We have ourselves to blame

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I know this thread will ruffle lots of feathers, and I don't really care. The vast majority of the time we have only ourselves to blame for our struggles and failures in the world of dating and relationships. When I look around, I see a lot of extremely selfish ASD persons that make absolutely no attempt to improve their character or ability to interact with the world at large--including fellow Aspies. There's a difference between having social and communication challenges and being an incorrigible jerk that nobody can (or wants to) be around.

If we made the attempt to learn basic interaction with people (granted, this isn't easy, but the alternative is being lonely and miserable for the rest of our lives, assuming we want a partner), we have many traits that should be seen as desirable by the opposite sex. We are determined, have a laserlike focus on the things we are passionate about, give every inch of ourselves to our causes/passions/loved ones, and more often than not are extremely loyal. None of this, though, will mean anything if we can't learn to lay the selfishness aside in getting to know people and in the course of carrying on the relationship.

I've known a lot of Aspies that have been so coddled by their families and educational system that they have never learned the Golden Rule. This is a huge shame. If any of you read this, let it be a challenge to you all to see what you can do this very day to be a better you to humanity in general--if you can achieve that, the opposite sex will, hopefully, see that eventually.


SoCalAspie

For me, this is really the case.

I noticed the difference in my behaviour and awkwardness in a positive way when I started dieting and exercising intensively and in how others perceived me.

In my case (in the past) I was too aware and too involved in everything that happened around me, too starey, too worried that something bad might happen to me when I was in public.

For some reason I think it was because my body was so weak back in the day that it prevented my brain from operating clearly and logically.

Sometimes I don't care if exercise doesn't benefit me physically, because I know it benefits me mentally as it clears my mind and works as a distraction to stress.

And from what I've learned, the more awkward you feel in your head, the more awkward people will think you are and you sort of become what you are afraid of becoming.

I'm done playing the victim role (that I played in the past) for good, it had led me to nothing but people hating me back in the day.

maybe for some us,at least for me,half the time.but alot of aspie men are ''hated'' by women,
before they even talk to them,so it really can't be their fault,can it?

Then that's why you ignore the biggots bra. I feel bad for men who are just naturally hated by some women, I'm one of them, and I'm a borderline feminist!

I for one applaud what the OP has said, you can't expect anyone to be with you, lover or friends, unless you're a responsible person. Just remember for everyone not just aspies, not just bi-polar people like myself, but for everyone out there good things are often rare to find.

I do not totally disagree but I do have issues with what you say. This comes from my experiences and my perceptions. Since you mention the golden rule I shall quote scripture.



First, you can't lay all selfishness aside. Even Jesus Christ never said that one should stop loving oneself. Let's say we were able to get rid of all selfishness. Read the story of the monkey's paw. Your wish may just come true. Let's say we do this. Four children have a platter of food. One child gives the platter to another child because he is being selfless. This child passes this platter to another child and so on. If we truthfully laid all selfishness aside how would anyone be able to eat the food?

If one gives away all of his resources what does he have left? How can he help others or care for others if he is in no position to do so?

Second, we including NTs, have been told all of our lives to be ourselves, be true to ourselves and not care what anyone else thinks.

Third, I do not believe some of issues come from selfishness even though some may but I believe they come from ignorance. I believe one of the main causes of our issues is ignorance.

Fourth, the bible is chocked filled with a lot of figurative and literary language. A lot of those on the spectrum including myself suck in this area. For example, the golden rule is "Do unto others, as they would do onto you" is vague. What does this mean anyway? What is the subtext to this? I desire people to spell out what they mean with detail. Based upon the golden rule I give people lots of detail when I speak so I can receive it back.

Fifth, I would life to offer up an alternative to what you say and put it in more concrete terms. Let's talk about relationships meaning romantic and sexual based relationships since you brought this up. Before one goes into a serious relationship one needs to make sure his or her life is in order. He or she needs to make sure that they're able to obtain and keep a job first and this job provides them a living. In addition, they need to make sure they know how to they can do household chores. They need to make sure they have excellent hygiene as well and they can do this. If a person can't do these things for themselves they need to consider the other person with this meaning they do not need to become a burden to this potential romantic partner. If you can't do these things at this time don't even think about going into a romantic or sexual-based relationship. This should be the last thing on your mind.

