out of sight out of mind?

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I'm curious as to Aspie response to this.

The guy ive been seeing (on/off) for months now (ASD possible Aspie) can be amazing to hang out with for a few days, then we say we'll talk, then his job gets busy and he just kind of forgets me. I know he hasn't "really" forgotten me, cos he will respond, but with a tiny percentage of the former intensity. Its like he has forgotten who I am in between times.

Can someone help explain this to me?

We went thru a big blow out a couple months ago and i explained all the issues it brought up (of regular guy behaviour meaning he's not interested etc etc ad nauseum), and he nodded and said he understood and things were great. he actually was able to make an effort and it was a real breakthrough i thought.

Then recently we had a few super great days and he went back to a very stressful few days and kept putting off seeing me for 4 or 5 or 6 days. When the day finally arrived he was kind AWOL and surprised that i was disappointed.

This is the hardest thing for me in this relationship. He also seems to have no sense of urgency, and i know he hates planning ahead. So it can be days into weeks when we can finally meet up again, and in the meantime i'm starting to feel isolated and withdraw which causes problems.

All i want is to understand why this happens. How can it be so intense and great, and then just feel like he's dropped off a cliff? We pretty much always pick up where we left off but I feel this time it might be the end. As he is failing to understand why it impacts me so greatly, and therefore feels like the the relationship should end, so that the confusion and pain ends.
I don't want to relationship to end, and i don't think he does either, but i can't make him understand that if i understood, the realtionship would improve. Its very black and white to him.

I have spent a lot of time getting this far because he is worth it, and somewhat have the capacity to deal with his limitations even though this is mainly through my own research. But this one thing i can't grasp it. I feel like if i can grasp it i would better be able to handle it and absorb it into my understanding of how we relate, and therefore be able to cope.

I purposefully have left out all the details due to lack of time and really just wanting answers to this specific topic, (versus dealing with an Aspie relationship in general).

Can all you Aspies help me to better understand my guy? i love him dearly.

Do you forget about the person?
Do you stop caring about the person?
Are you thinking about them?
Can you not focus on 2 things at once e.g. work and relationship?
Or something else?

Thanks so much

Being a (self-diagnosed) aspie myself, my wife and I have these exact sorts of problems.

I am fairly new to accepting this aspect of myself, but I can tell you that for me, "out of sight" is very much "out of mind". I don't multitask well at all. I can pretty much focus on one thing at a time. So if I'm really busy at work, my wife just never enters my thoughts. Conversely, if I'm goofing off at work, it's not even going to occur to me to get back to work.

Worse, if I'm overworked or overstimulated, most of my cognitive functioning pretty much just shuts down and I get wrapped up in my internal thoughts. I have no control over this. So if I've worked hard all day, it's common for me to come home and appear inattentive to anything my wife has to say, or if I acknowledge what she says, I won't have anything to say in response. This, I think, translates to what you describe as "being AWOL".

Things end up happening like I don't always proactively do the dishes, laundry, pick up after myself, or otherwise help around the house. I rarely bring home flowers or do other random gestures to show my appreciation, not because I don't care, but because it just never even occurs to me.

A couple months ago she left on vacation with some girlfriends for a week. During that whole time I never called her, I waited for her to call to me. I didn't think much of this, but when she got home it turned out that it had hurt her deeply.

None of this means I don't care about my wife. Quite the opposite. She is my whole world and I would be destroyed if I lost her or something happened to her. She means everything to me. But what I keep having to force myself to learn is that as an NT she doesn't care what's going on up inside my head if I never demonstrate it.

If he sees that you are hurting, he probably feels guilty and like he can't do anything to keep from hurting you. He's probably talking about ending the relationship because in his mind he sees that as the only way he can be fair to you.

I can't say I have much in the way of answers, but I hope this helps.

Sorry, sister. He's just not that into you. Time to move along.

ask him don't ask us he knows whats going on, not us.

The answers to your question from my perspective and knowledge from books and observations from my own boyfriend;

Question 1: No I don't think they forget about the person at all, they are just distracted and can't focus on more than one thing at a time. It never means that they don't care about you, because they really do still care and will still show their own ways of loving you. Eventhough it may feel like he's forgotten about you, he really hasn't. It's just something that you need to accept that he needs to do from time to time. He can't help it and it has nothing to do with the way he feels about you.

