Miserable, depressed, crying.

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First date in a year roughly, Spend 40$ can't even get a second date?

I feel miserable and upset. 40$ potential anything gone.
It hurts I'm sad and I don't wanna be in my home.
I'd rather be in a mental health unit finding differentiating personality types.
I'm so sad, these tears really sting, my throat is drying up.
I feel like I'm going to die without romance.
Just so empty. Feeling awful. Just want some girl to call on the phone talk to anything.
Nothing. That's it. I just want death. I want this to stop hurting.

Take it from someone who was depressed for most of their life: You can never find happiness with someone else if you are miserable with just yourself. Only if you can learn to love yourself can you ever be at peace or be able to find happiness. This was a lesson that took me a long time to learn. You are whole the way you are, and another person cannot fix your brokenness (it can make it worse, even, since everyone has problems and being in a relationship means you need to help the other person with their burdens which can be very hard).

I also think people can sense if someone is very unhappy with themselves, and that makes them afraid. People get intimidated if they feel a person wants to put all the responsibility for their happiness onto them. Such a burden is very difficult to bear, let me tell you, as someone who has been married almost a decade and has had many struggles with exactly that.

I know it is very hard to be alone, sometimes. But you should go out and experience new things, do things you enjoy, be alive, and grow. That is also the best way to discover someone who you can be with. Side effect will be it will make you a more developed and stronger person, as well.

When I learned to accept and love myself, and wasn't afraid to be alone and allowed myself to just BE ME without anyone else needing to be around, that's when I found peace and the strength to love and be loved. It took me a while, though, and I think for everyone the path is different.

Sad for you, you are hurting and it sucks. Disappointment is one of those heavy feelings that's for sure.

Underneath your upset about this date not working out is there a bigger problem for you of feeling socially isolated? Have you got any meaningful social links/friendship/support? If not, maybe Meet Up might be an option for you when you are feeling stronger again? I'm not suggesting you give up on the hope of romance, nearly everyone hopes to love and be loved. What I am suggesting is build a support base for yourself, so that when you get hit with the slings and arrows of the downside of romance, you can debrief with friends, share support - talking to someone who really "gets us" is often the best way to get through these disappointments. And if you are isolated there is no-one to debrief with. Be kind to yourself, while you process this. Feel the anger but set a time limit and then let it go. Otherwise it becames like a bag of stones on your back. I hope the next date goes a whole lot better for you when it happens.

Uh, I've got a story to top that one and hopefully it will give you some perspective and maybe even cheer you up a bit.

Just got back from a trip across the country to meet a girl I met on twitter. We had like one skype video call and some chats and I was on my way. The flight itself cost me $1000 (money I can't afford to burn)/ I was supposed to stay for 2 weeks before she kicked me out after four days. Absolutely horrific. I can't even bring myself to calculate how much the whole trip cost me and all FOR NOTHING. I've been on suicide watch ever since.

The first day was fine and we were cool and happy and intimate. It started to slide quickly after that for many reasons. Some hers. some mine but what made it one of the worst experiences of my life was the last night when she kicked me out of her place because I got too drunk and started acting slightly psycho and scared her. She actually FEARED me. I was horrified and did not resist her kicking me out. But it sent me into a drunken, suicidal tailspin that had me text her like 50 threats of tearful suicide. She eventually called 911 and the cops found me at the airport where I had somehow taken a taxi to. They found me by the GPS on my f*****g phone, They were cool though but wanted to take me to the hospital. I convinced them I was fine and they let me go...they did their jobs. I ended up staying at the airport all night getting drunk at a bar and eventually made my way to a hotel. After paying $325 to change my f*****g flight, I made it back home where I really didn't even want to be. So f*****g depressing. I spent half an hour in some random frozen parking lot crying my ass off and just hating myself.

I've been in a state of suicide and utter hopelessness since but I'm coming out of it and I learned some lessons like drinking definitely exacerbates my issues (BPD). Anyway, this s**t happens and you just gotta taste the pain and move on as fast as you can. The whole thing was so f****d up that I can't even think about it or I dont trust what I will do. Forgive yourself.

First dates don't come with obligations. Just be happy it only cost 40 bucks.

I second BlueBean's advice. Romantic relationships are challenging. Do not assume that they will make you happy and/or "complete". To be in a healthy relationship, you should first learn to love yourself and learn to be happy without being in a romantic relationship.

As a practical matter, coffee and/or happy hour at a bar are decent, relatively inexpensive first dates.