questions about jealousy and how to deal with

Post Reply New Topic

Ok...where to begin? This is serve as a defacto introduction for me on the forum. My name is Chris, I'm from Louisville and have been unofficially diagnosed as having AS, for a few years I really let it define me, but in the last year or so I've managed to push it out of my mind and just lived. Also all of my life, I have tried to help people. I posted a few years ago under a different name that i can no longer recall about my tendency to help people and advice on how to do it without hurting myself and no I'm back to ask for help handling my new relationship.

Basically I started dating a girl I've been crazy about for years in a long distance relationship. She's quite a bit younger than me and lives in Germany, we've been friends for 4 years and dating for 4 months. We face time for several hours a day and talk over whatsap near constantly. In spite of this I am constantly jealous and paranoid that she will cheat on me, dump me, or even be raped by someone....I know these thoughts are irrational and baseless, she has no history of cheating and constantly professes her love to me, and yet I am ruled by these thoughts. I can't shut them out of my head and I don't know how to deal with. I talk with her about it and she is incredibly patient with me. More patient than I probably deserve. I just don't know how to deal with it. Any advice would be appreciated more than you know. I can't stand the thought of driving this girl away.

Ok first off, I am an NT and my gf has aspergers. I think it is great that you have found someone with the patience to handle this kind of relationship.

It is natural to worry about the person you love. And it is particularly difficult when you are so far away. That being said, being completely paranoid that they are going to cheat on you is not natural. You are going to have to learn to completely trust this girl, because if you trust her completely then you don't need to worry about her cheating. As far as her dumping you, if she was going to she would have done it already. If she has been willing to put up with you for this long she probably isn't going anywhere.
I don't mean for that to sound offensive in anyway. There is nothing wrong with being aspie, but it does make for a very different and interesting relationship. There will be challenges in your relationship at times and at other times it will be absolutely amazing and rewarding. this relationship is definitely worth the effort.
I really hope you have told her about the aspergers by now.

now one more thing as far as her being raped that will probably never happen. If it does happen it is not her fault, and she has no control of that. Rape is not a form of cheating in anyway, so don't blame her if that were to happen. however that is probably not going to happen.
She loves you very much and there is no reason to worry about rejection.

i hope this helps.

I'm trying to get more comfortable with it, I know what you're telling me is factually correct. I know it the same way I know 3+2=5, but the thoughts still creep in...like a phobia of something that isn't real I guess. She compares it to her fear of daemons and possession, she knows it's not real but she still has nightmares about it

My fear of her being raped comes from it having happened to her before and it recently having happened to another close friend in vietnam a few weeks ago. Also my first girlfriend was raped, as was her 13yo(at the time) sister, and my own sister was raped as well. This particular issue has caused me and those I love so much pain, that is has caused me to become violently protective of women and violently distrusting of men.

First of all, I'd dial it down a few notches, in your mind? You say that you are dating her - how is this so, when you live thousands of miles away? Call me old school (I am old school, I suppose) but in my world, dating is a face to face thing. I'm not saying that it's impossible to have a strong romantic relationship come out of an online scenario, especially if you're always communicating, but I presume you haven't spent time in real life around each other?

Let's look at this, honestly.

By feeling these things, you are giving yourself permission to feel powerful dramatic thoughts. It is the feelings that are so intoxicating. You are imagining the scenarios so you feel these things - not because there are any factual basis to them. Jealousy and paranoia are intense feelings! Perhaps it has become a pattern and you are addicted to them. Feelings are the most addictive things in the world - people get addicted to drugs because of the feelings. Forget the logic - there isn't any.

Take the relationship off the pedestal you have placed it on - perhaps it is too high and vulnerable! Slowly calm things down in your own mind, and you might be surprised that the relationship still continues to thrive. Remember what you did with AS - you pushed it out of your mind and just lived? Do the same, to a lesser extent, with this relationship and you will be fine.

First of all long distance relationships are relationships. I am old school too, but sometimes circumstances do not allow for a face to face relationship. Long distance relationships are somewhat difficult, but if you can make it work, then go for it.

I do somewhat agree with the pushing it out of your mind thing. however, instead of pushing the relationship out of your mind, push the fear of losing it, and the fear of her bring raped out.

lastly, you and your loved ones have my condolences for what happened to them. I understand how events like that can make you paranoid, but you have to live your life, so don't let the monsters who attacked your family keep you from that. Once you let this paranoia go you will be free to live your life.

I hope this helps

If your concerned about rape, maybe you can buy her a birthday/christmas gift of some self defense classes.

Interesting first post. Welcome. I see that you have just joined. Why not come on over to the new members section and introduce yourself?