Page 1 of 2 [ 16 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

DarkHorse
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 4

25 Feb 2014, 11:07 pm

Hi, I've never posted here before, but I've been really worried.

A few months ago, I started a relationship with a man with Asperger's. We're both in our early twenties. My father had Asperger's, and he was very controlling and abusive to the point of physical violence, but I didn't let that deter me, because I know not all people are the same. I always knew my boyfriend had Asperger's, from the moment I met him, but I never saw it as a potential problem, and so I let things happen.

At the beginning, we were enormously happy. I'd never felt such an intense connection with anyone. We fell in love very quickly. But he was always very insecure, and as such, started pushing for commitment very early on- to the point where it wasn't even a month in and he wanted me to commit to marriage (also to no children, which is something I could never agree to, having always wanted them.) I tried to talk about how this made me feel, but he turned the guilt on me until I didn't dare talk about it anymore. Whenever I felt upset, he made me feel guilty, and started talking about how unworthy he felt. I didn't want him to be hurting, so I'd comfort him, but I'd still be hurting inside. Eventually I felt I couldn't talk about any problem in the relationship anymore, and tried to take the weight of them on my shoulders and sort them out myself, which never worked, and I didn't feel strong enough.

He also began to show controlling behaviour in that he needed to be in constant contact, and was always checking up on me to see if I was where I said I was. He began to try and limit the time I spent with my family, to the point where it drove a wedge between me and my mother, whom I have always been close with, because I was spending more time with him than other people who also needed me, but at the same time, he still felt I was prizing my family over him, and that they were trying his patience. He also had some other issues involving his physical health, which I tried to cater for- I even researched what sort of things might alleviate his symptoms and make him feel better- not because I wanted to change him or anything, but because I could see he was suffering being in certain places with me and I wanted to do my best to see him comfortable and feeling good. It never worked. He wouldn't go along with it, and I felt there were less and less places we could go and less things we could do in comfort.

I began to feel that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. I know he'd always been insecure and felt that he was unloved, but I thought if I could show him he was loved, that I loved him and cared for him, he'd feel better about himself. He didn't. He turned his insecurity on me and put pressure for all the happiness in his life to come from me, rather than finding any for himself. That was a huge thing for me to have to carry, as well as the other stresses I already had in my life.

Now I don't believe for a second any of this was intentional. I don't think he realised. But it went that way all the same. I began to feel like a shell of the person I once was, and completely isolated and trying to cope with everything alone.

He also used to talk about the fact that he'd feel lost without me, that he really needed me, even though I felt he was never interested in anything I did or anything about me other than how I looked. But I got to a stage where I was so stressed, trying to hold it together, that I got physically sick and ended up in hospital because my immune system had been so worn down. And I knew I couldn't cope anymore.

I broke it off. It devastated him. I was upset too, as I still loved him dearly and had been hoping we could have held on, but he took it worse. I tried to arrange for friends to be around him when it happened, so he'd have someone to talk to about it and still feel he had support.

We started talking again a few days ago, and I tried to explain how I'd felt and why I had to break it off. We tried to sort out being able to stay friends, and are endeavouring to do so. But he keeps saying he wants me to consider giving it another try. He even said he'd try to engage more with me and my life, and my family, to let me have kids and let me have more space to do what I wanted and needed to in life. He wrote me a list, and promised to put the work in to make me feel more appreciated.

I believe he means it. But would it actually, realistically, be possible? I still love him, and I would love to believe that if we had another shot, things would run a bit smoother. But I've read so many articles, blogs and posts saying that these sorts of changes aren't possible. And even if he managed for a little while, I feel it would put strain on him and stress him out. I feel it would go back to exactly how it was, and fall apart again. I don't know if I could stand to stay in that sort of relationship again- it damaged me so much the first time, and leaving was so hard. To go through that once was bad enough. To go through that twice would destroy both of us- and I would be especially worried about the damage it would do to him. He's not resilient after pain. It takes him a long time. I don't want to go back to him to try and ease the pain, then feel forced to leave again and really, really hurt him a second time. I couldn't do that to him. I love him too much and I hate seeing him hurt.