Sixth, the self-help advice like be yourself and be true to yourself was made by NTs for NT. So are the personality tests and the career tests. These things are made by NTs for NTs. Note that this stuff is out there but in my opinion because of how our brain operates these things are of little value to us. All of the advice we have given based upon these things more than likely we misinterpreted and we took it out of the proper context and subtext. Throw all of this in your metaphorical trash can.

Seventh, Instead, get material that is written for those on the Autism Spectrum like the book being promoted on wrongplanet or the book by John Elder Robinson. Any professional you see and are able to see try to make sure they understand autism spectrum disorders. If one must try to understand the self-help advice ask someone who understands ASDs. Don't go to the average joe. More than likely when he thinks of Autism he will think Rain man. The average joe does not know s**t from shinola.

Eighth, following my advice is easier said than done and I do need to learn to take it myself more.

Ninth, don't follow at the risk of continuing to have your issues.

Tenth, do your own homework. No one is perfect including your parents. Question everything your told even by your parents but learn and still give others respect even if they do not give it to you. Make sure your knowledge about things is up to date from time to time especially when it comes to your career.

Eleventh, Especially in America you will be dealing with a lot of people who do not think things through including their beliefs, standards and values. In the USA, I believe our culture is coming unglued because the very beliefs that made us great is what is screwing us up. If you are able to do so become a 1. New Monastic Individual(The Twilight of American Culture by Morris Berman) or leave the country and go somewhere else in which you can truthfully be free. Make sure you save up though and make sure to follow the other pieces of advice first.

Last edited by cubedemon6073 on 10 Dec 2013, 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Is it possible that the problem is the women that you are seeking out? I say this because I was once told by a man that "Men don't want a woman like you".

I think his intention was to hurt my feelings or something but instead it made me happy. I then said to him "No. Men like YOU don't want a woman like me" which was the more accurate of the two. Since I had no desire to EVER be in a relationship with a man like him again, I actually felt better about what he said.

So... perhaps the problem is not "women" but the type of women that are in your circle.

Actually, I agree with this. I believe it is compatibility issues as well.

What issues did this guy have with you? What was this guy like?

I think those in a romantic relationship need to have traits that compliment each other not oppose each other.

Oh, that I will not let the man "lead" and submit to his "authority".

He believed women had certain roles and jobs, which included, having zero independence I presume.

More than likely this was how he was raised and this is his circle. He has certain beliefs and assumptions and you do as well that make the relationship between the both of you incompatible. I have the gut feeling he tried to transform you into the type of woman he wanted. A lot of people do this in their relationships, both males and females.

The issue a lot of people have is they try to mold them into something they can never be. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pygmalion_(mythology)

The Greek goddess Venus brought a statue to life for Pygmalion. None of us are statues that can be molded this way. I believe women and men should find lovers who are more suitable and compatible. It won't be perfect. Both may still have to compromise and make some adjustments.

Yeah, I've seen aspies blame their AS or the opposite gender for their dating failures, when in reality they are just no fun to be around. Some are annoying, some have unrealistic standards, some are boring, some are predjudiced, some are flat out jerks.

You can't expect someone to want to be around you if you are awful to be around.

Man, it's weird, but it's almost as if someone with a mental disorder exhibits behavior that other people find strange or unpleasant! Who could have guessed!?

This^^^

There's a difference between being awkward and being unpleasent. Those that struggle the most don't often get the difference. I don't think it's just an AS thing though. There are plenty of non-AS people who have the same trouble.

I know that some Aspie men are hated by women. It's a fact of life. So, the question is--are we going to just accept that and mope and rage at the world, or are we going to try to figure out why we are hated and attempt to work on that so that it's not as big of an issue going forward so that we can find a girl that doesn't hate us someday?

nope don't blame me blame society.

the golden rule is to trust no one except md

well a lady here claimed here at the meet ups the men ethier irritated her or aroused her self pity sounds about right to me , I did ask her if she thought it was a one way street to which I did not get a response