Advice Sought: my gf with asperger

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Hi everyone. (Im not aspie)
A few years ago I had a GF who had aspergers, she didn't tell me until the moment i was extremely upset and confused. It was a terrible relationship, she was so pretty that men would try and take her away from me (alpha male challege) or she would get followed home and that sort of thing. If I pointed out the issues she was walking into she'd get angry with me. The relationship was doomed and dead within six months (I'll spare you the sad details in case there are young people reading this).
Thats the background dealt with.

I've been dating this girl for a little while now, and I'm very certain that she has aspergers too. This girl is the opposite to the other - she's shy, comes across as a bit prudish, somewhat awkward of course (I touch her arm, she reacts like she's seen a spider), she holds my hand like she's holding a brick. Anyway, we are both in our late 30s, her online dating profile says she wants family and romance and all that - exactly what I need in my life too. Perfect? Frankly guys, I'm scared of spending another six months being demoralised.
How can I be tactile with my gf? Will she want or need sex as much as I do? It appears to me that she's never really had a bf, her profile pretty much admits this, and saddest of all she keeps moving to new towns like a hobo. Why is she doing this?
I'd like to give this girl my love, but I'm scared. I know aspies need or prefer no nonsense straightforward talk, so should I just tell her what I want from her? Is it that simple?
And finally, should I tell her we should discuss things (in time) with a therapist? I cannot live with a sexless relationship.
Thanks, and I'd appreciate any frank replies.

This reminds me of one of my previous relationships.

When I was in college I dated this girl, apparently NOT an aspie, but she had a lot of social issues like what you described. She didn't mind touching or anything like that, but totally inexperienced, whereas I'm the one with the out-of-control sex drive.

VERY early on I told her what I expected in a relationship and what was GOING to happen if she stuck with me for very long and that she needed to be sure she could handle that if she wanted to keep seeing me. I'm not giving any ultimatums here, I REALLY like you…love you, even…but I'd rather have to deal with a broken heart NOW than go on and feel like I've totally wrecked your life making you do something you don't want to do. I practically BEGGED her to break up with me, and it wasn't what she wanted. So…she wasn't a virgin for much longer after that.

No idea why she keeps moving around…job prospects? IDK…TBH I don't think this is the girl for you. If sex matters that much to you, tell her what you expect. Give it, say, another six weeks. If you're getting closer to a sexual relationship by that point, stay the course. If not, maybe it's time to be open to relationships with other women. Nurture opposite sex friendships you already have and see if something might be brewing with another woman. I'm not suggesting CHEATING, at least not past the emotional level (c'mon, people, you know you all do it!). If there's some potential abroad, simply tell this girl it's time for you two to move on…it's been fun, I think you're awesome, and whoever wins your heart is a lucky guy!! ! Please don't cry, hugs, kiss on the cheek, exeunt omnes, curtain, the end.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming to be a sex monster lol. I want a smooth sexual relationship with her, I don't want to have to jump through hoops every timeI need it, or need affection. I'm wondering how to get this across, or let her know she can relax with me.

Maybe don't tell her with you want from her, tell her what to do with her, tell her what you want to give her, ask her what she wants to do with you, ask her what she wants to give you and see where it goes. But if you tell her that you want to give her your love and you want to be able to hold her and stroke her and make her feel safe and have her do the same for you, and she does not want that, it's important to listen because that is unlikely to change. Whereas if she says that she wants that, she probably means that and would like to learn.

I am also NT and tried dating an undiagnosed Aspie.

My advice is that if the two are in love can be worthwhile.

In my case, I knew I would go through many difficulties, but I really was in love with her, and sex was not the main thing for me.

But it did not work, because unfortunately lacked the principal: she also loved me.

The effort broke all on my part, did not receive almost nothing in return, and she was not very happy with me which ended on a sad ending.

I don't understand mate. You said you were both in love so it didn't work..?

What does NT mean?

NT is short for neurotypical. Not having ASD, and some people include things like ADHD and dyslexia as wiring issues that make someone not quite NT.

I wondered that too but had the impression maybe she did not love him back? Felt very sad for NTGuy.

