Susceptibility to Domestic Abuse

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AngelRho
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03 Mar 2014, 10:17 am

BirdInFlight wrote:
I have to disagree with AngelRho, for many reasons further down my post. (Sorry it's a long one, but I had a few points to make. )

AngelRho wrote:
It seems to me that women who end up in abusive relationships develop a bizarre sort of addiction to it. I don't know if it's some kind of endorphin/dopamine rush or what, but there is definitely some kind of either depressive or stimulative effect when engaged in some form of mental or physical assault. I don't for one second believe that women CONSCIOUSLY want to be mentally abused or beaten, but I think there is some underlying craving for it that gives you SOME predisposition towards getting into those kinds of situations.


AngelRho, while there may exist a woman or women who get some kind of addictive rush from the abuse, in my humble opinion I believe you are in general way off-base in this speculation.

I very well could be, and I can accept that. And I don't mean to suggest this to be the case for ALL abused women. But I have known quite a few women who tended to go right back to bad relationships, whether they went back to someone they left or if they jumped right out of one bad relationship into another one or worse. In those cases, they really did crave the drama.

I also suspect that a former love interest of mine tried to draw me into something like that, and by that I mean while she wouldn't openly admit it, she possibly got off on the idea of a man being rough with her. I'm just not the kind of guy to treat a woman that way, and she'd pick on me to the point I'd just lose it and start yelling at her; after that, she'd get all wounded and weepy about how I act just like her dad and I frighten her. And, I mean, things had to get really BAD for me to lose my temper, and I finally just got sick of all the manipulation. What's hard is being in a situation in which EVERYTHING is always YOUR fault, and when you start to believe it isn't, the other person pushes you to the point of insanity--now it IS your fault for yelling at someone, and you can't come back from that. There is a certain level of passive aggressiveness I just can NOT handle, but it's also emotionally difficult to get out of those relationships; combined with codependence compounded by the relationship stretching into several years, it felt impossible. But I managed to get out of it, and it took a good 6 months or more after that before she finally accepted that we were over and left me alone.

No, not ALL women are like that, and those who are aren't always pure EVIL like that. But I did start to suspect some kind of Electra complex, which I could more or less confirm when I saw who she hooked up with not long after she finally got over me--a guy who looked EXACTLY like her dad, and the last time we spent any time alone (I gave her a ride somewhere), she showed me this bruise her bf gave her. She said it was an "accident…" I dunno if I was supposed to be worried for her or what, but given our history I knew I couldn't spend any more time with her than absolutely necessary.

So if I'm wrong about some things, ok…but some things I've seen and experienced myself do make me wonder.

I should also make it clear that I don't believe in blaming the victim for what someone else does. I don't want to be misunderstood to say that a woman asks to be abused one way or the other. My position is that we can't change other people. If a man is an abuser, he's an abuser. Or if a woman is an abuser, SHE's an abuser. My concern is not for changing other people we have no control over and who won't be willing to change on their own. My concern is for what options a woman might have for avoiding getting into those kinds of relationships or for getting out of an abusive relationship she's currently in. If you're choosing someone based on attractive traits that are common to abusers, you ARE placing yourself in a situation in which certain behaviors are more LIKELY, and you do have control over those kinds of decisions.

What I want to see is a woman with a history of abuse take control over factors that lead to further abusive relationships and put an end to it. That's something that is doable, whereas you won't be able to stop abusers from being abusers. All you can do is try to lessen your chances of ending up with that guy.

BirdInFlight: I agree with pretty much everything you said in your longer post. I'm very sorry for what you had to go through, but I do hope you'll always tell your story and encourage others that they CAN get out and stay out of abusive relationships. My wife has been through this as well and I was there during the worst part of it. We may not necessarily agree on everything, but hopefully the common ground we DO have is in encouraging women that they do NOT have to put up with it and anything is better than abuse.



sly279
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03 Mar 2014, 9:04 pm

I expect any gf I end up with will abuse me , though probably verbally and emotionally. I did have a female friend who did it physically. that's just the only woman who will be with me. Seems it'll be worth it though. I wouldn't suggest women put up with abuse though.



MadeUnderground
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03 Mar 2014, 9:09 pm

sly279 wrote:
I expect any gf I end up with will abuse me , though probably verbally and emotionally. I did have a female friend who did it physically. that's just the only woman who will be with me. Seems it'll be worth it though. I wouldn't suggest women put up with abuse though.



Jesus Christ, man.

