The possibility of me ever dating is hopeless....

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I'm writing this post just out of long-term frustration. I am 28 years old now, and I am really starting to think that I will NEVER go on a date with a girl. I think no girl will ever agree to go out with me.

Here is exactly what happens.... I do try and flirt and make small-talk with girls. I have noticed, however, in my MANY efforts to break-the-ice and start dialogues with girls, that they are initially very interested in engaging me and seeing what i have to say. However, after a few minutes, or a couple conversations, I notice that they suddenly sort of "turn-off" from me, and they go cold and lose all interest with me.

My assets are that I feel I am an ok-looking guy... I dress well, I have normal-interests, income, and a car. I feel that there is no reason for girls to be initially repulsed by me, and many seem to have interest in flirting with me.... until of course they realize I am "weird" and turn off. (I feel my flirting and small-talk skills are abysmal.)

I understand that because I have Aspergers, that when I start talking to girls, they realize within short order that I am not the typical guy, and therefore I am unacceptable for dating. My personality also does not really match my outward physical appearance, which I think leaves girls disappointed in their flirtations with me .... I try and dress well and stay fit, but I am very unconfident in conversation and I have the odd AS syntaxes. My oddness puts them off before they get a chance to know me better.

Ok, I think maybe I got the idea across, but I have been agonizing with these thoughts lately.

People also mis-understand me......


I am also NOT unconfident.... I just come across that way. I am VERY confident in the areas of life I am skilled in. However, it is unavoidable for me to not sound assertive in speech. It is impossible for me to speak and not sound unconfident, if this makes sense.

(I hate confidence)...


Another thing is that I feel that my natural social savvy and intuition is also abysmal.... I usually say too much, rather than knowing when to stop...... I think that sometimes people misconstrue this for weirdness. However, there is actually NOTHING weird or especially out-of-order about me. I feel I have a lot to offer people, but no one will take the chance because I don't fit the superficial profile of date-able guys in their late 20s.

Join the club. People seem to just all suck.

Actually, weirdness is in the eye of the beholder. And to many NTs, especially female NTs, we aspies all come across as weird.

Now, if by "weird" you really mean "sinister," than I can empathize with you. I don't have any harmful intentions toward anyone, regardless of their misconceptions. But weirdness as a concept is left up to the individual. And many NTs females clearly see you as weird. But it's the same with me.

This. I may be a bit picky about who I'd consider dating but why should I settle just because I'm an aspie with no experience or ability to drive or my own place?

I'm basically at the point of giving up myself. 32, never had a single date or kissed a girl or had sex ( and no, I will NEVER pay for it ) and madly in love with my best friend even though she'll probably never feel the same way. The most likely outcome of my pathetic worthless life is dying alone pining for her....

For years I was a failure with women, part of the reason was that I tried too hard and that I spent almost all my time doing a very male dominated hobby.

When I took up a hobby which both genders do, and I stopped trying so hard. I met a woman (an aspie) within about 2 years of starting the new hobby. We have been together since and we are now man and wife. So things can work out OK in the end.

I just wanted to say that nerds NTs are also part of this club





Curiosity, you could say what his previous hobby (male dominated) and his current hobby (both genders)?

Whats with all the double negatives?

You make some confusing points. Are you confident or not?

If it is any comfort to you, I am have also been a similarly socially inept aspie my whole whole life, but suddenly (aged 29) I matured enough to both know who I was, get a grasp of other people/reality, appear confident and attractive etc...

other than my miserably pathetic financial/academic situation, and a lot of personal responsibilities that it would take a very special person to accept. I am confident I could "date" anyone I wanted now. The thing is I also realise that I do not want to "date" or even socialise with a lot of people, no matter how physically attractive they are.

I think like many aspies, you are clutching onto fantasies. Maybe you do just want to have sex with some vapid busty young woman, or just have some eye candy to hang around with for something to look at, self esteem etc.. in which case you just need to sharpen up your appearance, have some money and know when to shut up.

But I can almost guarantee this is not true, even if you think it is.
If you want a woman in your life like a friend, who understands/appreciates you for yourself, with whom you can share experiences and thoughts. Continue being yourself. Go be productive and socially active, go to events and hang out with people both male and female. When socialising with females, go on "Friend dates" with women who you may not find attractive and are the wrong age, but just go enjoy an activity together. If you cannot be friends with a woman you aint got much hope in making one fall for you. If you follow this lifestyle, you will eventually come across someone who both likes you in terms of character and physically, and you will probably find you feel the same for her.

This friend of yours, how close are you? Does she like and understand you as much as you do for her? (in terms of a friendship?)

