Touching... ugh

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Well, I finally went on a date (just barely met my goal of before my 19th birthday!). It was either the first or second, I'm really not sure. Basically I went to the guy's apt and we watched a movie. It was fun and all, but then when I was leaving he hugged me... and I think I kind of tensed up, because he asked what was wrong. Nothing was really wrong, I was just a) unprepared for it, and b) Not used to/don't really enjoy touching people. This has occured to me before when thinking about how I'd handle a "relationship", but now that it is really relevant, I'm pretty worried. Then there was a point there where I thought he was going to kiss me (he didn't. *phew*) and I actually almost panicked, so that's a problem as well. I like this guy, but I'm afraid that if I don't get at least sort of comfortable with physical contact, he'll take that as me not liking him. And I always see on tv and movies and stuff (which I'm just SURE is totally accurate and representative of real life. lol) that dating post-high school tends to get pretty physical pretty fast, and I know I do not want that, but what if he does? I'm also actually questioning just HOW MUCH I like him. Aren't you supposed to want to kiss people when you're dating? Maybe I just want to be friends, I can't even tell. If that's the case, how am I supposed to tell him? Hell, even if I do want more, but then it doesn't work out, how do I break up with him? That issue is further complicated by the fact that we have a daily class together, so I'd see him every day till the semester ends. And now that I have that all written down, I'm worried that I'm thinking too much and that this is causing me a lot more stress than happiness. Reading it all over again, I'm SURE I'm thinking about it too much. Damn.

Does anyone have any of these problems? Can anyone help me out?

These exact thoughts flow through my mind if someone even asks me out (which is rare), before we even GO on a date. So yes, i relate exactly!! For me, I almost never have romantic/sexual/affectionate feelings for a guy unless i know him really well first, like as a friend. Of course, this happens very rarely too, and most people seem to like to distinguish between friends and "special friends" from the get-go.

I'm like you, I don't want to touch anyone unless i know them really well, even if i do like the person. If they touch me, I tense up. I don't like casual hugs. Hell, I think even extended eye contact is too intimate for mere aquaintances! I don't feel the tingly attraction unless i feel safe and comfortable around a person, which doesn't happen unless we know each other well. And even then of course, one or both of you might decide you want to just be friends.

I know what its like to hope and hope for a date and then a relationship and even fantasize about the physical stuff only to be scared and anxious if there's a possibility of any of that occuring.

My advice I suppose is to be honest and tell the guy that you typically take a bit longer than most people to get to know and thus feel comfortable around people. But make sure you let him know that you like him, and you just happen to be this way with everybody. If you can figure out a cute way to say it, he'll be flattered and not put off.

Guy's perspective: I have the exact same problem. I am too touchy feely, and have no problem being close or touching. On the same token, my biggest nerves on a date stem from how much touching should go on. Can I hold her hand, give her a hug, touch a shoulder/knee, go in for the kiss, etc. Figuring out all of those things are why I hate going on 1st dates. Nowadays I know well enough to tell a woman in advance "if you are into me, show me physical signs like touching my hand or giving a hug or bumping into me." If I dont get any of those signs, I usually get the feeling she isnt into me. I cant figure out from body posture or facial expressions what the girl is feeling, so I have to rely on the physical side to feel the girl out.

Touching isn't a bother to me. I mean I seem to be the one that does the most touching in a realtionship with another AS.

I have had a similar problem. A couple of years ago I dated a girl for some months, and at the first dates I didn't try anything because I didn't feel confortable with the idea, and it took several weeks for me to know her and get to actually desire her. When I made up my mind and went for it, she already considered me a friend and, as you know, from a women's point of view, if you are a friend you'll never be able to be a lover.

What a wasted opportunity.

[quote="Sir_Sefirot"] as you know, from a women's point of view, if you are a friend you'll never be able to be a lover.
quote]

Let me just say, as a woman - NOT TRUE!! ! I have to be friends with someone before I can even consider being anything more or even having feelings of desire. Knowing a person well and liking them for all they are is what brings on those feelings in me. The most attractive guy in the world could not convince me to even kiss him unless I knew him really well first and liked him!

I'm likely to scream in terror if anyone touches me.

A quick peck on the cheek or even just on the lips is okay, but that's the limit. Most other contact is OK, but it does feel a bit weird. If I'm caught off gaurd I might disappear through a new hole in the ceiling.

I'm a guy but with touching issues as well so I could maybe help a bit. If I know I am interested in the girl I will gradually get used to physical contact. It might be a touch on the shoulder or a friendly pat on the back, both of which can be as short or long as you want it to be. I think that worked for me well up until I got to the drinking age. By then if I was interested in a girl I could get drunk and not mind the touching so much (though that could be mostly due to me not being able to feel my own face). Oh and drink responsibly™. Definitely not an option in your case, but can be easier (and faster) than slowly building up touch comfortably over time.

I am 27 and I definately don't have the dating relationship thing worked out. Actually it is, now, the only section of my life I can't function properly in but I know I am getting close. Touching for me is weird until I know them well, it is a problem for me, but luckily I have that stand-offish air about me because I am an aspie. So things usually don't go too fast for me. Gosh now that I am writting this out.. I am not sure I have any advice for you. I would say take your time, but you should let him know that you need the time to begin with. Take things as slow as you can, because the faster it goes the more complicated it gets. Anyway.. let us know what you decide and how things are going.

congratulations on your first date. i recently lossed my virginity wich i'm very proud of

I hate being touched big time. Touch me, and I get nasty.