My relationship issues

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Last week my partner of 5 years got angry with me in a diner. She stood up, and demanded the check etc. Because I was silent and looking around. We had been conversing on a difficult
Topic when I paused to think about it, the sensory overload made it a bit difficult to formulate a response. She got angry, claimed she felt alone. We got in the car , me being apologetic...until she called me an autistic freak. The car was stopped so I jumped out, not sure who to call, she eventually came back and demanded I get in the car. She later apologized and explained why she felt so frustrated....we even came up with some simple solutions such as asking the other person if they are ok, and using the phone to pass some time while I regroup....but the thing is,,,,lis it wrong to be comfortable in silence? To pause and process? I need people in or experienced in relationships to advise me. How can I talk when there is nothing to say? When the environment is overwhelming? I have explained all this before, but now she feels we cannot go out to functions together, we are married...I need advice, thank you

(Thread moved from PPR to L&D)

I think she may have reacted that way, because she took your silence as you not caring or being concerned. I think you should explain to her that sometimes you may need time to gather your thoughts. Maybe even go outside or somewhere quiet, and then return to her once you've thought stuff through. I know how this goes; I am always doing the same thing with walking away and being silent--doesn't mean I don't care or am not concerned...

Last edited by Kinme on 17 Nov 2013, 8:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How's about this.

Look out from yourself, and notice what's going on around you. Comment on something - someone's dress, some furnishing - something that is going on in the moment.

For you, this might seem banal - but it's essential for those who don't live a detached life. They often love being in the moment - it's where they lose themselves and their problems. If you throw this lifeline out more often, and can 'park' what you are thinking about to a more appropriate time, she might be more willing to meet you on your terms.

Look at it from her point of view - she's there, in the moment - and you haven't showed up, perhaps yet again. She's been with you for five years. After five years, certain regular behaviour traits can begin to grate.

And please don't think I'm being cruel - I've done this myself, on occasion. I believe sometimes acting skills are called for - or misdirection - if at all possible. Nothing wrong with a quick bathroom break to regroup.

Obviously you guys have issues, otherwise you wouldn't be discussing difficult topics in a diner. (!?)

You need to negotiate terms properly and try and stick to them. I think it's quite bad that she called you an autistic freak - this indicates that her tolerance for your behaviour is very low and that isn't going to to lend itself to a productive dialogue.

She says she feels unheard. What about you? Have you tried saying to her that you need time to think about something and that it may take you a very long time (in her view) to come up with anything to say? It is very likely she will find this unacceptable but you have to try because you will find it very difficult being someone you are not. I've been in your shoes many times and I am sorry to say, for me it didn't end well. I hope you find a way to resolve your issue but even relationship counselors will be geared towards helping NTs, not people on the spectrum. Still, maybe it's worth giving it a try?

I've been in a relationship where I was the silence-loving bad guy. She said she'd rather be abused than ignored. I wasn't ignoring her; I just love silence sometimes. In any case, I thought I was being nice by not being an over-talkative or yelling type of person, but all I was doing was putting nails in my coffin. Relationships - I don't understand them and probably never will.

Why do girls always have to assume we don't care when we are silent? Maybe we like to keep ourselves sane as much as possible so that they can continue to love us like we are... well... sane individuals. Or maybe it's because they know the silent treatment done by a girl means exactly that for them "I don't care." Sometimes I think women don't like Autistic or Aspie men because they see too many of the traits in us that they see in themselves.

I have no idea, honestly. But I do know I've heard this from women and I've also witnessed it firsthand from female friends. That's just how it goes.

You've gotta show that you care somehow, though. If you can't do it by talking, then you need to find another way, because people can't read your mind and experience how you feel about them without you doing anything at all.

A great way to avoid this kind of misunderstanding is to come up with some kind of signal to let her know you are overloading or you need a minute to think.

some examples:
You could have a "safe word" that would not normally be used in conversation to let her know that you need a minute.
another way is to have a gesture that would let her know. the gesture might be a better solution since you may not be able to speak if you are in overload.

It is not wrong to need time to process information or to feel comfortable in silence. These are perfectly normal for an aspie. However, you need to talk to her about this and explain that you aren't trying to be rude, you just need a little extra time to process. you need to help her understand aspergers so that she will realize that you aren't trying to make her feel lonely. she may not pick up on your acts of love because she doesn't realize how much thought and effort goes into it. Talk to her about ways you can make her feel more connected with you, trust me it will make a huge difference. One thing you can do is say the words "I love you". We NT's love to hear those words.

I hope this helps.
I am also pretty active on the chat, so if you want one on one advice in real time, you can come talk to me. my nickname is marsh19

Def sounds like an out of control misunderstanding.

I can see how she could perceive your silence as day dreaming or tuning her out.

Marsh has good advice. There's nothing wrong with needing a little time to think, especially about a difficult topic.

The problem with silence is what your really thinking is known only to you.

Communication is absolutely important in an NT-AS relationship. There is a greater need to express your feelings verbally with each other. As you probably have difficulty reading her emotions by non-verbal ques, she probably has trouble reading you too. you may think you are expressing your feeling non-verbally, but sometimes that expression doesn't show on the outside. I personally have trouble sometimes with reading how my gf feels by her body language. she even thought that she was expressing herself very clearly, but she wasn't. At times she has no expression at all. So your partner probably feels that you are distant and cold and that you don't care because she can't tell how you are feeling. You need to talk about how you can express yourself in ways she will understand.

I hope this helps

[quote="Indigo745"] How can I talk when there is nothing to say? When the environment is overwhelming?[quote]

If you are unsure of what to say, then tell her that.
you might say something like "I am not sure how to respond to that" or "I wish I new what to say to that"

If the environment is overwhelming say
"I don't feel comfortable talking about this here, can we go talk somewhere more private"
"can we talk about this when we get home"

If the environment itself is overwhelming to you
Tell her "this place is too loud" or whatever it is that is intolerable.

p.s. with this last one, only use this if you are completely unable to stay. if you can tolerate the place then you should probably mussel through it for her. at least part of the time.
and it is a good idea if you plan a date and take her out. she will absolutely love that. this also gives you an opportunity to check the place out before hand so it won't be overwhelming. Just make sure you pick somewhere she will like. NT's love to try new things, new restaurants, etc. (or at least most do)