Building Trust, Longdistance

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ritualdrama
Deinonychus
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25 Jan 2014, 3:22 pm

So I have started sort of "internet dating" (only way I can really describe it) this amazing man who is just like me. So, him being just like me means that he has lots of trust issues. I feel like I'm looking into a mirror, I never thought this sort of thing would happen to me. We talk/text everyday, he's coming to my town to visit me and he says he's not going to want to leave. He lives in a town close to mine and is mutual friends with some people that I know. We have more incommon than I have ever had incommon with another human.

But he keeps assuming that I'm a piece of s**t like most of the people who inhabit the earth. It's sad to me that people f*****g eachother over is so "run-of-the-mill". I'm not like other people, I just wish that he would trust me. He seems too good to be true and I am afraid that he is going to be offended by me not doing or saying something right.

Last night I made a reference to the name Morpheus (king of dreams). Instead of saying I was falling asleep I said that "Morpheus is going to take me". I had also said something comparing us to Neo and Trinity. He assumed that I was going after someone else in my dreams when I said that and he got upset. Told me that it hurt him I was going after someone else in my dreams. I felt like he was going to stop talking to me. A couple of things have happened like this. I was saying how good looking he is and then he out of nowhere said that he didn't know if I thought he was goodlooking or not and he made it seem like I never complimented his appearance. Which was crazy to me because he's the most gorgeous man I have ever laid eyes upon, but he was making it seem like I never said anything. When I had been saying lots of things.

All of this just gives me horrible anxiety but I'm sure it's probably because we haven't gotten to hang out together yet and get to know eachother face to face.

Does anyone have any advice? I mean I don't like having to think about everything I'm going to say instead of just saying what I want. I don't know what to say sometimes. I'm worried I will f**k this up like I do everything else, but will it really be me f*****g up? Or will it just be his insecurity getting the best of him?



MadeUnderground
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25 Jan 2014, 4:04 pm

I don't think two people with major trust issues could last unless they work on it immediately.

I think it also depends on how the trust issues manifest themselves.

I have trust issue too, but I TRY to believe what people say, especially in relationships. It's like, I try to believe the good in people but I've been screwed over so many times it's just hard to not be paranoid and suspicious.

I dunno how it will work out with you guys, but you're having those sort of issues and you two haven't even met yet, well.. eh. I don't know. Like I said, it depends on if he starts working on his ability to trust.

Also the comment about him being upset about you not complimenting his looks and him getting upset over the Morpheus comment - That seems more like major insecurity and jealousy issues to me.

Let's just pretend that you really did mean you wanted Morpheus to take you, well, it's not that big of a deal because people have celebrities or you know, fictional TV characters they have crushes on and will make comments like that. It's normal. It doesn't mean that the person making the comment about the fictional character likes them any more than their real romantic interest or actually wants that fictional character to have sex with them. I think he overreacted and is just extremely sensitive and insecure. Not on top of that, that wasn't even what you meant makes it worse.

Hopefully you two can meet up and start trying to work on building trust. But like I said, he seems to have insecurity issues, and until the insecurity thing is addressed it isn't exactly easy to build trust with someone who is going to be overly paranoid/suspicious/upset because you don't compliment them on their looks (or even worse, according to you you have complimented him on his looks but he's forgotten it or chose to ignore it), or make comments about fictional characters on a movie.
Insecurity breeds jealousy and distrust. And even just one of those three things is toxic to a relationship.



Sherry221B
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25 Jan 2014, 4:16 pm

Someone like you, you say? Is that even possible? It seems like he misinterpreted the Morpheus thing and that's why he got upset. I suppose you already explained him that....I'm a girl, but I relate to the trust issues thing. Maybe he's worried that you might hurt him or something like that? Maybe it's hard for him to accept you're compliments are sincere? I don't know... If a guy told me I'm too good to be true like that too, and all that stuff, I'd be somewhat skeptical about it; people have always treated me so bad.... That if someone appeared and treated me genuinely well and with respect, and say such good things to me, it'd be really hard to believe all that beig true. I'd wonder if it may be a trap or something like that.....Henrik Ibsen said: " A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed" So, just keep talking with him online, until you meet him, and then, show him you're worth of his trust through actions, and he should do the same. I hope this was helpful.



Moviesftw4
Tufted Titmouse
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17 Feb 2014, 1:18 pm

I have some experience with long-distance dating and let me tell you, it can be depressing and exhausting. The distance is a real pain in the rear and sometimes you over-think that the person is going to cheat on you, because if they did you'd never find out since you don't live near eachother.


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