Here we go again . . .

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My AS "BF" (or whatever he is) called me a couple of weeks after his meltdown in August. Very hesitantly, I agreed to Skype with him. He apologized for "panicking." I didn't make a big deal out of it (although it was), and things went well.

Since then we've Skyped several times, since (1) he is always out of town on business, and (2) we agree it's "safe." The idea of real sex, in person, makes him panic. Our Skype calls last about 2 hours, and the conversations have been excellent. I feel we've gotten to know each other much better than we ever did before. He has also pushed for sexual activities while we Skype, more intimate and intense each time. Very positive and gratifying for us both. I feel he's made a lot of progress, opening up to trust and intimacy. Instead of arguing about whether or not we're having a relationship, we've just been having one.

A couple of weeks ago, he reached the point where he wanted to come over again, for passionate kissing and sex, like we used to. Great! Still. I fear he won't allow it to be a positive experience. I have come to expect him to flake out beforehand (as he has many times), or drop emotional vomit bombs on me afterward (as he did in August). So I suggested meeting for coffee or a drink to talk about a "safe" (non-sexual, non-emotional) topic. Nope: he wanted sex, and last week initiated several rounds of emailing sexy pictures. I go along with it because I have long understood, his "love language" is physical. He can't express his feelings verbally.

Friday was his birthday, so we arranged to meet up tomorrow so I could give him his birthday gift (a sex act). He has deep trust issues over birth control, and has (unjustifiably) verbally beat me up about it a few times. Very upsetting, because I was always on the pill in the past, and there was never a problem. He has every reason to trust me. But this time, he called to confirm that that would be ok, and he would trust me. Given the progress he's made since August, the increasing intensity of the Skype sex, and how much he was looking forward to his present, I thought he was ready.

Wrong. This morning I got a text: "I won't make it tomorrow." No explanation. No apology. And frankly, no surprise. Things were going great, and we were gearing up to have steamy hot sex. I wasn't sure if a business thing came up, or if he was panicking, and wanted to know which. I kind of already knew and should've just left it alone, but, I didn't. The conversation was by text message:

So that's where things stand. Our sexting/Skyping has become quite a habit, so I expect he'll contact me in a couple of weeks. No idea how I'll react or what I'll say - if I respond at all. My questions:

1. He feels betrayed because I broke up with him 16 years ago. But I did so because he betrayed me first, and refused to do what I asked to fix it. Based on our many very long discussions about it, I do not believe he is capable of understanding how he hurt me, or how he had the power to change the outcome. Thus, in his perception, he was the only one who got hurt. But that was half a lifetime ago. My sense is that he loves me and wants to trust me. But the idea of actual, real-life sex makes him panic, and he says hurtful things to push me away.

I have heard that once an Aspie feels betrayed, they will never trust you again. No matter what. Is that event, long ago, his "trust issue" here?

2. Is there any way I can change my words or behavior to break this exceedingly tiresome pattern? What have I got right? What did I get wrong?

3. To the extent anyone can guess, what is his thought process? Would it matter to him if I vanished?

All bets for less than six months, please come to the front desk to collect your pay!

He doesn't sound like the guy for you, I would move on and forget about him. He doesn't look like the person I would want to be with either despite being aspie myself. I have no clue what really went on between you two but based on what you said, he sounds like someone I wouldn't want as a partner. Also interesting he is upset you "let him down" but he has done the same or you. I can't stand hypocrisy. Sadly people are not aware of their own faults and it's so easy to see other peoples faults but not see the same faults in yourself and some will deny it when you call them out on it and point it out to them. I know from experience.

This insensitive unempathetic attitude pisses me off big time. He thinks he's top sh*t by being so vague and inconsiderate.

I don't know your story, I'm fairly new here despite what my profile says. One thing that stuck out to me from your post was him telling you he didn't want a relationship with you, but you insisting he does. I don't know about him, but I find it pretty insulting when someone presumes to tell me what I want and what I feel, like I'm incapable of figuring that out. It may take me a while, but I will figure it out. I am the type of person who believes people should be taken at their word. He says he doesn't want a relationship, so perhaps you should listen to that.

