Two women's reaction to coming out aspie at work--What next?

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OK, here goes. I've been working at a call center for three months now, and just came off an incident a week ago where I told a girl who'd talked to me twice and who I Facebooked with no response until the day before when I said Hi to her while leaving (she didn't smile ever) that she "hated me" in a confrontational way at the end of a very stressful day. Needless to say, I was in full meltdown mode then (I work full time, 11-7). No consequences so far, other than her blocking me on FB, and everyone but her ("I don't even know you," her last words to me, really stung) was either indifferent or very understanding. I'd spent the week before that Wednesday trying to be social and cool and to roll with the punches, and it was really leaving me feeling naked and vulnerable, so I'm not surprised I melted down in retrospect

In any event, I felt I needed to come out of the aspie closet at that point with the people still left on my friends list (about a dozen now at work) or otherwise close, and so I left the following note with them tagged:

"I have never really done this with a group before in my life. It's very personal and has always felt difficult because people don't know a lot about the subject and I'm never quite sure how they'll react. Still, after tonight I feel like I owe both those I was around this evening and the others I work with an explanation. I have officially been diagnosed since the age of eight as born on the autism spectrum, with a disability that was once officially and is still unofficially known as Asperger Syndrome.

I have a good memory and have been able to complete a college education, and understand how lucky I've been in many respects, but I also have an inherently difficult time because of this condition learning any kind of social skill, any kind of thing that doesn't make sense logically but is needed to get along with other people. These range from body language and personal space to appropriat conversation and what facial expressions I'm supposed to make at a given time. This isn't to say that I can't develop the abilities (indeed I have to a great degree compared to where I was ten years ago) it's just that I need more specific info about what to replace the "wrong" behavior with than people are accustomed to giving. There's also some low muscle tone issues that affect posture and coordination, leading to a lot of slouching, clumsiness, and fatigue, and the short-term memory isn't always as good as the long term so I wind up forgetting really simple things while remember more complex ones in a way that confuses people.

Between the awkward mistakes I make and the poor body image that results from the muscle tone issues, it's been very difficult making any kind of close friends my age in a mainstream setting and I've usually had to conent myself with acquaintances who don't see me outside of an "official" context like work, school, or extracurriculars. Therapy helps, but as I've gotten older the maturity gap with people my age has widened and when you're expected to know things as an adult but don't, it's very easy to have misunderstandings and feel like you're missing out on experiences that are supposed to be part of life. I feel like a very comfortable, whole, fun person by myself and on paper, but it doesn't always "translate" to other people IRL unless I work really hard forcing myself to "be social."

I welcome any questions about this (when I'm not on a call lol) in person or online and look forward to seeing everyone tomorrow "

The reactions were quite positive when they were there, and two of the women who responded are marked single and in my age group (one 24 and the other 27), both with kids from a guy they're presumably over. I know a lot of guys shy away from single moms as too much baggage, but they seem to be more receptive than the childless women who didn't respond when tagged (not to mention the aforementioned childless 19-year-old I freaked out last week who I guess I thought was a good match based on her indie playlist and anime fanhood--stop chasing the manic pixie dream girls, self ) . I guess I just wonder how to proceed.

I'll use their initials.

HAP is the 27-year-old, has 3 kids and goes to church on the regular, had a nice FB chat with me after posting her reply talking about our lives in general and our living situations:

--Agreed!! And thanks for giving the opportunity to learn a little bout urself it's always good. Ur def. a great person and by doing so don't let anyone ever tell u diff. (smiley)--

She'd flirted with me at one point during my "social week", or so I thought, noting that I worked there a lot and joking that I should buy her flowers on her birthday (far away as it turns out) to which I tried to give my best cocky reply--"Maybe" (lol so much game ). However, when I try to return the favor by asking if she had anything in the pipeline for my Thanksgiving food needs, she kind of gave a pat "don't you eat with your family" reply to which I avoided the embarrassing truth about my estranged family with "I don't know, do u" type stuff. She says hi daily when she sees me but doesn't really seek me out much, and her lifestyle makes me wonder if she really has time to.

AS (not Asperger's lol) was my trainer but didn't talk to me much about a month afterwards. She warmed up to me again at some point, and encouraged me at one point when I was being negative about my prospects and bumping my head against the window waiting for Mom to pick me up due to some recurring car trouble. I wished her a happy birthday immediately at midnight since I was up, probs a bit too needy especially when she didn't invite me to do anything, but she thanked me and hasn't been avoiding me. She's my age (24) and is definitely more of a "party girl" than HAP, though she does have to care for a kid who I believe she had with her rotund but socially savvy and older ex who's the top sales guy there (we sell Internet and satellite TV, and I see a lot of employee relationships where the guy's more senior, sucks to be me). Any look at that guy will tell she isn't shallow, assuming he hasn't REALLY let himself go since when they were together, but I would not be remiss to call her one of the most attractive women at my office and I sometimes wonder if I even have a league let alone one with women of her caliber in it. Her reply:

Everyone has their own issues, it is what makes us unique. What would the world be without personality?