I'm asking anyone out there in a long-term, stable Asperger's-NT relationship, can what he's suggesting actually work? Is it possible to work through making changes to our relationship together and setting new boundaries, and following through with it? Would it be too hard on him? Would he be able to do it? Could he learn to change, not himself (I wouldn't want that), but the way he handles the relationship and my needs as well as his? Or would it be doomed to end up the way it did the first time?

Am I better off staying his friend and not putting either of us through that again? (Also, should I even try to stay friends? He keeps saying that he'll always wait for me, and I feel if I let him wait, and can't go through with it, he'll never move on. Is it possible to stay friends, as long as I let him know for certain that's all we'll ever be, so he doesn't get false hope? Could we learn in time to have a fulfilling friendship?)



JSBACHlover
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2013
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,282

25 Feb 2014, 11:43 pm

It sounds like your friend's anxiety kicked into high gear, because he became afraid that he would lose you. And, of course, he lost you. Self-fulfilling prophesies such as his are common to those of us with Asperger's.

In his mind (and I know how we Aspies think) as of right now he cannot mentally picture a relationship with you that isn't at least what it was before. This is still not a reason yet to abandon him but only in the following sense: if you wish to try being his friend (not girlfriend), you will 1) need to explain every time you are with him the current status of the relationship, and 2) ask him and encourage him to talk to a professional about his anxieties. This second point is necessary if he is to change his thinking and behavior. Because, if he does not change his emotional landscape, not only will you have to drop him from your life entirely, he will continue to react the same way to every woman in his life, again and again, if or until he learns for himself.

It will be challenging for him to change, because Aspies fear any sort of change. But, logically, change is necessary for his happiness; if his mind is stronger than his emotions, he will do the right thing and endure the pain to get better.

There is no middle ground here. Aspies are black and white thinkers. We have big hearts full of color, but we often imprison ourselves. I hope you can help your friend. Maybe you can even print out my response to your question and give it to him - that's your call.

On last thing: I used to be like your friend. But through many mistakes and finally a desire to stop being miserable, I did in fact change my own thinking. I did it by asking my friends and my family for help, for honest feedback; I stopped hiding my thinking patterns in my mind and began to share them with my family and friends; I even went to a therapist. In time, I got better. I went from zero friends to too many to count. I went from being a mess to having a job that I love. I would want that for your friend as well.

Good luck!



DarkHorse
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 4

26 Feb 2014, 12:19 am

Thank you so much for all that. Really helped me see things a bit more clearly. Very helpful. Thank you.



Waterfalls
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,087

26 Feb 2014, 3:43 am

Do you perhaps need a break from each other? Reading your post it seemed like both of you are in pain but both are struggling with how to be yourself and bring the other person into your world.

You wrote he would let you have children. And that having children is important to you. I think you may stay sad if he lets you be you rather than wanting and encouraging you to be you and looking to help you be you.

I think people tend to stay true to themselves and that change is very possible, but the direction is hard to predict. Perhaps the two of you could develop a positive and healthy relationship, but a mutual understanding of how to relate around one another's needs isn't quite there now. So, in addition to JSBachlovers suggestion about his seeing a professional, if you were to want to try to get back together, seeing a counselor together might be useful.

And I would try to shift if you can from seeing him as limited by AS, not because you're wrong, but because having a positive expectation you are consistently clear about for how you want things to go is an important boundary that helps both if you know where you stand---especially because you want children. Be clear, be confident who you are and that you are entitled to be yourself. And so is he. And neither of you will be happy if you have to sacrifice yourself too much to be together.

Working out boundaries that would allow you to be together will be challenging, if it is possible. As hard as it is, if it can't start now, you have to be willing to walk away. Because if you aren't it won't be possible IMO to build something strong and good.



AngelRho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,947
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

26 Feb 2014, 7:43 am

JSBACHlover has made some EXCELLENT points. Yes, we ARE able to change. However, my own thoughts are somewhat divergent here…

This sounds right away like a VERY toxic relationship. You said he wasn't interested in letting you have children until AFTER you broke it off with him? That, to me, is frightening. That tells me he'll do/say anything to keep you, and I'm not sure just how far you should be willing to trust this guy.

