Girl on Match

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Hey, it's me again, looking to get some advice as I try online dating.

First of all, how do I "make time" when I work 11-7 5 days a week and have to share my Mom's car? I got the license, but don't feel like I make enough to buy my own car and health insurance (and I have to have the latter by the new US law). I make 20,000 or under I estimate, not too great but am working on grad school to help write a book on record label histories, the industry being an interest of mine.

Anyway, the first conversation on Match.com not to end with total rejection or my unanswered email (nobody replies on Chemistry or OKCupid, though I only got back on the last a couple weeks ago) was with a girl my age (24) who's decent-looking but not intimidating, says she has "a little bit of knowledge about most things," loves "art, culture, and science," likes "trying new things and meeting new people," and is "not offended easily." These things seem like Aspie-friendly traits, and me-friendly traits just in general, but on the other hand, she lives an hour and a half's drive away so the gas could be costly and I don't know the area she lives well.

I responded to her posting about her ideal date, coffee and then a bookstore-browsing thing, kind of the relaxed, low-pressure thing I'd have in mind, by complimenting it and recommending she come to where I live to try it out or vice versa. She didn't discuss the invitation or the date possibility, but said my profile was interesting too while commenting on the lack of pictures (I then uploaded my cat and my car). However, in her reply I couldn't link as I had when I first found her in my recommendations because she'd put her profile on "hidden" which I took as a bad sign (she's since reversed that, though the timing bothered me a bit), so I said I was a little confused but didn't mean to be too pushy about meetings on the first mail. She replied apologetically (never seen that before) that I'd been "nothing but a gentleman" and that she only temporarily hid it and would be back in a few weeks, having only hid it out of cold feet over getting out of a relationship literally less than a week before I messaged her. I told her not to worry, did the "nice but not clingy thing," told her to be good to herself during this hard time and to bring me in when she's ready, which she said she appreciated. Couple weeks later (yesterday), I wished her a nice Thanksgiving with lots of "hugs and turkey," (a little too mushy?) and got the curt, conversation-stopping "Thank you. You as well."

What do I do next and have I blown it without even realizing?

If I were you, I'd make finding better employment a full-time obsession. Those wages are poverty-level, and not having a car is going to work against you in a big way. I assume you live with your parents too. Not judging, I had to live with my parents when I was 24 because of bad wages, but I made looking for better work and adding to my resume my top priority. If you have anything that's eating up money, like video games/books/entertainment, I would very strongly consider cutting the budget on that to 0 until then. Plus, I presume you're getting some kind of loans to cover the cost of graduate school, so there's another huge burden. Driving an hour and a half for a date with someone you barely know when you're in dire financial straits just isn't something I can ever recommend.

As far as this conversation you're having with her now, just for future reference, I don't think she meant for you to post pictures of anything but yourself. Online dating has inherent risks as it is. A guy not posting pictures that clearly show himself is a red flag. And with dating economics being what it is, one red flag is too many. The Thanksgiving line was a little strange as well. It looks like she's trying to politely suggest that she's not interested without hurting your feelings.

In short, I'd concentrate all of my efforts on removing obstacles between where you are and where you want to be instead of trying to jump over the ones that are already there.

^ what he says.

At your age, girls might tolerate your lack of car and place, but they won't be so after few years.

The place, the car and the good job are the dating's golden triad for the male.

You have none of the triad so far.

The only thing I have to ask is


Why haven't you uploaded any pictures of yourself?

You should have several pictures of yourself on your profile. No reason to put pictures of your cat and your car unless your in the pictures showing them off.

Working 11-7 isn't a deal breaker really, but you might have to look for women who don't work traditional 9-5 jobs. Not all that hard in today's world.

I would suggest working on improving the job. I'm not sure what you mean by going to grad school to write a book.

I have a picture of myself. It's a 2009 or so college ID scanned, but it is a picture and I don't think I've changed drastically. Next weekend, I'll try to upload a cell phone picture (I only just got a phone that could do that last year along with my license, with which I usually drive myself to work).