Office relationships are fraught with danger, especially for the socially challenged, but assuming I proceed anyway, how should I with either? Or both?

I think you're making too much out of women who were being nice or kind to you due to mentioned disclosure. I really wouldn't read anything more into it than that.

^ second the above. Just be friendly but don't push your luck. You will need much longer and more concrete overtures to go on. Hopefully if either of them is actually interested in you romantically they will let you know at some point.

Omg.

The mystery is over. "You have no social skills and they have to teach you" is what they will interpret from that e-mail. No girl is going to be romantically interested right off the bat. You would have to grow on them. Very hard to do if you tell them what you told them. A nice person, which is what these people sound like now, are giving you the opportunity to learn.. albeit rather subtly which seems to be confusing you.

The Thanksgiving note to HEP, the birthday thing with (and friend request accept by) AS, both happened afterwards. Everything else I mentioned happened before I told the two this way. I don't know where to go now because I don't go to school, have no other job, and clubs of the non-night variety are few and far between where I live.

You seem to see every girl that is attractive and nice to you at the office as a potential romantic partner. This is a very self destructive way to think. You've already creeped out one girl at work. Do it again and you'll really start getting the kind of reputation you don't want.

try and not have a one track mind.
Be cool dude.

The first woman, the one who said she hated you, it sounds like she has her issues and that's okay. Go ahead and give her space in a respectful way without the intermediate step of asking if she 'should' need space.

And I think you're description of Asperger's Syndrome is great! Of course it's just part of a conversation, but it is an excellent beginning to that conversation.

With the two single moms, who are likely to be less superficial and more likely to look at someone's personality, although occasionally a young single woman might surprise you. Okay, the only way to find out if you really like her is to begin the process, and that's kind of the zen of it all. If you're going to pop out for a late morning coffee, maybe ask one if she'd like to come with you? Meaning, a series of medium steps where the social read is pretty easy.

And when you get in a relationship, remember not to lose yourself and still take time for yourself.

Thanks for the feedback. So far no interaction today beyond AS briefly talking, and I sobbed a little at my cubicle after coming back from eating a granola bar in the break room while lots of people were eating lunch when HEP didn't look up as a male acquaintance she was sitting at the same table with said Hi in his friendly, bro-like manner. I draw a little attention to myself sometimes when I get upset over stuff like that, but I try not to yell and never swear. I kicked my partition under the cubicle a bit after making sure nobody sat there, but only a few times while I tried to find my footing again on the phones. I didn't really feel better until lunch.

I just wish I could "get over" slights quicker so they didn't ruin my whole day so much. I'm wanting to go out at 9:00 on Friday to a local bar where a noise rock act is playing, a place where they often have bands so I have my music interest to make conversation on (I don't rattle off facts but I like to at least have a common conversation-starter) and they have a pool table too so I can do something other than sip Coke and make conversation (I don't want to mess with my meds by drinking alcohol). I'm worried that I'll be in a funk, and the truth is I don't expect to meet deep women or anything, I kinda just want to prove to myself that I can do more than just hang around the house every weekend when nobody invites me to do anything. Do people usually wear jeans and a polo to band bars because that's what I want to change into.

OP, stop this train of thought before you make a fool of yourself (at best) or actively alienate these women (at worst).

You disclosed your AS to them.

They didn't run away screaming.

That is the situation in its entirety -- the rest is just your imagination.

Do not make the naïve mistake of presuming that a positive reaction to a highly-personal disclosure means that they are interested (or potentially interested) in a romantic relationship with you.

(I mean, if a woman told you she had cancer, and you expressed personal sympathy and understanding, you would be a bit ... alarmed if she reacted as though this was an expression of your sexual interest in her. In fact, you'd probably start to think of her as being a little unhinged. Right? ...Right?)

You have (through your disclosure of AS) reached a degree of emotional intimacy with them, which is pleasant in its own right, but it would be unreasonable to believe that this could therefore be extended naturally to a higher degree of intimacy.

Even at the most optimistic reading of the situation, either of them could theoretically be sexually attracted to you, but it doesn't sound like you have any evidence of that whatsoever, so it's probably best to assume that they aren't (until such time as suitable evidence turns up, if ever).

Look elsewhere for potential mates.

On the bright side, since they appear to be kindly-disposed toward you, you might be able to develop the friendships until you feel comfortable asking them for advice on how to go about meeting eligible women and establishing relationships with them -- their knowledge of your AS means they will have at least some degree of appreciation of your social difficulties, so they're more likely to be understanding.

And having female friends (or even sources of female perceptions and perspectives) is a valuable thing for a young AS man to have, both in terms of dating advice and in terms of personal development in general, because -- as a rule -- NT women are so incredibly advanced in terms of emotional intelligence compared to the majority of NT men that they are on another plane of existence altogether compared to the average AS man.

So just because you can't get what you want from them doesn't mean they might not provide you with things you don't even realise you need.

I hope that the above made sense, and that you end up with two good friends.

Good luck!