My boyfriend is trying to hard to understand me?

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I just joined this forum and really appreciate everyone else's stories and comments. Now I'm going to be slightly brave and ask for your opinions please.

I think this is a fairly complex topic. I have a smart NT boyfriend (gay) for about 18 months. I would consider him to be a fairly emotionally reserved NT person, so my experience in reading people doesn't help me much. Still, he is very accepting, kind, and non-judgemental. He's curious and loves science and psychology.

So, I realised I'm not in love with him, and after months of it bugging me, I told him so. He never told me he loved me, and I don't know why you wouldn't say that. Why wouldn't you say something like that if it was deep in your heart? He was pretty upset by me saying that. I explained that I liked him and cared for him and I had been hoping that my feelings would grow, but they didn't intensify at all - and that made me sad.

Another point to help illustrate - he calls me his partner (we don't live together), but whenever someone mentions my partner, I insist, "oh no - he's probably still just a boyfriend". That aptly described my feelings compared to his.

Also - now he is convinced that my Aspie traits have lead to a lot of problems with us communicating and strengthening our relationship; so he's apparently been reading a lot about AS and is trying to encourage me to change; however I feel quite comfortable with the (massive amounts of) work I've done from ages 11 to 35 (now) adapting to NT patterns and I really think it's all for HIS benefit. Remember - I don't feel in love, so I don't feel this investment of "change" on my part is required. Meanwhile I have been in love before, twice and in different ways, I know for sure what it would feel like.

He is angry that I didn't sit him down and say, "I have Asperger's and it may affect every instance of communication we have". I feel like it's about his need to have guidance and a frame of reference. I can see why he would (as a NT) blame me… whereas of course I think he should have asked what he needed to ask as it occurred. Actually I have made a big effort to be honest and always explain the way I think (hard to do without talking too much), but I didn't actually hand him a textbook on Aspies and tell him to read it.

Has anyone had a NT boyfriend/partner try to understand them or even change them, and you feel like you have already done enough and their request is unjustified and maybe all about their need to understand you?

Thanks!

Is he expecting you to learn all this from a book? I'd tell him that what would be most useful would be for him to keep a 'running commentary' going, so he can explain stuff to you while you're out and about.

Although you say you don't love him, you don't sound like you want to leave him either. So there is some measure of cause for optimism. I'd get him to be your 'life coach' (explaining where necessary) and you could be his 'aspie eyes' (improving his understanding of your condition) -- it's all about communication. This way would be more interactive, more involving, and it might open your eyes to some of his better points, and with this deeper understanding of each other and human nature ...

I'm an old romantic at heart. Good luck to you both.