It's a pretty big step for me, since I tend to get too nervous to say anything and then just wallow in loneliness. Anyway, it's a pretty inconvenient situation where she just got out of a serious relationship and is studying abroad next semester, but she could tell that something was bothering me and I guess that prompted me to spill. Honestly, the way I went about it was pretty awful; I kept saying "I'm a f---ing idiot," basically apologizing for what I was saying. Because of this, the first part of the conversation largely revolved around her telling me not to feel bad. I think she hugged me about four times. When we got past that, the points about her ex-boyfriend and studying abroad were raised, but she said some things about "liking" me (though it was left pretty ambiguous what the implications of "like" were.)
Really, I'm kicking myself because she asked me if I wanted a kiss. I didn't outright say "no," but I awkwardly looked at the floor and it didn't happen. I think I was reluctant because I felt emotionally manipulative in some capacity, and though neither of us was drunk, there was mutual alcohol consumption earlier in the evening which made me feel weird. In retrospect, though, I obviously would have liked to kiss her, and I think my fears about "emotional manipulation" were mostly paranoia. It wouldn't have lead to a relationship, and I doubt that she even likes me that much anyway, but I think it'll be one of the larger regrets of my college years.
Thank you to anyone who actually read this, just venting.
24 Nov 2013, 1:55 am