Based on the fact that he said he didn't want a relationship, and all of this drama that he is causing and the way you are being treated because he says he doesn't want to be with you, - Just forget about it.

Move on.

I personally don't know how you could deal with all that drama.

And aspies are like everybody else, some people will never trust someone again when they betray them, while others will get over it.
It also depends on what was done. Like, you lied about where you were - Not really a big deal. Something to get over eventually. You cheated on him - A pretty big deal. Some may be able to get over that, some may not.

I trust people to a very small extent. Some people I trust a little more. But I never just trust people completely. And if someone does something to betray me, then I will never trust them again with important things. Little things, sure. Important things, they can forget it.


If I didn't want to be in a relationship, I'd probably cause a lot of drama too - whether purposely or not. I'd probably be really flaky too. Like, maybe on Monday I absolutely felt like hanging out with you for the upcoming weekend but oh wait, my friend just rented a game I've been dying to play on Friday night soooo, yeah I'm gonna bail.

I know that sounds like a jack*ss thing to do but if I didn't want to be with you, and I told you I didn't want to be with you and I get pulled into hanging out with you somehow but something better comes up - then yes I would cancel.

That's more something I'd do when I was younger though. Now that I'm older I just tell someone straight up I don't want to be with them and I'll try to maintain a friendship but if I feel like I'm being pressured too much then I will cut them out of my life completely.

Oh dear.

While admittedly we've only your side of the story., he sounds like he's treading well on the wrong side of Asperdom 'Because I Can' and quite some way into 'Being a Dick'.


I hope you can make this work for you.

Yeah. It pisses me off when he yanks me around and leaves me hanging, then sniffs "I knew this would happen" when I object to being judged and treated unfairly. No, *I* knew this would happen, because he's done this so many times. Granted, each time he's less vicious about it, and takes less time to calm down and apologize. But he gives so many mixed messages, I never have any idea what his true feelings and intent are. Frankly, I don't think he does either. I don't think he has any idea what he wants, or any idea how to handle his emotions.

He's passive, perceives himself as a victim, his emotions are all over the map, and he doesn't know how to have a relationship. Hence, he's a crazy magnet. That's one reason I stick around: I've been watching him attract trouble and make terrible decisions for 17 years, and I want to protect him. Even if he had the time or inclination to find someone else - which he doesn't - he scares off the good ones. Indeed, years ago I concluded he wasn't relationship material. He still isn't. But I also think he'd feel hurt and angry and betrayed, if I said "you want to end it? Fine. You suck. See ya." He blames me no matter what I do. As if his behavior has no influence on the way people react to him.

Anyway. He'll cool off and so will I. But, bottom line: I want sex, and if I'm never going to get it from him, then it's all just pointless torture. Problem is, he can't tell me if he'll ever follow through or not. He doesn't remember his past behavior very well, and he can't predict his future behavior. So I have no idea what to think or what to do.

Here's what happened. We went to grad school together. He chatted me up one night at a bar. He had a girlfriend, would not say who or where she was, and did not feel guilty cheating on her. That was a huge red flag, but I really liked him and thought he might break up with her. Quickly we developed an intense, passionate relationship, and the feelings were strong and mutual. But after almost a year, he still refused to break up with the other girl, and wouldn't explain why. That destroyed my self-esteem, and prevented me from feeling emotionally secure. By that point, he also never wanted to see me anymore and never called me. I loved him very much, but I figured it was over.

Then I found out he'd been lying the whole time to the other girl - a classmate - insisting all the rumors about him dating other women were just vicious lies. Vindictive garbage spewed by nasty, jealous people who were out to get him. He had her so brainwashed, she ended friendships with people who told her they'd seen him with me. So: he lied to protect himself, ruined friendships and reputations, and hurt and humiliated us both.

