girl at work (triggering thoughts and feelings)

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I don't know why I am posting this, other than maybe it will help me stop obsessing about it.

I am drowning in negativity right now regarding my future sex life. The last girl I fell for confirmed my inability to pick a good partner. I am only attracted to women who are unavailable (women who cannot love me). It is not something I consciously do, but it never fails that after I fall for someone, it becomes clear to me that they are unavailable, that it would be impossible for us to be together. So I am kind of attracted to her, which makes me think something is wrong with her.

Women who are attracted to me tend to have low self-esteem and emotional problems, which makes them high maintenance, and unavailable to have a loving, committed relationship with me. We can have a relationship, but I won't be receiving any love because they don't have it to give. She has been giving me the eye since day one, which let's me know she is attracted to me. That makes me suspect. I'm thinking, "What is wrong with her that she finds me attractive?"

Then I have this sex problem. I don't want to have sex with someone unless we are in a committed relationship and I have known the person for a long time. I don't want some stranger touching me. I have trust issues. I move much slower than most women are used to. Also, I am very inexperienced with intercourse, which makes me self-conscious, so I think she'll reject me because her feelings are hurt because I don't want to have sex right away (which has happened many times in the past), or she'll make me even more self-conscious because the sex is bad the first time because I am so inexperienced and nervous.

Now, this is where the AS comes in. I don't know how to interact with women unless I follow a script, which involves me pretending to be someone I am not. I don't know how to have a polite conversation with a woman, a spontaneous conversation, just being myself. I have a knack for saying things that are odd or offensive to women, things that make me look like a nerd or a jerk. My only defense is to say as little as possible, which is awkward and makes me look like I am not interested. So I am in a double bind, if I don't talk to her, I will keep fantasizing about her and kicking myself for being a coward once again and letting another opportunity pass me by. If I do talk to her, that possibly starts the ball rolling for another crazy relationship. Or she stops finding me attractive once she sees my AS symptoms come out (reinforcing my beliefs of being unlovable).

I am in a place in my life where I have the opportunity to date if I want to, so I kind of want to do it but I have no idea what I am doing, other than I have a 100% failure rate at approaching women. I get sex when women approach me and I go along with it.

I don't know how to let a woman know I am attracted to her without being offensive. I don't know the path to take from stranger to relationship. I tend to go way too fast if I like someone.

I don't know. I have this goal of experiencing love, being in a long-term committed relationship but I don't know how to do it and all of my instincts are wrong. It makes me feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I am an ambitious person, so I will accomplish this goal once I commit to it, but I am terrified because I know it is going to take some work (internal and external).

Feedback is welcome.

I had to work with that girl tonight. My instincts were correct. She is unavailable for a relationship. I also think something is wrong with her (emotionally).

I am learning from my mistakes. I didn't want to be rude by not talking to her. I also did not want to be my normal jerk of a self, so I did good.

I basically just said something casual about school (a subject I knew was safe to talk about) and found out all I needed to know. She is attracted to me, but I am not going to go for it. I am going to keep it casual.

I found a book that is good for me. It is about this sort of thing. It is called What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating, and Relationships by Maxine Aston. I don't agree with everything she says but it gives me a good script to follow, which is what I need. I'm never going to be able to pick this stuff up on my own. The way I think is just way too different from the way the typical female thinks. I can't make them adapt to my AS. I have to adapt to the way they communicate and expect me to communicate.

Thanks for the feedback, leafplant. I think you are right. I get into trouble when I project and try to plan everything out. It also leaves the other person out of the picture. Part of having a relationship is both people taking part in making the plans, not one person dictating what happens.

Having had one relationship in my life, I'm not sure if I really want a relationship because I can't imagine enjoying it more than I hate it. I need long periods of time to myself and for people to handle the things I can't do, mostly strange things like saying certain words or not wanting to reply right away to every word someone says to me. I just think If I have another relationship I'll be smothered, but feeling abandoned and impotent also hurts all the time.

I don't know how to solve your problem but I'd say just try to live a day at a time, because the future is a depressing subject.

Why is, do you think, that you are attracting these kind of emotionally labile women? Is it your lack of self-esteem? Are you too nice which makes them thing you are some kind of sugar daddy that will put up with everything they do?

Like attracts like.


You say "I don't know how to let a woman know I am attracted to her without being offensive". Can you give examples of this?

I am upfront and blunt...and I think demanding and entitled. I can't give an example because I stopped approaching women years ago (probably over a decade ago. I choose from the women who show an interest in me.)