You'd be better off being single forever than being with women who will abuse you.


And if you've ever been in an emotional/verbally abusive relationship you would know that it is not worth it at all. It's easier to say it might be if you haven't been in one, but for those who have they know better.

I'd rather be single for 80 years then spend one year with an emotionally/verbally abusive woman.



sly279
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03 Mar 2014, 9:30 pm

MadeUnderground wrote:
sly279 wrote:
I expect any gf I end up with will abuse me , though probably verbally and emotionally. I did have a female friend who did it physically. that's just the only woman who will be with me. Seems it'll be worth it though. I wouldn't suggest women put up with abuse though.



Jesus Christ, man.

You'd be better off being single forever than being with women who will abuse you.


And if you've ever been in an emotional/verbally abusive relationship you would know that it is not worth it at all. It's easier to say it might be if you haven't been in one, but for those who have they know better.

I'd rather be single for 80 years then spend one year with an emotionally/verbally abusive woman.


been in them short term and i had a friend live with me that was both verbally and emotional abusive.. Its just all i'm worth. worth it for cuddles and love. Logically to except reality is all. sure i'd love to have a kind caring person who matches me, but due to looks and money, i'm just not worth much so I'll take what I can get. I can always hide under my blanket with music like I did with the friend.

People use me and throw me away until needed again. Its just how it is, I'm use to it even if it hurts me inside. At least i'm needed right.



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03 Mar 2014, 9:57 pm

I hate that. I've spoke with many young women that were getting abused and controlled. And they would make up so many excuses for them to stay with the abuser. I dont get it. They say, "I still love him". That s**t isnt love. So I guess when he's stomping a pothole in your ass he's saying "I love you so much!".
I grew up seeing my mom get hit from 2000-2012. And it was at age 16 when I didn't pity her. I let it go. She eventually got tired and moved on. Some dont even make it to the years ahead because the guy ends up killing them. Im not trading my life for love unless its me protecting someone.
I could tell these young women til they're blue in the face: a push becomes a shove, a slap becomes a punch, and then you get a full assault.
If a man hits you once you leave him. He's not a man. And he will hit you again. Men only do what you allow them to. And until you do something about it yourself, what do you expect to change? Him?

Now if a woman hits me. Im leaving her. She's compelling me to knock her the hell out. Which if it had to come to all that, its best for us not to be together. Violence belongs in no relationship. You already have to fight the world. So why is fighting the one you "love" making any sense?

And coldly, when a woman tells me she's being abused. I dont feel a shred of pity. Unless he has you caged up physically, you must don't want to leave. And if people cared about their future kids more, they wouldn't sulk into an abusive relationship of any kind.


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MadeUnderground
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03 Mar 2014, 9:57 pm

sly279 wrote:
MadeUnderground wrote:
sly279 wrote:
I expect any gf I end up with will abuse me , though probably verbally and emotionally. I did have a female friend who did it physically. that's just the only woman who will be with me. Seems it'll be worth it though. I wouldn't suggest women put up with abuse though.



Jesus Christ, man.

You'd be better off being single forever than being with women who will abuse you.


And if you've ever been in an emotional/verbally abusive relationship you would know that it is not worth it at all. It's easier to say it might be if you haven't been in one, but for those who have they know better.

I'd rather be single for 80 years then spend one year with an emotionally/verbally abusive woman.


been in them short term and i had a friend live with me that was both verbally and emotional abusive.. Its just all i'm worth. worth it for cuddles and love. Logically to except reality is all. sure i'd love to have a kind caring person who matches me, but due to looks and money, i'm just not worth much so I'll take what I can get. I can always hide under my blanket with music like I did with the friend.

People use me and throw me away until needed again. Its just how it is, I'm use to it even if it hurts me inside. At least i'm needed right.


I've been in one long term, we basically lived together and it's not worth it. And they're extremely hard and messy to get out of. I know you don't feel like you're worth much, but you are, and hopefully someday you will be able to see that and feel better about yourself. I used to feel the exact same way you did years ago. I felt that way most of my life until eventually I just got tired of it. I couldn't take feeling miserable all the time and decided to try to do everything I possibly could to change that. It was hard, uncomfortable, confusing, stressful and a whole bunch of other emotions, but I kept at it because it was better than feeling the way that I did before.
I haven't looked back since and feel a lot better about myself for it.
I still suffer from self esteem, confidence and feelings of low self worth issues, but they're much better than what they used to be. It's a working progess.
You may get cuddles from an abusive person, but love? Not so sure about that.