After I threw up, I questioned him, gave him a chance to defend himself, and begged him to tell her the truth. Because I was under a lot of pressure to do so myself, from people who would be my future colleagues. In a profession where being known as truthful and ethical is important. He was belligerent and refused. It made no sense, and I could find no explanation or justification for his behavior. I doubted he would miss me anyway. So, sadly, I broke up with him, and told the other GF what had really been going on. She'd been dissatisfied and dumped him too. Understandably, she was much angrier than I was.

He calls this "The Debacle." Although I'd warned him that he'd have to choose one of us, or the decision would get made for him, he was blindsided by both break-ups, and crashed into a suicidal depression that lasted a year and a half. We have discussed it many, many times over the years, and he returns to the subject repeatedly, as if struggling to understand. I forgave and forgot long ago, but it was a huge event in his life. It took place in 1997. I remember the details so clearly only because he has kept it alive. When he's not melting down, he concedes that he screwed up and basically every action I took was justified. When he is melting down, he bludgeons me with it, and even accuses me of things I never did, as though the whole thing was some devious plot I hatched just to hurt him.

So that is the source of his "trust issue" with me. He was the one cheating, telling lies, and hurting people, but I've been the one apologizing and begging for forgiveness. For telling the truth. I've never said so, but I think God sent him the abusive, bloodsucking drug addict to punish him. Problem is, punishment doesn't teach him anything. It just makes him more bitter and crazy.

Last edited by waitykatie on 02 Dec 2013, 10:28 am, edited 2 times in total.

Blimey, he sounds like a real catch. Why do you put yourself through this?

Good question. In no particular order:

1. I come from an extremely dysfunctional family and I sort of enjoy the challenge. Healthy, functional men bore me to death. He reminds me of my grandfather, an Aspie who was deeply misunderstood by his own children. Although Grandpa wasn't nearly such a spaz.

2. He has a fine physique, he's hung like a horse, and the sex was/is incredible. I don't much like sex with anyone else. It's such a primal thing, all the drama boils down to just noise I can get over quickly and dismiss.

3. He makes $2-3 million a year. My grandmother made a fortune investing my grandfather's income. I'd like to do the same thing.

4. I kind of think God put me in his path for a reason: to protect him. Twice I have stopped very angry men from from pounding the sh*t out of him. And keeping him occupied keeps other women from hurting him. I fear what would happen to him, without me.

5. Despite the negatives, there are many loveable things about him. Who else would have the patience to see them?

Basically, I think we'd both be better off together, than apart.

1 Probably not

2 Stop trying to

3 Probably not (sorry!)

Beyond this, no further comment is possible, or even helpful, as it sounds like you're asking questions you already know the answers to.

Can I have a go when you're finished with him?

Incidentally, if you don't get Touched By The Hand Of Mod for that remark, I shall fall off my chair in surprise.

Pretty much. I'm just venting my spleen, and wondering how it makes sense to him to throw away an otherwise good relationship. Over ancient history, over something minor, compared to what his ex-wife did to him.

It's about forgiveness. I don't care about his words, because they rarely mean anything. (My words don't mean anything to him either). I care about his behavior. I care that I was supposed to be having mind-blowing sex right now, but I'm not. Because every time we make plans to do so, he comes down with a case of "trust issues."

To me, this means he lied. Again. About something huge. Specifically, he has insisted repeatedly over the years that he forgives me for what happened back then. But that's a lie. To forgive means to accept that a person is human and fallible and made a mistake, and trust that they won't make it again. This is exactly what he can't/won't do - as evidenced by his behavior - and that makes him a liar.

Fundamentally, that is what I am so pissed off about, and the source of MY trust issues. I've spent six years relying on his claims that he forgives me. Believing he accepts that I am human and fallible and made a mistake, and won't make it again. But he has never forgiven me, not truly, not in any sense that matters, and he may or may not be capable of it in the future. Put differently: if he does forgive me, it isn't reflected in his behavior.

Ok well, I know what I'll say next time.

*joins queue*