broken picker

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All of my adult sexual relationships have been with women who are sex addicts and survivors of sexual abuse (including incest). These women usually pick me. I sense that they are attracted to me. Usually they even make the first move. Needless to say the relationships always end in disaster. I just wonder why is this my type (ugly, white, sex addicted single mothers from dysfunctional families). I don't like normal girls, only this type of girl. These are the only types of women I feel safe opening up to and caring about. I don't think the looks matter other than my preference is for white women of childbearing age. It is like we are attracted to each other. Does anyone else have this experience or a similar experience (being attracted to or pursued by people with low self-esteem and mental health problems)?

By the way, I am an adult child of an alcoholic with drug addiction and sexual compulsion issues and my first sexual relationship was with a female cousin of the same age (we were both pre-pubescent, did everything but penetration; it was an ongoing thing not a single event).

Last edited by em_tsuj on 30 Nov 2013, 10:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think what you are experiencing would be very common with people who have had similar dysfunctional upbringings. Personally I think it is down to self-esteem and when you have had a tough upbringing like you have had, it is natural to subconsciously feel a shame that will naturally exclude you from being attracted to normal women.

It sounds like you are happy with this setup - why change it?

If I was looking for somebody to consort with I'd automatically look for someone broken. There's no way I'd look for someone normal. They'd ignore me anyway and look at me like a freak.

The answer to my question came to me today as I was driving down the road. I have never experienced a loving, affectionate intimate relationship with a woman. All I know is coldness and unavailability and oftentimes disdain and abuse from female caregivers growing up. It is what I am familiar with. It is all that I think I deserve.

I sometimes wonder if one sexual orientation can change. I am programmed to fall in love with women who cannot function in long-term relationships. Maybe I should take emotions completely out of the mate selection process and go for someone who I find boring, learn to love the person.

now you're cookin' with gas! this is a secret- love is a matter of will as much as it is of kismet.

I disagree. For the most part, you can't. I talk at length about a situation I've been in, which is very similar, in the thread: I Don't Enjoy Kissing and Hugging My New Girlfriend... Why? (link). It's about a woman in my dance class, who, after being mostly just my dance partner for a few years, suggested dating each other. At first, I jumped at the chance, but quickly, guilt and anxiety got the better of me. I just wasn't enjoying the affection she was giving me, and quite honestly, was having reservations about the relationship as a whole. I ended up doing the right thing and coming forward about how I felt. Sure, I could have easily started dating her, but I knew that I'd still feel dissatisfied with the whole relationship, and it would have come out one way or another: through my actions, body language, word choice, etc. Then it'd be a much more painful breakup than the civil conversation that me and her already had.

While I'm not you, and you're not me, love/relationship dynamics are kind of similar for all people. Even if you "learn to love her", chances are, what you'll be feeling is not true love, but attachment. That is, you'll find a way to make room for her in your life, and may even enjoy being around her, but it just won't be the same. I know from experience: all my relationships were like that. Not that I cared; the sex was great, and she always broke up with me first, sparing me from having to do that myself. Sadly, that's exactly how I expect my future relationships to be like: date the first woman who shows interest, enjoy the sex while it lasts, and hope she breaks up with me. If you want to attempt that too, that's fine. Just be aware what "learning to love" can entail.

Don't denigrate survivors of sexual abuse. The love of my life was a beautiful, caring, sweet, intelligent person who was a survivor of sexual violence and I wouldn't ever be with someone else in my life.

I actually went ahead myself and wrote down on paper my experience with dating (last 8 women, not everyone) a short while ago after reading a similar thread on the POF forums. I observed patterns of my own behaviour, observed patterns of behaviour from them, observed tendencies, looked for room to improve and looked at where things could go wrong moving forward. Might not be a bad idea to look into that.

I seem to have a learning disability when it comes to learning how to relate to other people, no amount of remediation can make for compatibility where there is none to be had.