Now, I will admit that in my own family I DO take a firm leadership role and I HAVE told my wife she couldn't hang out with certain men or even certain girl friends, and I had good reasons for saying those things (one guy was trying to get my wife in bed…ok, so I'm seriously supposed to be fine with that? REALLY??? Certain friends of hers got her in what I felt was a compromising situation, not to mention they repeatedly badmouthed me in front of her and encouraged her to do the same. I have issues enough as it is, PLEASE don't make things worse for me by insulting me every chance you get. I encourage my family to stand up for themselves and for each other…we are all we have, and I will NOT stand idly by and allow some idiot(s) tear us apart). But we are also a married couple in this thing for life. We made certain promises to each other that we insist on holding each other to. Maintaining the integrity of our little family is important above all other things.

The key here is while we were dating, we talked about these kinds of things. How you set up your relationship with someone else is entirely up to you.

I was watching one of my favorite old movies the other day…"High Plains Drifter" (it's a Clint Eastwood western). One of the townspeople asked the Stranger what they were supposed to do after, when it was all over. He replies, "You live with it." When it comes to getting into a relationship that goes long-term, that's exactly how it ends. You have to live with it. And if you know anything about revisionist Western films, you know they don't really have happy endings, even after people get what they want.

What YOU have to do is decide exactly what it is you can live with. If he's just saying he wants kids just to hang on to a relationship with you, you're going to find out too late when you do get married and he absolutely refuses to let you have children. You'll end up cheating on this guy just to get pregnant, and I don't really think that's going to make you happy either. You might as well find a guy who IS interested in kids being part of the family picture.

I'm afforded a wide berth of control in my household. But I only wield the power I have because my wife allows me to and happens to believe that I SHOULD have that kind of authority. If you want a guy who can and will take the reigns in your relationship, you better make sure that the guy is going to take your life together in the direction YOU always wanted it to go. Otherwise, you're better off on your own.

Maybe a second chance COULD work, but you should be feeling gun-shy with this guy right now. I don't think you need to be friends or even remote acquaintances right now. You need a good, clean BREAK. He can't sway you if he has no contact with you. I think after you've stopped talking for a good year, give or take some, you might be able to resume a normal, genuine friendship. But I just don't see how this could be a good relationship for you.

As an aspie, I can somewhat sympathize with the guy here, btw. But there's a lot more at stake than having regard for an aspie's feelings. It's about two people having a good life together. If you're unhappy NOW, imagine how you're going to feel in 5 years, 10 years, 25 years… My wife used to date this guy who, in terms of being controlling, made me look like the Good Witch Glenda. She had to call and report her whereabouts at certain time intervals, had to be at his apartment by exactly a certain time if she didn't HAVE to be anywhere else, HAD to give him sex on demand, and if she so much as looked at another guy he'd totally lose it. Heck, he'd totally lose it if another guy so much as looked at HER, and then it was like it was HER fault. She stayed with him because she was scared of him. It was only when I and some of her friends got together and kept her completely isolated from this guy, like what he tried to do with her, that she was able to get away from him and learn to think for herself again. And this guy would say ANYTHING to get her back. It wasn't the first time she tried to leave him, and we were scared what would happen to her if we let her go back again.

Your situation is obviously different, so don't think I'm trying to project my own experience onto yours. I'm just getting a terribly BAD vibe here and don't want you making a decision that's going to hurt you in the long run. I just don't see how this can turn out well, even if you just stay friends.

Just a couple of things you said I wanted to point out:

DarkHorse wrote:
He also used to talk about the fact that he'd feel lost without me, that he really needed me, even though I felt he was never interested in anything I did or anything about me other than how I looked.

This smells STRONGLY of codependence. I've been in a relationship like this before. And it's part of the reason I feel the need to stay in control of the relationships I've been in since. And by "control," all I mean is staying aware of everything that is going on in it and working to maintain the integrity of it. I'm not a very good manipulator, never have been, and don't even try. I'm very up front and honest about how I feel. I'd start a discussion on something that worries me by saying, "This is how I feel/what I want/what I expect. Tell me NOW if you're going to have an issue with this, because if you don't, I'm afraid I'm going to do something that will hurt you--and I DON'T want to do anything that would be hurtful. We can work something out, but you have to TELL me. Don't make me try to figure it out."

