Trouble in Paradise

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Hi

I have known my fiancé for a little over two years now. He helped me get a diagnosis about a year ago which my parents failed to do and he is the only person, after seeing 8 professionals the past 5 years, who has actually helped me. I really do love him and I want to be a perfect partner for him, but lately I've felt too overwhelmed. Even just speaking to him or hugging him is too overwhelming and ofc he gets upset and starts arguing and I have to leave the room. It feels like my head is about to explode, or rather implode. I have moved into the living room now, been sleeping on the couch for three days and I feel like giving up. I can't even get myself to talk to him because it's just too much.

The reason I started feeling this way was because he spend an awful lot of time in front of his computer and I felt like he completely ignored me. Like I wasn't interesting or worth his time. And as pathetic as it is, he is the only person I've got. My parents neglected me for 17 years and were pretty much the reason that I got bad anxiety followed by OCD, misophonia and bad thoughts so I try to avoid them as much as possible. I have some "kinda friends" people but last time I had them over they left at 22:00 because I get exhausted by being social and they got bored and we don't really talk about personal things, they don't know about my diagnosis. But anyway, I felt left out and I started having some bad thought and I ended up spending the whole day in bed just looking at the celling hoping that he would walk in the door but he never did. So I just got overwhelmed. At one point I'm kinda mad/sad because I thought he would know me well enough to save me from myself in those situations and we've talked about it so many times that if he wanted to help me he just have to be there, but he still decided to leave me alone and as he said "give me space".

I feel like he doesn't get it. He get's mad at me for something I have no control over. I want him to be here but I can't stand him being mad at me and yelling at me and being aggressive. And I can't say yes when he asks if I want him to stay with me on the couch because yes, I want him to be with me but at the same time he is killing me by "acting" the way he does. I know he has eery right to me angry or hurt or frustrated, but I can't cope with all of his emotions being thrown at me. He's either aggressive or sounds like I just killed his family and he switches between the too so quickly so many times. He keeps coming in to me and trying to talk for 2 sec and then ends up leaving again. And every time I'm left a little bit deeper in this pathetic hell hole.

I really need him to understand but every time I try to talk he shoots me down and says that I'm wrong and the starts arguing. I don't know what to do. I wanna leave because it's just too hard but at the same time I'm afraid that I won't make it if I do because my thoughts are getting worse and he's the only one I've got. How do I talk to him? How do I make him understand what's going on inside my head when he just doesn't seem to get it? He thinks i'm being a b***h on purpose and he has started to do things back like turn off the internet and not make dinner for me but it's not because I don't wanna talk to him, I just can't speak and it's not because I don't want him to hug me, I need him to hug me, I just don't like the touch. Especially not when I feel hurt and attacked by that person and like he has left me alone in the woods to deal with a head filled with chaos even thou he knows me. It hurts that he leaves me alone in the apartment for hours while I'm buried in tears and clearly not in a good state when he knows I can be in danger to myself. It feels like he's leaving me to die. Like leaving me alone with a psychopathic murderer just waiting for me to have a the weakest moment of them all.

Are you by any chance suffering depression? My girlfriend has it & she's somewhat on the spectrum but I'm more so on it. She sometimes misinterprets what I say & do & communication issues like that between us Aspies & NTs are pretty common especially when we're suffering from something like depression. I try my best to be supportive but I'm not always sure what to do even thou I've been through a bad depression myself. We talk about things but I still don't fully get what she wants me to do in different situations because it's inconsistent & it seems like whatever choice I make is wrong sometimes. I think I'm doing the rite thing by giving her space but she wanted me to be there & when I am there sometimes she gets more upset with me or appears to be & she needs to be alone sometimes too. I ask her but sometimes she doesn't tell me or she tells me one thing but when I do it she gets more upset maybe because she guessed at what to say she wanted because I know it's hard when we';re depressed to know what we want or we think we know till we get it & then it's wrong. I'm not sure if it's anything like that with you & your guy but if you think there is you could try talking to him & explaining to him why you've been upset. Perhaps he's been leaving you alone because he thinks it's what's best for you or is afraid that you are getting ready to leave him because he didn't know why you were being withdrawn with him.