What is Settling ?

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I am currently in a relationship with a girl. We have been dating maybe 3 or 4 months however we have known each other for like 5 years.

She was married and I was married when we first met. There was no initial sexual spark. After both of our divorces she then decided to go back to school. She lives 5 hours away. When she comes over to my city (US Army Reserves) once a month she started staying at my place.

We ended up getting romantically involved.

I am old, aspie, have been arrested, and am under probation for domestic violence. I have a GPS bracelet on my ankle and have not exercised in a year. I am now getting Obese. (5'8" #188).

The girls I am physically attracted to are often to young or to out of my league.

I am realist in what I can get and what I can try for but will most likely fail and end up wasting my time.



The other day we had a conversation and she was emotional. She wants confirmation that I am not settling with her. All though she described what she means with that word ... I am left with questions. And I feel my questions will hurt her feelings.

but If I choose anyone besides Kate Mara or Natalie Portman, isn't that settling? If I settle for anything less than a DR or a Lawyer is that not settling? If I choose someone who is middle class or lower and isn't struggling to make ends meet is this considered settling?

She initially made the first move. But that is usually how my relationships go.

Is there anything wrong with me just dating Girls that would have me and keeping my "ideals" in the back of my head? I think trying to find the perfect girl .. and then getting upset because she would have nothing to do with a defective person like me is simply putting my self up for failure.

I want to be realistic. But I am not sure how come this hurts her feelings.

Any insight you can offer is appreciated. (sorry my typing is atrocious)

Let me put it another way.

You applied to 2 great jobs, and McDonalds. McDonalds is the only one who calls you back. During the interview, you tell McDonalds your just working there until you can find something better, your settling for them.

Are they going to hire you? No, why should they put the effort of training you, when your just going to leave?

It's the same with your relationship. It sounds like she feels she's not your number 1, and your just with her until you can find someone better. Would you want to be with a girl who was constantly looking for a better guy?

Of Course she might not be a lawyer or a doctor, or a superstar, but if she makes you happy and you make her happy, that's what matters.

Settling is being with someone who doesn't make you happy, because it's only slightly better than being alone.

For example, I am an adventurous person, I like snow skiing, zip lining, jet skiing, sky diving, going out and I am the one yelling "faster" on a roller coaster.

If I got with a girl who enjoyed none of those things, I would be settling.

Do you love her? Would you like her or love her more if she -were- a rich doctor? If another woman came along and piqued your interest and the feeling was reciprocated, would you break up with her (your current woman)? Would you cheat on her? If you would to stay with her through temptation, would you be happy doing it? Realistically, if you don't answer properly to these (I'm sure you know the proper answers), you shouldn't expect her to want to be with you unless she too were using you as an interim for a future partner that may never show up.

You should definitely be upfront with her even if she won't like your questions. She has a right to know how you truly feel about her, because if you hide your true feelings it's like you're making her decision to stay with you for her. Whether or not you feel like you're settling is something you have to decide for yourself.

Why did your marriage break up? Did you settle with your ex-wife (no pun intended), did you keep an ideal tucked away in your head somewhere and did that have anything to do with your divorce?

the marriage broke for many reasons. I always used to say she was never happy unless we were on vacation. But in reality what it was is that I am not a very good husband. I do not show enough affection and at times I want to much alone time.

She felt that I never supported her on things because I always want to look at items from all sides.

She did cheat on me several times thru the 14 years. I think it was just a bad fit. She was not happy. Somehow I was.

that is one other problem with my new GF .. she is afraid I would leave her to go back to my X wife.

I am not sure what would make me leave my GF. I would think constant arguing or maybe illegal activity.

Its def some stuff to think about.

Settling, for me, means that I am with someone who I cannot see myself loving. I see myself as being above her (she likes me and needs me more than I need her). Also, I am with her because it is either that or be alone. I feel like it is the best I can get even though it is not what I want.

Nobody wants to feel like they are your second choice. They want to feel like you are with them because you like them, specifically.

I have to agree with this. Also, if you do feel this way then it would seem that you are more likely to not be fully committed to the relationship in a multitude of ways.