It took me a long time and several relationships to figure that out, but I reached a point when I had to be ok with a woman's happiness NOT depending on or including me. I had very strong feelings like you described with one of my earliest relationships, and the sad thing was she had the exact same feelings for me. I ended up feeling that nothing I ever did was good enough. I ended up feeling guilty about everything I ever did, and it was especially bad that it got to the point that she'd be horribly offended (and let me know) any time I had plans that either did not or could not include her. I should have broken up with her in high school…the relationship stretched on into our college years, and I finally got sick of every ill in the world ultimately somehow being MY fault.

What I concluded from all this was that my happiness could not depend on a woman, nor could the happiness of a woman I formed a relationship with depend on me. If we are to be a happy couple, we both have to be happy people to begin with. All it takes is just ONE person to be an unhappy person to make a LTR a living hell.

All that to say this: If this guy would be lost without you, you need to get out. THAT is why you were so stressed. If you ended up in the hospital over it, that makes getting away from this guy all the more urgent.

DarkHorse wrote:
I believe he means it. But would it actually, realistically, be possible? I still love him, and I would love to believe that if we had another shot, things would run a bit smoother. But I've read so many articles, blogs and posts saying that these sorts of changes aren't possible.

Well, LOGICALLY it's POSSIBLE. Actual practice is a whole other issue.

Generally speaking, NO, these changes aren't practically possible. Here's why: You are who you are. He is who he is. And unless you want to change yourself, or he himself, you're not going to change. I worked every day for some six years to change myself for someone. Didn't happen. And ultimately I had to face the fact that the reason I was failing so terribly as a person was because, if I was being honest, deep down I didn't really WANT to change. And I couldn't reasonably expect my gf to change; obviously since everything was always MY fault, she didn't see anything wrong with herself. So I knew better than to ask her to change. We'd been together for a LOOOOONG time, so breaking up was difficult. Breaking up also challenged everything I believed about relationships, not to mention I'd grown to feel I depended on her for my every last breath. And I really did still love her. But the bottom line was no matter how much love was there, the relationship just flat wasn't working. She was genuinely shocked, as bad as things had been, that I broke up with her. She even did some things she'd never even consider before to get me back, like having one-night-stands with at least one other guy I know about, possibly more, either because she thought I'd get jealous or it would make me hot. Which, to a degree, was true, but then again I wasn't about to forget the last 6 years so easily.

And I was finally free to be who I wanted to be, and she was free to be who she wanted to be. And me being me meant looking for a relationship in which nobody was going to give me grief about my interests or quirks. I finally met a NT girl who was OK with that. Someone whose happiness didn't rest squarely on my shoulders. Who didn't feel the need to change for me nor expected me to change for her. And any changes that we WOULD make together would be changes we'd be WILLING to make, and most of the changes we actually made were really just consequential to how we've grown together through the years, having children and watching them grow, and that sort of thing. Sure, we've grown to heavily depend on each other, but that's only because we've come to know that there are things we're a part of that are bigger than just the two of us. Our children are very important to us, for instance, and we'd both lose in so many ways it would be catastrophic if we split. So, no, we aren't interested in giving up everything we ever wanted, and we have no reason to split anyway.

Again, I'm not trying to project my experience onto yours, I'm just letting you know where I've been. It's ok to love this guy. But what I'm saying is love on its own just isn't going to be enough. You're having to keep up with changes you find uncomfortable, and now he feels he has to make uncomfortable changes just to keep you. And you don't seem like the kind of person who wants to be manipulated, and you're giving me a lot of manipulative language in your posts here. And all that says to me that this is a highly toxic relationship. MAYBE things could change, but I really do think you'd do both of yourselves more favors by giving it a good, solid, clean break.



Waterfalls
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,087

26 Feb 2014, 8:46 am

So reading the last response helped me figure out what I wanted to say to you. You sound like a very decent person. I may be projecting my own experience too much, but I think that given you want to have children, you want them to feel truly loved. And probably he would want that too as I doubt you would be with him if he were not also a decent good person.

So I think it is very worrying that he would "let" you have children.

Children deserve and they need to feel truly loved and wanted. Not tolerated or not even that. And I would be uncomfortable going into this without his showing at least some interest in being fully committed to the children we might have, that for you are nonnegotiable. Not just his being willing to allow.



