"Why Neediness is Unattractive"

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Just a general FYI:

"Why Neediness is Unattractive"
http://oliveremberton.com/2013/why-need ... ttractive/

That game made sense to me in a simplistic way but being needy can also be an attractive trait if the other person is also needy. I'm needy & was desperate when I was single & I was alot more attracted to needy desperate women than the 1s who weren't I felt we could relate better & I'd have more of a chance with them. The girlfriend I have now is needy & it works.

I am a needy person, and I have noticed that it does look less attractive to other people, but it is a trait that I don't mind in a guy. As long as he can not be needy when I need to do my own soul searching, sometimes I have to go on my journeys alone. Not often, but if that isn't permitted I might have some complaints.

I think everyone is different, one person may really like that trait, and another person wants to feel more free.

I don't like needing things that I really don't need, like jobs and manners and the ability to make small talk with strangers. When I don't take those kinds of things seriously, I may not come across as needy, but I'm just as unattractive because I don't fit in with what's expected of me. I guess its the difference between social needs and personal needs, which is that social needs aren't needs at all, they're about what other people want from me.

I know what u mean.

This blog might be accurate for jelly brained game playing nts, who think of life as some kind of eternal struggle to strive and be better than everyone else, but it doesnt necessarily run true for people that know themselves and know what they want.

someone being needy just doesn't threaten me. If i liked a person and they happened to be needy, and they were jealous and for example didnt like me hanging around certain girls, it wouldnt bother me to give into their demands. I wouldnt feel threatened by someone i liked messaging me twenty times a day, always requiring me to contact them. Not in an emotional way anyway, not if i liked the person.

id probably just see it as a quirk of their personality if i liked them, and if i didnt like them it wouldnt be the thing that made me dislike them, that'd be some other detail.

i might get annoyed because of a volume of messages but it wouldnt be any big thing, it would be an inconvenience thing only, it wouldnt change how much i liked someone.


That blogger is an idiot for stating opinion as fact. Wheres his email address so i can slate him? I hate how the world tries to turn us into idiots like him. It's just a horrible game playing attitude.

he puts this at the end.


its just this treating life like its some kind of word game or forum topic that annoys me. Life doesnt have to be like that and the only reason people are like that is because of opinions of people like him getting into peoples heads.

idiot.

I thought it was just because the pressure is anxiety-inducing.

If I was single and a guy I was interested in and going out with was a little clingy, I would be ok with that. But if he was constantly wanting to be with me or calling me or asking me where I was going and who I was on the phone with when it was busy when he called, I would have to just walk away. That would be smothering to me, even though I like a good amount of communication and togetherness. I would also worry that as the relationship progressed he would get worse and I'd never even be able to shower or brush my teeth alone.

Wanting my approval and admiration is a good thing, just as I would want his, but if it turned into him obviously needing my validation of everything and just needing me all the time, or much more than he either should at that stage of the relationship or more than I needed him at that stage, I would seriously start to wonder if he was crazy. I would probably stop seeing him because everybody has their own threshold for "just too much".

In a way the article is right. I would probably wonder if he had anything else at all in his life besides me, and I don't want to suddenly become everything to someone. I'd want that to happen slowly and mutually over time, and like I said I would start to wonder why he was like that and the reasons that first come to mind about it aren't very flattering. Even though those reasons may be completely wrong I would be afraid to take a chance that they weren't and I probably wouldn't ask him about it because there is really no nice way to ask someone why they are so needy and clingy.

While it might be very flattering at first to have a guy seem to be all about me, it can get old really fast when it becomes obvious that it's not just attraction and desire and pursuit, it's need. It almost feels like an emotional violation to me because I don't feel that the guy knows me well enough yet to need me that much and it feels like I'm being pushed in the direction he wants things to go in, even if he's not at all pushy and very accommodating and will bend over backwards to do whatever I want to do if only we can just please go out tonight.

I've been on the needy end of it too, so I know how that feels and how hard it is to learn to hide it and how long it can take to lose even a little bit of it.

Later on in a relationship, after months or years, of course there is neediness and that's give and take and to be expected. You have also developed a deeper level of intimacy, both physical and emotional. At that point it can be very gratifying to know that the other person needs me so much and that I'm able to make him happy and take care of him, but it can't be that way constantly. It's a give and take usually - one person is needy for a while for whatever reason and then later on the other person is needy when they have to be.

That's just how I've experienced it. I'm sure it's different for everyone and we all have our "do not cross" line.

IOW all relationships are not strictly 50/50 but shift back and forth, and just to go with the flow of that.

I've been that extreme OliveOilMom is talking about. I kept getting worse as my 1st relationship progressed partly because of my various issues & because she had some issues that caused me to worry & it caused me OCD to spike. I got controlling as a result & became emotional unstable & fell into a bad psychotic depression after we broke up. Some of it could of been that she was the 1st person I ever related to & I felt better about myself with her instead of feeling like a complete loser with everything else in my life. Us Aspies tend to go to extremes withing relationships; most are more loner types after a while but for some our partner's become our special interest & if we have problems with functioning like some of us do we can become dependent on our partner & feel like we"NEED" them; it defiantly was like that for me. I was diagnosed with codependency along with lots of other stuff after my breakdown & I do realize that it was codependent behavior then but I doubt I would get diagnosed with it now thou. I grew alot sense then especially after I joined WP & started feeling like I belonged & got better understanding of myself & my issues & started working on them more.

I had some of those same problems within my 2nd relationship but part of it was due to her being very independent & needing more space after a while. She made up a lie about having an allergic reaction in order to get more space because she got upset with me for something she never told me what & it caused me to have a bad panic attack because I was really worried about her & that caused me to get more clingy & needy. I would of pulled back some if she would of been honest with me then & said she needed space. I realized after that I needed help for my anxiety so I researched & started taking Buspar. I started gradually getting alittle better but it was kind of too late by then because she pulled back more & eventually broke up with me deciding that she was better off not in a relationship at that point due to her desire for more independence not just with me but with life in general.

Shortly after I realized that my OCD was causing me problems getting over things & that it also caused me to have problems within the relationship so I researched treatments for OCD & started taking a med that helped in addition to Buspar. Rite after I got in my 3rd relationship & I moved in with her a year ago. She's dealing with some emotional stuff like depression, anxiety & OCD & needs more attention & emotional support so being more needy & clingy is a good thing. I never feel into the sever end with it thou I think partly because of the meds(my anxiety is aLOT better than it 1ce was & my OCD is alot better too & I don't have any majorly obsessive interest nowadays) & because I learned & grew from the 2nd relationship. Some part of me had a fear that being too needy & clingy would screw things up like in my two previous relationships despite that this relationship is very different & being more needy & clingy is better & that fear caused me to keep my distance at times even thou I desired more closeness & logically thought being closer would be better in certain situations. I thought about making a post here about that a few times but things got better as we got closer & more settled in with things.

I guess the lesson is that being too needy & clingy & dependent can be very destructive for a relationship but people can get better if they work on things; like treating the underlying emotional causes like anxiety & OCD if it's there & other things like self-esteem & confidence with themselves & their uniqueness. Also as I touched on in my 1st post people who are more needy, clingy & dependent do better with partners who are too if they're not too majorly sever.