The reason why many are single

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I'm not against anything you've said leafplant, it all makes sense, but it makes you appear incredibly judgemental and comes off as you know individuals on this site better than they know themselves, like you're some authority figure on relationships. It's pretty unattractive.

that's because your mirror is broken

My goal is not to be attractive but to bring the truth to the masses. I am ok with people not liking me.

I was talking to someone about this the other day and we came to the conclusion that being either single or in a relationship both have their advantages and it is best to look at the positives of your situation whatever that may be.

Although I think you bring an important point to the discussion here. To be in a relationship with the wrong person is worse than being alone. Although I would like a relationship, there is this thing in the back on my mind always telling me to be cautious and not jump into anything that could be a mistake... not that I have much opportunity to wander down the wrong path when no one is interested in me, but in theory I am cautious.

Co-signed.

And I can tell you from experience that continuously improving myself, my health, fitness, mindset etc has certainly made me a more pleasant person to be around and has resulted in greater social success. I get invited out more, actually enjoy going, get told I look happy, have much more fluid natural & intuitive interactions with others.. and the list goes on. Even though it requires hard work and discipline, it's infinitely easier to change ourselves than it is to change everyone and everything around us to try and have them accommodate our differences, quirks, and social blunders.

The original post didn't seem all that insightful or constructive, but when you actually explain it...

... it is! I totally think it should be a mutual exchange, too, but it's worth pointing out that the service provider "model" seems to be very common in many marriages. I think it actually works in some of them, too.



Now, THIS is worthy of its own thread! I think it would be very helpful if you posted it in the Social Skills & Making Friends forum. I've just spent about 4 hours reading that site and it's gold! The kind of stuff he talks about is just what I need and I like the way he breaks things down and analyses them. It's quite down-to-earth and realistic: he explicitly states that the goal is not to go from "average" to "great", but from "below average" to "average". There's no BS or "fluff" - it's as specific as it can be without making too many assumptions about people's circumstances. Happy Christmas, indeed! Thank you, leafplant!

aww I am glad I could help!

but if you think it's worth posting in the other forum, please go ahead and do so, specially as you've found the site so helpful - I'm not interested in having the responsibility of such thread (people may expect me to participate!) so please go ahead if you want.

You will notice the great majority of 'single' (s) in this community are male.

Take a guess why.

I think it's because many view a relationship as a race to the bedchamber without pausing to realize what it is: an extremely intimate emotional and physical bond that requires both participants to love and care for one another. Emotions in any relationship carries and should carry just as much weight as words and actions. As Dante once wrote


Love, which absolves no beloved one from loving,
seized me so strongly with his charm
that, as thou seest, it does not leave me yet.
Canto V, lines 103-105.

^ Are you responding to the original post about why so many people are single, or to the post above about why the majority of singles in this community are male?

Both, really.

I can agree with this.

I've yet to have a real relationship. I dated a girl once for a couple weeks back 14 year ago. Otherwise it's been hookups and fwb. Like I said earlier in the thread, in part it's because I haven't been someone who "should," be in a relationship and haven't wanted to burden someone else with my bs.. but also, in part, it's because I haven't found someone I'd date. well, there have been 2 or 3, but there's only really been one real crush that I'd still like to develop into a relationship because I truly do have feelings for this guy. The others haven't been relationships, just hookups. Almost none of them have been anyone I'd want to date and have a relationship with. when I do have a relationship, and I will, it's going to be with someone I'm truly emotionally compatible with. So, I get you.. because I have paused to think about the fact that I want a relationship to be so much more than just sex, and I know full well that if it's just sex I want I can get it without having to have a relationship. But in the long run I'd truly rather have a relationship.. and bit by bit I'm hoping that one may eventually grow between myself and my crush. <3

I tip my hat to you. And in response, I bid you good luck. It's been six months since my first real relationship ended, but honestly I'm better for it. I discovered things about myself that will better prepare me for my "Beatrice"

I don't know if this is true. Might be for some people but I don't reckon most.

Turns out it had been posted already a few months ago, so I bumped that thread instead. It only had 3 replies. Either other aspies don't find it nearly as interesting as I do or nobody bothered to read it to find out. I really hope more people do!

So, since I got involved in the thread I'd better contribute something on-topic...



No need to guess - it's been discussed before. Probably the biggest reason is that the majority of members of WP are male. But even if you meant "in relative terms" there are still a number of reasons besides the one leafplant suggests:

1) Approaching someone and initiating contact with them can be especially difficult for aspies. Since males are typically expected to do the approaching (and more generally "take the lead") this is more of a hindrance to them.
2) Social skills and confidence are both more important for males than for females in attracting a partner. These are reduced in aspies, which hinders all of them, but males more so than females. I could add "earning capacity" to the list, too, depending on how cynical I feel.
3) The aspie way of thinking and interacting tends to be more masculine, which is a help to females in relating to (most) males, but a hindrance to males in relating to (most) females.

There are probably more, but this is enough. (Hell, #1 alone might be enough to explain it!)

As for the original post - I really don't know if this is a major reason or not. At best I can say I'm pretty sure it doesn't apply to me.

I'm begining to feel like some of these "male" problems apply to me. I feel like my problem is that I'm not approaching men and talking to them so that they can get to know what I'm really like.

No men approach me, so I guess that I've got to learn to do the approaching, but I have little to no self confidence and it doesn't matter how much I blow dry my hair into a fancy hairdo or add mascara to my eyes to make them look bigger or wear a dress that emphasises my figure it seems that I just get stared at and no one talks to me. I've realised I have to change and start approaching men myself. But it feels like I'm not supposed to do it! It's so difficult to go against the grain.