place. You can as well use the shower as duck-bath, that desicion is totally up to the people that live with you. But if you simply do that yourself, and someone wanting to take a shower, accidently steps on a baby duckling, and then to tell him he shall not be so clumsy to not care for babyducks in the shower, when wanting to do a shower, is a bit of ... weird. As well that if you misuse items, it is considered to be polite to ask people using that item with you, to agree about it first.