SSWaspie
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04 Mar 2014, 6:21 pm

Pobbles wrote:
SSWaspie wrote:
Anyone else find that when they do fall in love it's usually with someone that abuses them emotionally, mentally, physically or financially?


How were / are relationships with your parents, out of interest? Apologies for being forward, I have noticed that a child's male and female role models tend to inform their choices in partners as adults.

For example, I seem to be attracted to violent women with severe mental health issues.

At least I got on well with my Old Man, eh? :lol:


My dad was an alcoholic for 23 years and passed away after being 1.5 years sober (heart attack). He controlled my mother and was sexually abusive to me. My mom was always the type to chase love and allow herself to be mistreated. She married a man not long after divorcing my father and he was abusive to my brother and I... My mom followed suit in abusing me.

I left home at 15.5 and had my oldest at 17.

I have care for myself and my kid (now kids) since.



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04 Mar 2014, 8:32 pm

SSWaspie wrote:
...


That sounds like two generations of my family, except we only had the one crap parent. Even my sisters are misogynists, though luckily for them they do better in their relationships with the opposite sex.

Yay for crap parenting. I spent much of my childhood determined that I 'wouldn't turn into my mother'. Instead, it seems I busied myself by diving into bed with whatever model of her I could find. How disturbing.



em_tsuj
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04 Mar 2014, 8:32 pm

SSWaspie wrote:

My dad was an alcoholic for 23 years and passed away after being 1.5 years sober (heart attack). He controlled my mother and was sexually abusive to me. My mom was always the type to chase love and allow herself to be mistreated. She married a man not long after divorcing my father and he was abusive to my brother and I... My mom followed suit in abusing me.

I have care for myself and my kid (now kids) since.


That's why you fall in love with people who turn out to be abusive. It's all that you know. Ever read anything by Melody Beattie or go to Al-Anon meetings?

I suffered abuse from multiple sources, no support during childhood except a male cousin who cared about me but was also abusive. I haven't fell for a woman who is a batterer yet. I have a similar problem though. I instantly feel a magnetic attraction to women who are victims of child abuse. I get into addictive relationships with these women. They are attracted to me as well. It's like a sixth sense. Being an adult child sucks. The only type of relationships that "feel" right are replicas of the dysfunctional relationships we had with our caregivers as children.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, like there is no end to the cycle of abuse if you grew up in it. I have learned from my mistakes, and as my self-esteem has improved, my standards have gotten a lot higher. It takes a lot of work though, for me, and it is ongoing.



Last edited by em_tsuj on 05 Mar 2014, 1:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.

sapere_aude
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05 Mar 2014, 4:42 am

I'm male, and the only relationship I've been in so far turned abusive after a few months. I blamed myself at the time, even stayed with her after she cut my wrist with a razor blade, but it wasn't until it had ended that I realised just how out of line she had been.
While I was reading The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson I realised how many of the traits she had (as well as my emotionally abusive stepmother), but now I know the signs to look for and I'd much rather be single than go through that again. That ended around 5 years ago, and it's only very recently that I've come around to the idea of being in another relationship.
Psychopaths are extremely competent at making themselves appear attractive and charming, and think nothing of exploiting and manipulating others which leads me to wonder how many others on here would find similar traits in those that have abused them.
I'd say that experience has left me thoroughly determined that I'll never go through that again, but I can understand how someone with AS might find themselves in a recurring cycle of abusive relationships.
Stay strong, everyone x



sly279
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05 Mar 2014, 4:31 pm

MadeUnderground wrote:
sly279 wrote:
MadeUnderground wrote:
sly279 wrote:
I expect any gf I end up with will abuse me , though probably verbally and emotionally. I did have a female friend who did it physically. that's just the only woman who will be with me. Seems it'll be worth it though. I wouldn't suggest women put up with abuse though.



Jesus Christ, man.

You'd be better off being single forever than being with women who will abuse you.


And if you've ever been in an emotional/verbally abusive relationship you would know that it is not worth it at all. It's easier to say it might be if you haven't been in one, but for those who have they know better.

I'd rather be single for 80 years then spend one year with an emotionally/verbally abusive woman.


been in them short term and i had a friend live with me that was both verbally and emotional abusive.. Its just all i'm worth. worth it for cuddles and love. Logically to except reality is all. sure i'd love to have a kind caring person who matches me, but due to looks and money, i'm just not worth much so I'll take what I can get. I can always hide under my blanket with music like I did with the friend.