Question 2: I don't think that Aspies stop caring about the person, they will still be willing to show their love and dedication in the relationship. My Aspie gets distracted with his special interest from time to time, but he always makes it up to me afterwards, which tells me he still cares even though shutting down is something he has to do from time to time. What tells me he still loves me is that he always comes back and continues to make plans to see me and makes an effort to talk to me. Always appreciate the little efforts that your partner makes to talk to you and be with you. Never take those things for granted and always think of the things he does to make you feel loved.

Question 3: I can't really answer this one because I'm not sure what might be going through their minds during this time.

Question 4: Aspies struggle to multi-task and are often forgetful. Sometimes I have seen my boyfriend read my texts and then just forget to reply because at that moment in time he was pre-occupied.

I am not an Aspie, but I have an Aspie boyfriend and we go through something similar to the type of situation you are going through. I've done a lot of reading about Asperger's and from my research and speaking to Aspie friends; I have found that because people with Asperger's have such an intense focus on a certain thing, which is mainly their special interest. Their intense focus immerses them into their own world where they will sometimes block out any social interaction. They often lose track of time whilst doing this and sometimes they don't realise how much time has passed since the time they last talked to their partner. They often do this because of two reasons; Aspies have intense focus on one thing which means that they struggle to multi-task. He might just be getting distracted or pre-occupied with his special interest. Also, if he is focused on the conversation and nothing else, you'll get better replies because the only thing he's focused on is talking to you. However, if he's pre-occupied you won't get a lot of answers out of him due to his attention being focused on his special interest most likely. The second reason why the Aspie might do this is because of sensory overload due to stress, something bothering them, bad days at work or school, socialising or just feeling overloaded because of their day. This isn't always the case though, sometimes they just want their space and solitude. Whatever you do, please don't take this personally. Aspies really don't mean to do this, but it's something they sometimes have to do in order to relax and get rid of their stresses. Sometimes NT's will think that their partner is ignoring or avoiding them or it may come across as if he has forgotten you, that really isn't the case. They see it as a way of relaxing and relieving them of their daily stresses or they just simply get distracted. This is NOT done with malicious intent. They don't do this on purpose to hurt you in any way at all. They often don't realise they're doing it until you point it out, but some Aspies are quite open with this and others are not, it varies from person to person.

A successful relationship that involves someone who is an NT and an Aspie requires a lot of understanding between eachother. Do as much reading as you possibly can about Asperger's. This will help you to understand his perspective a lot more and understand why he does the things he does. Reading books will completely change your mindset and make your relationship much easier for the both of you. It's very hard to get your head around at first but always have patience and keep perservering if you want to make it work with your boyfriend. Read a lot of books about it and trust me, it definately pays off and things get better. It won't stop him from withdrawing, but if you understand his behaviour a lot better and get out of the NT way of thinking and able to see his perspective and empathize with him, it will help a lot and improve your relationship ten fold. I speak from experience of this and my boyfriend is much more open with me, I feel less hurt when he shuts down because I understand why and I feel at ease. No relationships are easy and all of them require work, so it will be worth your time to invest in books about Asperger's and relationships if you feel that you really do love this person and that he makes you feel amazing, happy and loved and that you get along like clockwork when he's not shutting down.

My best advice to give you would be to let him have his space and he will always come back to you. I know this is hard but the more you try to pressure him to talk, the more he'll feel pressured and pull away. Try not to pressurize him to talk to you at all, but you can ocassionally message him to see how he's doing and see if he responds, just don't over do it or ask why he's not talking to you because he might think that you're being demanding or asking too much of him.

Accept that your boyfriend sometimes needs space and time to himself. I would suggest finding stuff to do in your own time to fill the gap of feeling lonely. Spend time with your friends and have fun or play games or pursue a hobby. Also, don't have such high expectations of him because he may not be able to fulfill that and it may make him feel burnt out. A book I read has taught me that No expectations = No dissapointments which is really true when you start implementing it and changing your mindset on things after reading a good few books about Asperger's.