AngelRho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,947
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

26 Feb 2014, 10:21 am

^^^99.98% agree here.

I was a little bit more honest with my wife when it came to discussing children. And by honest, I mean blunt. I never "wanted" children. I was scared to death of them. I just felt like it was something we're all just supposed to do, and I knew my wife wanted children, so I resigned myself to being ok with that and figuring it out as we went.

I didn't really "want" children per se, I just didn't necessarily object to children, either. I just learned to think differently about children after we had them, and now I don't know what I'd do without my kids. One time we were talking about taking a weekend just the two of us without the kids, and the topic of our honeymoon came up and possibly repeating that. I actually asked my wife what we did with our kids that week!! !

My oldest kids are old enough I don't really have to treat them like kids anymore unless I just want to. I make them play piano while I work on my personal projects, and they do this independently without me breathing down their necks about it. My youngest is even pretty easy to take care of.

Speaking of having kids--the first one was done on purpose. The second one happened after we ran out of condoms. I have no explanation for the third, but the tests all say he's mine (j/k…condom broke…ugh). So it isn't impossible for kids to grow on you even if you don't want kids.

But on the other hand, things don't seem to be as difficult for me as it might be for some aspie guys. And there's no guarantee that your guy is going to respond the same way I did. I don't know if it makes any difference, but I can't relate easily to kids that aren't mine--and I've worked with small children before (I used to teach piano lessons at an elementary school, and one or two were emotionally/mentally disturbed kids who needed a mentor more than a piano teacher). Your safest bet is being with a guy who has a much better track record than I do for expressing a desire for children. If the problem is your man is just afraid of kids like I was/am, he can come to understand that can be worked through. I do it by including my kids in EVERYTHING I do, which right now means they have to learn music and be better at it than I am. If your kids are a part of your special interest or work, then they are more like collaborators or "co-conspirators." They always want to be "just like daddy" or "just like mommy," so rather than smile and say "aw, how sweet!" I actually empower them to do that. Small children are so forgiving, which makes them a lot more relatable. That alone has made having children an enrichment of my life rather than a hardship that I have to somehow learn to "deal with."

What you have to decide for yourself is whether that is a gamble you can afford to take. Will having children anyway work its magic on your mate, or will you just end up as a single parent with your husband merely sharing a room with you? I wouldn't have married me, and I'm convinced that it's by the grace of God someone did. And several times while she was pregnant and afterwards, I would thank my wife for carrying my beautiful babies. That anyone would want to have my babies is a miracle in and of itself.



aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,380
Location: Canada

26 Feb 2014, 1:46 pm

I won't give a detailed answer like the rest of the answers you have here. I feel everyone else has done a good job covering points I would have liked to have covered.

The one thing I will say is this: I'm not a big believer in second chances, and granted that, i have never been married nor have had kids so I don't know how that would apply to that belief. I find that women and their interest level is the deciding factor in how long the relationship lasts. As soon as their interest in me is gone or down to a certain point, it will be impossible to get it back to where it was. I will have no choice but to let them go at this point.

If I stick around, I will feel like a loser fighting for something that is gone and not coming back. Sadly enough, the girl will continue talking to me, but sure won't hesitate to tell me about how they are enjoying their life elsewhere with other people and have found a great new guy to date. Even if they say something about "I don't enjoy my life compared to with you" I'll take that as her having feelings of nostalgia, not feelings of regret. You know full well a women will never leave their man unless she truly has no interest left for him.

I'm not a believer that women regret their decisions either. I believe they know full well what they want and how to get it.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


JSBACHlover
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2013
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,282

26 Feb 2014, 4:15 pm

I'm a believer in second chances only if the other person shows signs of a willingness to change, and shows signs of changing. Otherwise, I'm the king of severing people from my life. I've 86ed a good number of so-called "friends" out of my life once I realized they were toxic, and I have no regrets.



Waterfalls
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,087

26 Feb 2014, 4:36 pm

DarkHorse from my experience, he has to be good for you, or he will know it. If that happens, you will both be in pain, and you won't be good for him either.



