Question about Meltdowns and Relationship Problems

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So here's my issue. Every time my partner tries to explain to me what her issue is, or a problem in our relationship, for the first part of it as she starts talking I can follow her just fine. But then this buzzing starts in my head and things get fuzzy and I just can't understand much anymore, especially if the problem concerns something I'm doing, or have done, my heart beats crazy fast and I just feel the need to run away. I had the thought that maybe I'm just being selfish and that I'm putting in no effort to understand or solve the problem but it feels like I'm being threatened and so I end up running away. This can be either disconnecting skype if we're in a skype call, or hanging up the phone. Then she tells me that if I run away or stop speaking I'm ignoring her. She also says that I use meltdowns and the like as an excuse for my behavior. She says I need to tell her if I need to walk away but by then I can't even say anything correctly. Also she'll talk to me mid meltdown and I just start yelling things at her that I end up regretting later. Is there anything I can do to avoid a meltdown when we are having a serious discussion about our problems?

Tell me, his companion is fully aware of how you feel when you have a meltdown? That everything you wrote above, she already knows?

I don't know why that's happening but I'm guessing it's because the relationship issues are overwhelming to hear all at once and sort out during a conversation. Maybe you could ask her to send these to you through text, like in an email or something, so you can look at it on your own in a calm environment and process it without so much pressure. Also, you won't have trouble hearing because it's just text, and if you need a break you'll be able to stop for a while and then go back to it. Maybe after you read it you can think about your responses/solutions, write them down, and send them back to her, so it'll all be done calmly.

A neurological dysfunction is not an excuse, it's a very real form of congenital brain damage. Telling you that you're just using it as an excuse is like dumping a paraplegic out of their wheelchair and dancing around them, taunting "Get up and walk, quit making excuses!"


She does not understand your condition and clearly has no interest in understanding it, but she will use it against you and is already using it to abuse you. It's her way or the highway and the highway is much quieter and more peaceful.

While I want to agree with you Willard, it's not fair that someone has to feel like they are being abused because I am having an issue I can't control. Even though I don't mean any of it, someone is still getting hurt because of me. That's the problem I'm stating here. And as for her, she's been having to accommodate the needs of other people all her life and yet nobody pays her any mind. She also has ADHD and things can get difficult for her too.

Let's put the aspergers aside here. Let's focus on the understanding between man and woman.

She is in need to express herself and you walking away on her when she needs to talk about something is causing her more distress. The fact that you have hard time handling emotions would suggest high sensitivity to emotions. But at the same time, I believe it's you as a man and your need to run away because her needing to express herself is a form of intimacy. Men generally go to their caves when they start feeling this fear of intimacy. Men naturally need to pull away and come back once they have dealt with this unknown feeling and then come back to the lady when you have dealt with your own issue.

And you may be denying her of the intimacy she is desiring from you as her boyfriend. Women want to talk about how they are feeling without any sort of advice being given. She may even want you to validate her feelings and just hug her and tell her things are alright. Give her a sign of reassurance. So if she asks you when you are melting down and you are becoming aware that you are melting down, say to her "I'll be back to take care of you. I need to do something first." When you have calmed down and you know you can handle her emotions in a rational way, do so. She needs your support as much as you need hers.

clachrymosa, is it possible to do have these conversations in writing? Or for her to record the things she needs to say so that you can listen to them privately and at your own pace, and without actually having her there waiting for an immediate response?

I've also been thinking about something to do with how I let my kid know I'm upset with her -- I read some advice called the 30-second rule. In other words, no ranting or long speeches at the kid, just let her know there's a problem and what it is, 30 seconds or less, and go cool off. Your gf may need to express herself at someone, maybe even at you...but she may also find that if she has the opportunity to do it in a recording, and vent that way, that she doesn't actually need to vent so much at you.

When it comes to the meltdowns, you'll need to become aware of whatever sort of "prodrome" you have -- extra anxiety, tension, whatever, any feeling that you're prone to this today -- and let her know about it *before* the meltdown happens. And when it's coming on you just need to get out of there. Just get away. Seeing a counselor or therapist together can help her to understand that this is *not* the time to hold you back or try to talk at you, and that this is indeed a function of AS. The counselor may also be able to help her identify and get what she needs.

the thing to remember is that for her it's enough that you listen; i.e. sit there, paying attention to the words coming our of her mouth and her body language. she does not actually want solutions (which your brain is working so hard on, trying to process and come up with a good bug-fix for her life situation) - she does not want that.

so you can relax, and just do the listening action

+1

Not sure if I had communicated this in my post or did it clear enough.