I think you might not want to apply pressure on her too soon. Aspies hate to be pressured about these things, and it could affect your relationship (she might get the impression you see her as a sex object). Give her time to be more accustomed to you, be willing to listen and compromise, and perhaps she may warm up to you.

I agree that he shouldn't make it a pressure thing. However, if sex is that important to him and not to her, then they're just wasting each other's time--he's getting intensely frustrated by her lack of reciprocation, she's getting annoyed that everything is about sex all the time (I'm not saying she IS just yet, but eventually she will).

Asking someone if they can allow sex to be part of the picture in the reasonably near future isn't pressure…it's honesty. I like it. Cut to the chase. Clear the air. Kinda like this:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdpAop7gp0w[/youtube]

If you don't like it, you move on, simple as that. It's nothing personal, we can still be friends, I won't avoid you on Facebook, we can still get together for coffee or beers, but it's time to move into the friendzone. You shed a little tear, and a day later you feel 10 tons lighter, the air smells a little sweeter, and the whole world feels like it's yours. It's not about pressure, and don't go around issuing ultimatums. You keep THAT much to yourself. But you definitely need to put a time limit on it (if she knows you're ticking down the days, then she IS going to feel pressured). You're just being upfront because you don't WANT to be a jerk, and you WILL be a jerk if you just keep dancing around the issue. Don't stay in a relationship that makes you miserable, and don't waste anyone's time, neither yours but especially not hers.

teafan, I think I shall detail.

I'm not Aspie , but I'm too shy , that I asked her to dating , and she reluctantly accepted means , she warned me from the beginning she was very introverted and could not reciprocate the feelings of others .

Below are the difficulties I faced :

sincerity
She just trust in who is also sincere. So do not try to fool her. ( This question for me was not a problem , since I am also sincere )
Sincerity brings you the benefit of having a girlfriend that does not fool you, but in return she will tell what she really thinks unable to consider the feelings of others. And man, it can hurt a lot more than swearing

communication
She hates using the phone , I was practically forced to communicate with her through an online game chat

introversion
Aside from university, she lived almost at home. ( ok , I do not go out much at home) She avoids personal interactions . I found it just the same when we went to the movies , but never in her house . I asked several times to visit her only briefly and she always said no.

The touch
Like I said , sex was not my goal , if I would have given up as soon as I realized this.

She had difficulty with touch, I noticed her discomfort by holding my hand , plus she also told me that she was nervous because she did not know what to do .

And to top it off, she confessed to me that loathes tongue kiss .


A relationship so difficult right? But man, I really loved it ( still love ) . I would keep trying , but as I said in the previous post , she did not .. She said she was tired of the relationship , mainly for the following reasons :

pressure
She said being pressured , never told the details , but I think it was because she felt obliged to reciprocate my love

Go Behind Her
She said she hates people living chasing her. I got scared because I just called out no more than once a week .

spontaneity
Because of my shyness , in this regard I actually got burned , I 'm honest, but not spontaneous. Despite reading a lot on this forum that would be sufficient to objective questions , I discovered that she hated it .
She called it my " Way Machine "

Finally , I do not want to discourage you face, this was my history, you certainly are different from me , and it might be different from my ex

But I repeat , you must both be interested in the relationship, otherwise it will be very frustrating . For example , if my ex was in love with me, maybe she did not I refused to visit her from time to time , which does not frustrate me and give me encouragement to continue.

Ah , responding objectively on the issue of sex ... I agree with what was said by other users , be honest with her , she has to know that if you two stay together soonyou will have sex, she who decides whether or not ... Oh, and if you're just wanting casual sex , please be explicit with her too , I was saddened to read a post that a aspie reported that the guy was only in the first meeting for sex and did not want to know it ..

Yes, Waterfalls I love her, but she told me she did not see us as a couple ...

Why don't you just be an "alpha male" like you described earlier and ask her why she acts the way she does?
It's not like you have anything to lose. If she doesn't like you, there's thousands of other fish in the sea.

