NT looking for insights on the process of AS destressing

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ok, just had a conversation with my AS husband. He works away and says he needs to completely destress when he comes home - in fact he needs to be in a place where just talking about home de-stresses him, which it doesn't at the moment because of all the problems we are having.

So here is my question: to the Aspies amongst you, what do your NT partners do that is most effective when it comes to relieving your stress.

To the NTs amongst you, what are the most effective techniques and insights have you picked up?

When I'm stressed, I usually don't want to talk--at all. My husband respects that, and leaves me to myself so I can unwind.

I was married briefly before I was diagnosed. At the time I was still trying my best to act normal and I did not have a clear idea of what I needed to de-stress, so it was really hard on my husband. If I were ever to attempt being in another relationship I would spell out clearly what I need, which is at least 2 to 3 hours each morning and the same amount at night before sleeping with no human contact. Does your partner know what he needs and is he able to express it? For me, I felt like a freak for needing so much alone time that I would just try and push through my feelings of being overwhelmed. Which led to a big depressive break down and divorce.

Yes, I've got the time alone thing now and don't try to talk to him,persuade him out of it as I used to.

He says what he needs are the 'little' things and that he 'tells' me what they are but I 'don't listen'. The trouble is, they really are small things that can so easily get swallowed in the day to day. I just wish there was a sort of rule of thumb that could keep me alert

Maybe when the two of you come together to talk, start reflecting on the relationship the two of you have and clearly say to eachother "I like it when you say/do this for me. It makes me feel loved." Then try this again after a week and see how things improve. I hope he would be on board for that.

My big thing is being left alone with the computer for awhile. I've also had relationships where they poked food and beer in the door and left me alone until I was fit for human company. (I need a sign for my home office that says: "Do not speak. Do not make eye contact. Place the beer and sammich on the desk and back away quietly. We may just survive this thing.")

It's hard to stay stressed when there's a computer, a nice beer and a sammich waiting for you. I mean, you definitely don't have to, but the gesture makes me feel.... palliated. Plus, I forget to eat when I'm working on something, which quickly leads to head-on-fire irritable.

Sometimes, I need the other person to listen while I pace and swear, but I try to do that very infrequently (and never at them, I just want to tell someone how much something sucks.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I'm really, really stressed and the other person remains receptive, quiet and understanding, it's very helpful. At some point, you'll have to talk to them and tell them what's going on, but that moment where the demands stop for a little bit gives me time to tuck the ragged bits in and be able to turn around and engage in reciprocity.

I really want to do nice things for the other person, but fresh on a ten hour day after the outrageous demands NTs seem to want to make without acknowledging it (entering and staying in my personal space, being loud and insisting on disrupting work, talking incessantly about their lives and feelings while I'm trying to work and being insulted when I try to focus on work, plus the work of interpreting myself to them and them to myself), I am not quite.... human.... in the sense that the other person is. I'm made of sparky little wires and ragged cloth.

It takes time to reassemble a human from all those bits and ends.

For me it is simple: When I am stressed, leave me alone.

I like a giant bowl of chicken fettuccini Alfredo, a six pack of Pepsi (It'd be beer if I weren't an alcoholic), and to be left alone on the computer or watching my crime shows on television.

Honestly I would PREFER to watch them with my significant other as long as she didn't talk too much, like during the show when they're explaining a certain piece of evidence or whatever.
Having her snuggled with me and watching my favorite crime shows or watch me play my video games in comfortable silence is extremely relaxing to me and probably romantic to her. Maybe. Hopefully? I dunno.

second on the cuddling, though depending on what kind stress i am i may want to rant too just get it out.

If I had an NT partner, the best thing they could do would be to leave me to de-stress alone. Time away from people is what allows me to wind down.

*edit* Hey, you're the one who made the "why does this never get any better" thread. Take my advice there: stop trying to be perfect and make him take some responsibility for his own damn emotional regulation. He really sounds like a spoiled brat.

tarantella: I am a woman.

The situation works for me, and they don't complain since I reciprocate.