If so, I dont see why you cant just jump in there and give it a shot. She is not going to hate you for trying. But I would make sure your appearance is as good as it possibly can be before you try, and perhaps you should go through a period where you are mysterious, illusive and seemingly doing exciting things in other places. Perhaps date some other women who you may not even like. Then she might start considering you as a real man, with an interesting life and demands.

Yeah, I remember back in school most of the NT nerds were arrogant teacher's-pet/snitches who thought they were smarter and more clever than everyone else. Ironic the nerds are often bigger pricks than most of the other kids.

it takes a couple months before I get on women nerves. lucky,I have found
some good ladies,that I haven't pissed off,yet.

When I started university again last year I decided that this time I was going to be open about my autism. Trying to hide something most people will notice within a couple of minutes always felt dishonest to me anyway. Granted several people I tried engaging (to become more than just "classmates) didn't respond, but one person did, and I've never felt so at ease with any friend because I don't have to constantly think about trying to do "the proper thing" or "how to explain it and save(/change) the "fake" friendship" when "s**t does go down".

Use the initial interest they show in you to explain "Hey, this is really scary for me because I have autism which I can explain more about if you're interested, but I really wanted to talk to you and get to know you better because you seem interesting to me".
Even if they don't end up "returning you what you expected", at least you're shortcutting your own process of having to go over "what did I do wrong and how should I do it differently next time"/"What should I hide from myself".

I hope you'll try it WA5p, seriously, what do you have to lose?

Sorry guys, I've just been coming to a point in my life where I've decided I'm going to be myself in full glory, and see my autism as something "openly" part of me and something I can/should joke about towards/with others like someone with glasses, someone going bald, whatever. I rather have no friends (which I didn't have anyway) and know it's because people don't like me, than always question myself about "If I pretend well enough to be something I'm not, can I eventually guilt trip/cheat them into becoming friends with the real me as well, so then we'll truly be great friends".

I know a lot of people here disagree with me, and it's all still pretty new for me too, but I'm really rooting for the "let people know you have autism" approach, and it's been working for me, not only with "friends" but also with "classmates".

It feels pretty nice to have a discussion about for example going to get some dinner with some fellow students and not only considering -their needs- like "she's a vegetarian", "he's Muslim", "She doesn't like fish" "He wants to bring friends", but also -my needs- like "would him bringing friends (who the others don't know either so couldn't care less about) make it too busy for you (who they do know and care about, if not "as much" as friends then "at least" as a friendly classmate)", and allowing me to choose where to sit when at the actual restaurant.

I have the same problem.

I am outwardly normal looking, I take care of myself and look presentable, but I think and talk like an aspie, and it never takes anyone long to figure that out. Either people think I'm weird and want to avoid me, or they pity me. I just want to be treated like an equal.

It seems like a couple of non sequiturs in a conversation is all it takes for someone to write you off. Would it be such a massive effort for them to just ask me what I meant? I would tell them, but I've never met anyone who actually cares enough to ask. So I try to be more proactive to explain myself when I can see they didn't get what I meant.

Maybe I shouldn't explain myself, maybe I should just change the topic?

I understand where you are coming from because friendships in general didn't exist for me 2 years ago. I was a virgin until 23. Definitely not by choice, and I even got to the point several times where sex should have happened because the girl did all the work without me understanding what was really going on.

In the past two years, I threw myself into learning social skills, and though I still think incredibly logically, I've developed language skills that make me sound like an NT and now understand the process from meet to sex with a girl.

It's not impossible. There's no value in assuming relationships aren't meant for us. It just takes work. The beauty of being aspie is the pragmatic approach to life. Being good with dating or women is like any other skill, it's learnable and repeatable.

There's no reason to not be good, especially online with talking to women. It's a combination of learning what 5-10 statements to use again and again in every single message exchange to reach the point where she agrees to a meet up and having profile pics that look good (You don't need to be goodlooking, just have good pictures)

I hope you all have the same growth I had. Just found this forum. Wish you all the best.

She & I are very close, we even hug when she leaves as I walk her out to her car...and I have told her how I feel. She ended up getting back with an ex that also happens to be a mutual friend. Got so depressed I couldn't eat or sleep for 2 weeks. And I can't just date other women if every one just rejects me....believe me, I try but I just get nowhere. So unless Lara Croft and Samus Aran count...

Then your standards are too high or you really are making no effort. Seriously, just go and date someone or make it appear like you are. You could just make friends with a couple women. This maybe extremely new territory and challenging for you, but all the more reason to do it. take it a step at a time.

Once you are capable of befriending other women, you will certainly be able to date one. Even if it is not the woman of your dreams. Only at this stage would I say it is even worth attempting with your friend. She is not even considering you as a man. Seriously, get out there. Improve yourself, your social circle, make your life exciting. Then you will find her looking at you differently. You may just not be her type at all, but. None of this work will be in vain. Your life will be better, and you will be much more capable of finding a partner and regular friends.