DarkHorse
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 4

26 Feb 2014, 5:46 pm

Thank you so much everyone for all your answers and all your help. It's all given me a lot of insight and a lot to think about.
The only problem I now have is that we're members of the same church group, with the same friends and a commitment contract we signed to this community, which means we have to at least tolerate each other for the sake of the rest of the community, which is why I had wanted to stay friends, even though I think a break would be better. How do I ensure that, in this situation, there are boundaries?



aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,380
Location: Canada

26 Feb 2014, 6:24 pm

DarkHorse wrote:
Thank you so much everyone for all your answers and all your help. It's all given me a lot of insight and a lot to think about.
The only problem I now have is that we're members of the same church group, with the same friends and a commitment contract we signed to this community, which means we have to at least tolerate each other for the sake of the rest of the community, which is why I had wanted to stay friends, even though I think a break would be better. How do I ensure that, in this situation, there are boundaries?


Nice to hear the Church thing. Well, as a Christian here, I would say remember your relationship with God and don't forget about prayer. Prayer to the Lord and confess all your thoughts and feelings to him first before saying anything to anyone else. That is one thing we all have to remember before opening our mouth and speaking to anyone else. Hopefully he will remember this on his own.
The boundaries would be something you might have to figure out on your own as I would have no good advice to give you on that one


_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


Marcia
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,218

26 Feb 2014, 7:02 pm

I haven't read all of the very detailed responses you've received, but I have read your first and last posts.

You know yourself that the relationship was an unhealthy one, and for you to end up in hospital is a sign of the very severe stress you were under trying to maintain the relationship. Your first post, after the first few lines about the relationship itself was loaded with red flags for this being an abusive relationship. You say that you don't believe that was his intention, and I understand that. I took the decision to end my marriage because of my husband's abusive and bullying behaviour. He didn't see his behaviour in that way at all, and I do believe that his interpretation of his words and actions was very much different to mine, and society's in general. However, why he behaved like that was irrelevant. I was, like you, made physically ill by his conduct towards me, and I also became isolated from friends and family.

You, of course, make your own decisions, but I have to say I think you were right to break off the relationship, and from what you have said about his promises to change, I think they are, on his part, wishful thinking at best, and possibly emotional manipulation. The idea that he would "let you" have children is really bizarre and actually another sign of his need to control you.

As for the church group, that will likely be difficult, especially as he doesn't want to accept that the relationship is over. Is there a pastor or group leader that you can confide in? It will be much harder to maintain boundaries in a group setting if others also push against the boundaries you decide to set. If possible, it would be better to minimise contact - by attending other house groups or whatever you have. If that's not possible, then if he gets personal or makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, have a few stock phrases to keep the focus on what you are doing as part of the church group. This is where it would be very helpful to have at least a few people around you to keep an eye on what's happening, and gently divert him away from you.

If you google "Captain Awkward" you'll find an excellent on-line problem page, with loads of good advice on situations not exactly like yours, but broadly similar in terms of dealing with difficult situations and people and setting and maintaining clear boundaries. It would be well worth you having a browse there.

I wish you well and will pray for you and him.



Waterfalls
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,087

26 Feb 2014, 7:49 pm

I would be very pleasant and keep others around whenever possible.



AngelRho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,947
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

26 Feb 2014, 10:27 pm

I'm a Christian as well, and I'll echo the sentiment others have expressed and keep you in my prayers as well.

I'm confused about something though…what do you mean by "commitment contract"?

A good contract is designed to help honest people relate to each other. A good rule of thumb is to never make a contract that cannot be broken. In other words, contractual terms will usually express how to deal with a situation in which things don't work out as expected. Depending on what you're committing to, you might want to see if there's something else you can do in order to get out of something that might potentially cause you harm since it involves keeping you and this other guy in contact.

You two still being this close, especially when a church community is involved, makes me really nervous.

And don't get me wrong--I and my family practically LIVE at church and are there every time the doors are open. But church is there to support you, and when a "contract" of sorts is doing you more harm than good, you may want to rethink what you can reasonably commit to.

Remember Jephthah's oath. Jesus warned against making questionable promises. Biblical tradition has always allowed people to forgive oaths when situations, perhaps unexpected, prevented those who made them from fulfilling them. Husbands could cancel wives' oaths at any time. I don't know what your "commitment contract" is all about, but surely someone over there is understanding enough to see that holding you to that MIGHT be harmful to you.