why do NT people lie. or rather, HOW can they lie?

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I had an unfortunate situation recently where I was exploring polyamory with my boyfriend and met someone who had a mutual interest in setting up something with certain boundaries but basically meeting at certain poly community events and hooking up there only, so something very controlled/limited. Yay. win all around hopefully.

Turns out he was saying he was single and looking to create some community of poly people, when in fact he was cheating on his long-time girlfriend that he'd gotten back together with, and he was hiding info he should have provided, given that I was telling him accurately about my situation and that I wanted honesty.

I had to put this together myself from google searches and his reactions. But what shocks me is that he kept lying to me, even when I confronted him. What the hell? How can people pull this off?

I have such a hard time concealing information; I don't know how people can conceal information that big, and in my theory of mind, never expect that they are doing that.

This is another one of those times when I want to smack myself in the forehead and ask, why do I have to be Aspie, because I feel like this wouldn't have happened to a NT woman - they wouldn't have trusted a guy to tell the truth when sex was on the line, or would have trusted anything that didn't seem quite right, and not taken words so literally. I guess as an Aspie I figure if I ask people, are you committed to honesty, and they say yes, they mean it, or if they say they are single, then they are single.

Also I want to smack myself for continuing to talk and letting him try to explain himself after it was clear to me he was just shamelessly lying, - it would have made me look better if I simply cut off all communication and never talked again, and if I didn't halfway try to agree with his explanations when I personally knew they were wrong. I made it all botched and ended up seeming like I was bugging him trying to explain why the lying was such a problem (after he was ready to drop it and never talk to me again), when I could have walked away from it with my chin high if I'd just seen the evidence of the cheating and sent one message saying what I saw and not to contact me anymore. Jealous of NT women for having better boundaries.

Now this guy probably thinks of me as a crazy person who got too attached over something he saw as nothing and wanted closure, when I wish I could have acted in a way that made him look like a terrible cheating bastard that I'd completely rejected….

I just have a hard time rejecting people since like many Aspie people I know, I give people the benefit of the doubt and (why would this be an Aspie trait?) can understand why they might have done what they did. Maybe it's that connection is rare for us, or for people with trauma, and if you find connection you don't want to throw it away unless absolutely necessary/ if the communication completely breaks down or the person is beyond reaching with talking.

You will learn to assume that everyone on this planet is constantly lying, until you see incontrovertible evidence to the contrary. That's the world we live in. Trust No One.


I Want To Believe. But I'm not that stupid anymore.

Probably a good way to think of it.

My boyfriend and I are both Aspie and can't lie, so at least we can trust each other. He can't even let me think the wrong thing about very small details.

Don't be fooled. Predators and victims are everywhere. Some predators are more skilled than others, which makes them effective predators. There are many trusting people in this world who, after they get victimized by predators, become less trusting as a result. Some people take longer to learn how to weed predators out than others. On the flip side, becoming totally distrusting of everyone is never a good solution either. This is when it is a good idea to have a network of people to talk to in order to get some perspective. Remember that the better the predator, the more people that can be fooled.

These types of people target those who are innocent and vulnerable. I learned so many lessons the hard way, and each time tried to give the benefit of the doubt, but then swung the opposite direction and trusted nobody for a long time, becoming completely shut down. This also was unhealthy. It is not easy to find a good balance.

But good predators target Aspies and NTs alike. And there are many, many NTs who fall for talented predators. Don't beat yourself up over this ok?

Q How do NTs lie?

A Practice, practice, practice

This.

The kind of people who continuously lie to you even when you've got evidence smacking them in the face is the one of the main reasons why I trust no one. One of those kinds of people was my first girlfriend in college.

I was already the kind of person who had trouble trusting people and was a little paranoid/suspicious but I never acted upon it and just tried to ignore my gut feelings about things.
I had been cheated on by my first ever girlfriend in High school when I was 15, and screwed over by countless friends so that's how I got set up that way.

Then I went to college and got completely bum f****d by my then girlfriend at the time. She was batsh*** CRAZY. The whole thing made me highly suspicious and distrusting of everyone. I don't trust anyone until I get to know them extremely well or they give me a reason to somewhat trust them, but even then I only trust them 40%, and depending on their interactions with me and the evidence/proof I see of their character over time, the meter will go up or down.