People use me and throw me away until needed again. Its just how it is, I'm use to it even if it hurts me inside. At least i'm needed right.


I've been in one long term, we basically lived together and it's not worth it. And they're extremely hard and messy to get out of. I know you don't feel like you're worth much, but you are, and hopefully someday you will be able to see that and feel better about yourself. I used to feel the exact same way you did years ago. I felt that way most of my life until eventually I just got tired of it. I couldn't take feeling miserable all the time and decided to try to do everything I possibly could to change that. It was hard, uncomfortable, confusing, stressful and a whole bunch of other emotions, but I kept at it because it was better than feeling the way that I did before.
I haven't looked back since and feel a lot better about myself for it.
I still suffer from self esteem, confidence and feelings of low self worth issues, but they're much better than what they used to be. It's a working progess.
You may get cuddles from an abusive person, but love? Not so sure about that.


that sucks :(. I certainly won't seek it out. I just feel do to all that's wrong with me, I have to accept any chance at love I get. It won't be great all the time, but What can I expect from anyone who would want me. what sapere_aude said though. I couldn't stay with someone after they cut me. I have a big fear of knifes and cutting. Just feel verbal and emotional abuse is very likely given how worthless women see me. I don't expect that a abusive woman would want me either though. But they also don't start out abusive except that one lady I was friends with in middle school.



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07 Mar 2014, 1:41 pm

sly279 wrote:
I expect any gf I end up with will abuse me , though probably verbally and emotionally. I did have a female friend who did it physically. that's just the only woman who will be with me. Seems it'll be worth it though. I wouldn't suggest women put up with abuse though.
I feel the same way, maybe im just being overly paranoid though.


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Cristina491
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08 Mar 2014, 9:30 pm

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08 Mar 2014, 9:36 pm

Survivor here. This is such an important issue.

I agree with a lot of what's already been said. There are of course all of the sort of standard reasons why any woman, NT or AS, is susceptible to and/or stays in an abusive situation. And I agree that, like NTs, some of us grew up in downright abusive families with terrible models of how we should be treated, and those childhood models absolutely impact adult romantic relationships.

I think a major factor for many AS folks is that we grew up our entire lives hearing things like "You're so difficult!!" or "Why can't you just get with the program like your siblings/classmates??" Or 'You're the only one always causing problems!! ! And those messages were constant. We didn't just hear those things if we had bad luck and particularly crappy parents. We all heard those things, often, from well-meaning albeit uninformed teachers, coaches, neighbors, classmates' parents, babysitters, etc.

We were told we were 'so difficult' when we weren't trying to cause trouble. Whether it was sensory stuff or not making eye contact or not 'picking up' our rooms because we had no idea what that meant...many of us were constantly told we were being difficult even when we were really trying our best. So I suspect that for a lot of us, even when we grow up and we succeed academically and professionally, we still have that refrain from our childhood playing in the background telling us that we're the problem, that we're always the difficult one.

Unfortunately ,those kinds of thoughts play right into the hands of abusers. A classic abuser tactic is to blame the victim, e.g. "I can't believe you made me so angry that I had to break things/throw things at you/beat you!" Statements like that are manipulative and absolutely meritless and ridiculous, of course. But to someone on the spectrum who grew up their whole life hearing 'You're always causing problems!! !,' those hurtful and manipulative statements by an abuser can sound familiar, and we may be primed to believe them.



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17 Mar 2014, 11:23 am

yes! I agree 100%! The ONLY person whom I have dated (unfortunately I did NOT marry him because I had just gotten divorced and thought the right thing to do was wait) that has NOT taken advantage of me was someone I dated in high school…who later looked for me…whom I knew there was something 100% different than everyone else…and now, more than 25+yrs later, I see in his writing how much he is truly an ASPIE and no wonder he always felt a connection, just like I did that can never be replaced. :-( ALL the other aholes, no matter how nice they seemed to others, have always taken advantage of me in one way or another.



Lupine12
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23 Jan 2016, 7:36 am

Why not address holding abusive men accountable for their actions? They to are supposed to be intelligent beings that should have the ability to rationalize through not abusing someone? Also, yep oxytocin and trauma bonding is a real thing. Some sociopaths know this and use it! Abusive Men and Women do NOT HAVE TO POWER TRIP! THEY CHOOSE TO BE ABUSIVE TO THOSE AROUND THEM AND THEY CHOOSE THE BEHAVIOR.