Rape mode

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I find the whole bdsm disgusting and it was invented to appease those with violent/forced/rape fantasies in a consent way, slight spanking doesn't count.

There is lots of real rape in the BDSM scene. The safe word is often ignored, and that's the moment it becomes rape. No, not everyone is like this, but there ARE real rapists involved in that scene. It's far more common than one would think. Also, because it's BDSM, it can be harder to prove there was an actual rape. :/

I will never for the life of me understand why people don't think to themselves that if they are turned on by forcing themselves on someone or by suffering of someone that obviously points out to a very messed up mentality and they should stay the heck away from other people. Before we all got civlised as f**k, we used to put down unsafe or feeble members of the tribe. We still do actually, some places still have death sentence and sometimes euthanasia is practiced legally when vegetative state is all that persists. Imagine if we had someone rounding up and putting down everyone who was into sado masochism, though, it would get rid of half the population, maybe? It always profoundly disturbs me when i see someone enjoying the suffering of others, not necessarily in a sexual context. I have experienced it by proxy and know it is like a drug addiction
the only way is to stop permanently forever and never ever let yourself slip once.

I have tried the hands tied to the bed thing couple of times as well as spanking, it made me feel abused/ like I was abusing someone which i suppose is the point but i didn't enjoy it. My partner at the time seemed scarily joyful about the prospect of me restrained and helpless. I didn't care for that at all.

Oh lol, that's ok. I figured you decided not to. I understand. Its not a big deal to me but I know it is to you so no worries.

as for surprise element, that is quite interesting. I hate surprises. Figures.

Whatever consenting adults get up to in their sex lives is entirely up to them. It takes a considerable effort of communication, trust and vulnerability to express what you may sexually desire. If you enjoy bdsm and engage in it consentingly then have fun go wild, have a blast! It is when the element of consent is removed from the dynamic, then it is damaging and can leave life long damaging issues for the victim. There is a huge difference in talking openly with people you trust about kinks you might like to explore, and calculating the most effective way of removing any possibility of consent by planning to rape someone.

I'm not quite sure why you've made this thread if you don't experience the issue anymore. You say that since you've had sex, the previous urges have ceased to occur. I'm sceptical of your claim and think that you've probably made this thread because you still have those urges and want some affirmation that it is indeed, not normal. That,. or you want negative attention for thoughts you have or have had in the past. If you were a genuine person, remorseful for their thoughts, you wouldn't be posting it here without a hint of shame. I think I agree with other posters in this thread in that you need to see someone regarding this issue. Especially worrying is the fact that you imply you only didn't rape on various occasions because of the risk of being caught.