Be really patient, this is really important. Don't get angry with your partner for needing space. If you come across as hostile, he will mirror your actions and will also become hostile and defensive if you show that you are angry. If this happens, it will be harder to solve these issues and just make the whole thing worse and may even cause him to go into shutdown mode. He's not doing this to avoid you or ignore you at all. He doesn't mean to do this, it's just something he needs to do. Never accuse your partner or start a sentence with "you" because that is seen as an accusation and will most likely not end very well. Instead, use "I feel". It will not offend your partner and you're telling him how something is making you feel instead of saying that he caused you to feel that way. Also, when addressing issues, be straight and to the point. Never complain for long periods of time. What I often find works is that I would tell my boyfriend the problem, he would ask why I feel that way and then I will tell him the reason and what I'd like him to do about it. This is an effective way to address issues directly. It's often that Aspies don't know what their partner wants them to do about a particular problem they may be facing.

My final and most important tip is to read books about Asperger's. This is what helped me the most in these types of situations and helped me to understand that this wasn't intentionally done and it doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you or love you anymore. In fact, Aspies have their own ways of showing that they love you but it might not be so obvious to NTs. I suggest you read Asperger's and Long-Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford. This explains it a lot and there's a really helpful section in The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood about this topic. Another book which is very handy to have is also called Connecting With Your Asperger Partner: Negotiating The Maze of Intimacy by Louise Weston. There are a few other books that are available which I have read but I have found these ones to be most helpful to me in understanding this type of situation.

Well, I hope this has helped you. This has all come from my own knowledge and perspective from my relationship. If you have any questions or for me to make some book recommendations for you, please don't hesitate to private message me. I am always happy to help, esspecially when I know what this feels like.

It could easily be that he is concentrating on one thing that everything else comes second.
No offense to you of course as this can seem perplexing but it's to do with the amount of effort he puts in to his life and priorities are different based upon the day.

boston123, I've experienced the same with my guy. Irregular. Erratic. Discontinuous. There were 2-3 week breaks, or 3-month breaks, and then a 2-year break, and then a 9-year break, and then a 2.5-year break, and then a 7-month break, and then almost daily contact for a few weeks, and now it's been 3 months. Regardless of how much time has passed, we always pick up where we left off. After 16 years of seemingly random on/off, talking and spending time together is just as great and intense as it was on day 1. I may despair or get angry in between, but I'm always just happy to see him again.

Right now, neither of us would say we're "having a relationship." I'm ready, but he's not. He's explained that he's feeling overwhelmed, and I'm doing my best to accept that for now. But we have become friends, and we are negotiating and inching our way closer. Having been in a relationship with him previously, though, I'd say that either he feels the passage of time differently, or he is not aware that regular contact and time together is a deep, basic NT need. The same way feeding a pet or watering a plant is necessary, or it will die. For me, the frequency is negotiable, but consistency is critical. I suspect no one has ever calmly, clearly explained this to him, so we'll have to talk about it sometime.

Night_Shade917, your advice is brilliant. I've done pretty much all of it, but such well-written reminders are always helpful.

1000Knives, that describes my guy exactly. He once told me that he doesn't plan his life more than two days ahead. I know he meant that literally - how else would an Aspie mean it! - but that is still an extremely difficult concept for NTs to grasp. Especially when he's demonstrated the ability to plan ahead in his professional life. His career depends on catching flights, keeping appointments, meeting deadlines, and coordinating complex events weeks or months in advance. Maybe that just uses up all his "planning energy?"

As for your questions boston123, my guy can't multi-task, and is 100% focused on the moment. He "forgets" about me while working, and "forgets" about work while with me. He keeps trinkets I've given him close at hand. He told me that he thinks about me and is often tempted to call me, but he checks himself, mainly for fear that he'll hurt me in some unknown way. I should probably tell him that his absence hurts more than his presence.

Thank you Waitykatie. My research definately has paid off! I'm glad I can spread what I know to others who might be experiencing this

WOW.

thanks everyone for the responses - am overwhelmed with gratitude I feel like some light has been shed on this for me. (of course, he may not be that into me after all, but at least now i have a better idea of what goes on for him).

I'll write more soon - too tired now.

Thank you for that AScomposer. It really means a lot that my knowledge is valued and I feel good for knowing that the advice I gave was accurate and thorough. I'm always happy to help! I'm sorry I couldn't answer question 3, I was unsure of what they might be thinking about during that time. I'm happy you covered that part for me. Thank you

boston123, Night_Shade917 and waitykatie, you three should meet up since you are able to talk about it and in a sense help each other out with life.