Hi teafan,

First of all, have you asked her if she has Aspergers? It may be that she is diagnosed and doesn't know how to bring it up (believe me - "hey, guess what, I'm autistic" is a really hard conversation to have). Or maybe she isn't diagnosed, but you could gently say that she reminds you of someone you used to know, and has she looked into Aspergers? Don't mention that it was a previous girlfriend you are thinking of, or the problems it caused you. I can't stress enough how tactful you would need to be on this subject. Perhaps you could leave some information about Aspergers around, or lend her a book with a character with Aspergers and see if she recognizes herself in any of it. I for one wish that someone had pointed it out to me years ago, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she will feel the same.

The next thing is your assumption that Aspergers is going to cause problems with your sex life. I know some Aspie girls who love sex, and some who hate it. We are like all other women in that respect, in that we are all different. Maybe something in her past makes her jumpy, or maybe she is just inexperienced and nervous. Again, the key is communication. Find a nice relaxing time to sit down with her and talk to her about what you want, but don't in any way make it sound demanding or accusatory. Just "this is where I would like to see our relationship going - is that going to be ok with you?" If you are not aiming at the same place it's never going to work, but if you know you both want the same thing then it's just a case of taking the time she needs.

The regular moving is definitely something that I can relate to. Personally speaking, I found that I did well somewhere new to start with, and then I would start having problems, and it was much easier for me to run away to a new place with the potential to start again, than to deal with the mess. Again, that doesn't necessarily mean this is what has happened with your girlfriend, you would need to ask why she has moved a lot. There may be a perfectly valid reason.

Certainly a lot of Aspie girls prefer straightforward communication, but that just means that we are not always good on picking up on hints. So sit down, talk about what is important to you, and see if she is interested in working things out. It doesn't necessarily have to be with a therapist, it just has to be the two of you being open, honest and patient with each other.

I hope that helps. Just remember that any woman is the way she is because of a multitude of things. Even if your girlfriend is Aspie, that just gives you some very basic clues on things she may have issues with, or ways she may struggle to communicate, but that is all. The important thing to remember is that she is an individual, and the best person to explain what she wants and if that is going to work out for you in the long term, is her.

Good luck, I hope you manage to work things out.

If sex is an ordeal, or you need to jump through hoops for. Get out. Without sex the things that aspies do will start getting on your nerves. You will start looking to other women to fill that void.


Aspies would like for some one to understand them. It does not curtail you to kiss thier ass or be their care taker. That was my mistake.


Here is a plan for you and anyone that has an aspie as a significant other. Have time away from each other. So you the nt can take care of you. Refill your energy and regroup. If you want a week...you take a week weather he/she likes it or not. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Do not take any disrespect from an aspie, never. Condition or not. If you do...you have yourself a brat that you have to take care of and do everything for. Like a daughter.

Never use anger in retaliation. Logic logic logic. And if they still have demands and you still have to jump through a check list for affection. Shake hands and walk away.

<sarcasm>Just don't be surprised if the aspie won't call first and when she tells you "What? We didn't talk for 3 weeks? I didn't miss you at all..." once you met again. </sarcasm>

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." doesn't work for an aspie mind. She will be so busy with her special interest that she might not even realize you were gone. Of course, she might be happy having a boyfriend that gives her so much time for herself but this relationship won't be going anywhere, you will be the only one making an effort. Each meeting is going to be a change in the routine for her and while it might be enjoyable and pleasant she will also experience anxiety every time so she will feel being forced in the relationship.

The key to an aspie girl hearth is to become a part of her routine. Make a time she knows she is going to met you and stick to it. After a few weeks it will become a part of her weekly/daily routine and she will miss you if you skip the schedule and so she will start making effort to keep the routine herself.
Don't be discouraged if she says you piss her off at first and starts to avoid you. You are going to disturb her current routine after all so no surprise she is oppositive. It is going to work sooner or later. Just make sure you choose a time when she is doing something she can abandon. She is not going to drop her special interest time for you so don't even try suggesting it (my ex-boyfriend tried... ).

You are correct, she didn't change her routine. She needed to recharge herself. Being around people is exhausting. For her and for me.

For me I have to act a certain way around her. I cant be random or spontaneous around her. Make to much noise or laugh to loud or play a video game near her. Her senses gets over loaded and I have to conscious of that....all the time. Even a just kidding joke can spark a logistical battle.

No expectations. This is a great phrase to remember from all this.