Asperger's in a long distance relationship?

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Hello, my aspie girlfriend and I have been together for a while now through a long distance relationship. Everything's been great, but as time is passing I'm starting to feel like Asperger's is causing issues between us. Not in terms of fights, but as you may be able to imagine with distance a "relationship" is already very limited in what you can do, but I'm feeling like the things we can do are so limited it's almost more of a friendship. I really do love her and I don't want to give up on her, but when you can't even physically be together you need to have a strong bond to be able to keep it up, and I'm not sure if I should keep this going on for much longer (Understand that we currently and for a good while don't have the ability to really meet up. There's a chance for maybe once around July, but I doubt it).

1. How do you talk something over?

Every site and person tells me to simply be direct, but it seems awkward to do that. I'm just not sure how to have that sort of talk with her, because in the past when I've attempted to she clearly feels very uncomfortable and most of her answers are "I don't know" and I stop because I don't like making her feel that way. Basically what I need to know is how to get her to sit down with me and talk over the things that I feel are lacking, and how I bring this to her without sounding forcing. I know that in her eyes the relationship is perfectly healthy and I don't want her to feel like it's suddenly breaking down.

2. How do I get her to express her love?

With no physical aspect to any of it, it all has to come from words really. I can live with that, I like long distance relationships and everything about them, but right now it's not really happening at all. With no form of body language, I really can't tell anything about how she's feeling. I often send her love letters and she clearly does like those a lot, but she doesn't know how to reply and just says thank you. I understand that, and I've been okay with that, but her entire side of the, err, "lovey dovey" stuff can't exist out of saying thank you. This is probably my biggest problem, because like I said earlier I feel like we're almost just friends and am starting to feel discouraged in expressing my love if after sitting down and writing something for 25 minutes I have to just imagine that she enjoyed reading it.

3. We don't really do anything

We often make due with chats. We've watched movies together, but that's maybe once a month. She says she's too shy for Skype or a phone call (I'm a little too, though), and refuses to do them. She also refuses to ever send me an image of herself, and just links me back to the two she sends all the way back from before we even fell in love. I want to at least be able to know what she looks like these days, and I haven't heard her voice in five months. It's long distance, you have to be creative and be willing to do different things, and just getting on a chat for the 4th or 5th time this week is starting to grow dull.

4. Is a relationship with asperger's right for me?

I mean, I love her to death. She's awesome, and I want to be with her. I knew that she had it before we got together and decided that it was something I could deal with. I don't wanna end it, but serious change needs to happen. I don't believe in "asperger's people can't love", they certainly can, but I do really need to feel it. It could easily take another good 14 - 17 months before we could begin talking about a legitimate move closer to each other and if I have to spend the next 17 months like this it's just not going to work. I don't at all expect her to do much, it's fine, but just something small like a message or something, anything, would make me feel tons better. Right now it's just me trying every strategy suggested to me and nothing is working out, and as I said when I try to talk about this she becomes incredibly uncomfortable, won't give me any answers, and I'll feel guilty for doing it and stop. Admittedly, I am someone who needs a lot of variation in a relationship and I work best with people who directly tell me that they like something about me. Am I just not someone to take this on?

Thanks in advance for the responses, and hopefully I can use them to work towards a stronger relationship that satisfies us equally.

I was in a long-distance AS-AS relationship for about 3 years. Because of the distance, you don't get to spend as much time with the person as you would if you lived in the same area.

Plus there can be issues with affection (many people on the spectrum don't like touching/being touched, and many are asexual).

While you're sorting out the relocation issue, just make the effort to visit as often as you can and schedule some fun activities that you both like.

Both of you are going to have to leave your comfort zones a little and do Skype, phone calls, etc. You'll be glad you did!

I agree with Northeastern. Try skyping or calling on the phone.

And what's with the not sending any pictures except for the first two? I'd start getting suspicious personally..




I did want to say that if things don't work out between you two, please don't let that deter you from entering another relationship (long distance or otherwise) with someone who has Asperger's. We're all very different and things that bother some of us, won't bother others, and certain things that some of us may feel we cannot deal with/or do others will be able to deal with or even enjoy doing.

Such as Skype and phone calls. Skyping makes me VERY uncomfortable, but I will do it and have done it for girlfriends in the past because they wanted to. Same thing with the phone. I hate talking on the phone and it makes me nervous and anxious, but I will suck it up and do it for my girlfriend at the time. Not saying we do it every day, but every so often.

Saying, "I love you" and stuff like that. Again, some people may not say things like that and don't express their feelings very well, while others are extremely expressive.
Currently I'm in a long distance correspondence with a girl I am deeply romantically interested in. She, like me has AS. We have managed to Skype about once or twice a week for the past month (although both of us feel awkward and nervous about it), I have always been a very expressive person - in regular relationships I show this by being affectionate with touches/cuddling, and in long distance ones I express it verbally. The girl I correspond with does the same back to me.

My point for bringing that all up is just to say that everyone with Asperger's is different so the issues you may be having with this particular woman, is not indicative to the problems you may have in the future if you happen to get into another relationship with someone with AS.


Now as for how do you talk to her about it? Well, I think you do need to be direct but gentle with discussing the issues you are having. There's no other way to go about it. She may feel uncomfortable but that's better than not saying anything at all until you can't take it anymore and break up with her and she's wondering wtf happened.
You can either sit her down (figuratively speaking) and talk to her about all the issues you're facing OR you could mention them here and there as you guys go on about your usual.
For example, the love letter thing - When she tells you she received it and thanks you for it, you should ask, "How do you feel about it?" "How did you like it when I said this?" "What about that?" "Would you ever be interested in writing me back?" etc.

The Skype and phone call thing you'd have to talk to her about. Just try to see if she's comfortable with the idea of trying it.. Maybe start with doing just a voice chat.. Then build up.. Maybe start with the two of you watching a movie on the same channel and skyping while watching it together. That way neither of you have to talk or look at each other much, but are still getting used to the idea of a webcam being on.

But really, I'd be suspicious on the 2 picture thing... That'd be a huge red flag for me. I'm not saying there's a huge possibility of something fishy but I'd definitely want to be sure I know who I'm talking to or what I'm dealing with before falling in love with them.
For me, personally, I don't let myself get too emotionally invested in someone I met online until I've skyped them. Even if it's just once for a few minutes, I just need to be sure. The internet is chock full of people lying about who they are or what they really look like. It's not like if I saw her on Skype and she was 300 pounds I'd suddenly not like her anymore, it's just a matter of if that person is telling me the truth or not. If someone sends me a pic and leads me to believe that's what they look like, then we Skype or we meet in person and they look significantly different, I would be very hesitant in continuing a relationship with them because then I've caught them lying to me and trust and honesty is huge, especially to the beginning of relationships (for me).