Relationships

Post Reply New Topic

Should I be involved with someone who doesn't believe in me and thinks that I need behavioral therapy? I talk a lot about my passion for science and reptiles and wanting to be like Steve Irwin in that he was an amazing man who was an advocate for habitat conservation. Anyways she told me that will probably never happen. I decided to tell her about being diagnosed with aspergers in middle school (something I have never done before) and how my mother never had me take behavioral therapy and she said I could probably do it now. Right now I'm regretting that I told her and I'm not sure that I want to be with her anymore. The only reason I told her is because she blew up at me saying that she feels like she's talking to a brick wall half the time and something about one-sided conversations, and how I carry on about the same topic when it's something I'm really interested in etc. I don't need doubt in my life, I want someone who will uplift and encourage me and who believes I can do anything because that's the truth.

Seems like you already have your answer.

You may be right but at the same time she can be so kind and sweet and I love her a lot...

I'm speculating but Are you currently working? If not she may want you to pursue a more attainable career. Or she may want to protect you from disappointment if it doesn't work out. She may not know much about Aspergers or had a chance to really grasp the idea of you having it yet. Perhaps she she wants you to take behavioral therapy for your sake.

I concur with the OP not wanting to be with his girlfriend anymore. She's not his mother, she's not his teacher, and she's not his doctor. It's not within her rights to tell him to get therapy or completely change his personality. It's fine if she asks him to, but a simple one-time "no" needs to be enough to stop the badgering. If it's not, a break-up is in order, initiated by either one of them.

Relationships are a two way street, and it sounds like she may feel it's all one way. If you're looking for someone who just lives to raise you on their pedestal, and be an unconditional cheerleader then start a fan club.

She's not the woman for you.

Ugh. Okay, so let's see how this goes:

Guy with AS and comm problems -- and who knows that AS involves comm problems -- says he wants to engage in a major advocacy career. Woman looks at guy and knows this is not realistic, because a major advocacy career involves a lot of things the guy isn't doing or can't do: it's not just about being passionately interested in a subject.

I've been in the woman's shoes often. There are a few options:

1. Nod and pretend to take the guy seriously, and be blandly but nonspecifically supportive, then pat him on the back sympathetically when it doesn't happen. This works only if the guy doesn't turn into an inquisitor and demand you prove your faith in him. If you don't give him the answers he wants there -- this is all about shoring up his ego -- he'll decide you've betrayed him and have only pretended to have faith in him but have thought he's an idiot all along, and there goes all your hard work being blandly supportive.

2. Ask what steps he's taken to make this happen. At this point you become the focus for anger and bitter imprecations about how you don't understand how these things work and never you mind how he'll do it. You can have this conversation as often as you like, because the odds that he'll actually develop a plan and make it go are not good. Eventually he'll crumble and admit that he has no plan and that this is all a fantasy. However, you will be to blame for destroying his fantasy, and will have been revealed as a cruel person.

3. Point out that this is not a realistic plan and suggest an alternative. He will decide that this means you have no faith in him, despise him, and are a mean and cruel lady.

4. Be honestly delusional and throw in completely with his ideas. This will end in your impoverishment and the transformation of your living space into a [defunct reptile farm, defunct brewery, defunct gaming palace, you name it], but he will be persuaded that you, alone in the universe, believe in him, and so your next job will be to believe in his next scheme, which may involve his having to go to the Andes for six months while you stay here and try to sell off the reptiles and beer, but that's okay, isn't it?

I don't doubt, btw, that the woman really does feel she's not being heard. If that's the case and they're interested in staying together, she needs to learn much more about AS and modify her behavior, and he needs to go for the therapy, which may give him some relationship skills he hasn't got now.

from what you said she only suggested you could probably still seek behavior therapy. That sounds supportive to me. like if a guy can't walk after a accident only cause he didn't do physical therapy and his gf suggest he could try. I would probably be upset at first, but If I felt it would help in life and the relationship I would try. I tend to want to not seek help for stuff, so a gf suggesting it would seem to be supportive of me. I don't see that alone as trying to change who he is.

as for the career choice honestly it's a long shot, but so are other feilds. I think voicing that it is isn't bad but if the person wants to try anyways I'd support them best I can from that point on. however if it lead to another one and another It'd become too much. I have 2 failed dreams under my belt. wasted 4 years in school. Only had one person tell me i wouldn't do it though.

you're never find that perfect person who believes you can do anything. we can't do anything, each of us have strengths in different areas. I could never be a doctor no matter how hard I want. I can never be a marine(due to aspergers) Not saying you can't do this it may be your strength area I've been told that relying on a person to make you happy or support you blindly puts too much pressure on them. not something i'd want to do to the person i love so much.

Seems to me you should be having this talk with her. I believe communication is important. as for the stuck on topics, yeah that happens I've worked hard at knowing when I do it though and I also spend alot of time trying to focus on them which can be hard when they don't want it, but i'm like but its how its suppose to be .

hope you two work it out.

What is you plan to become an environmental advocate? What or who is holding you back?

Probably the simplest way to convince her you can do it, is to go ahead and do it. Make some videos about environmental issues in your area and upload them to YouTube. Start a blog and Twitter feed and start advocating. I don't mean to sound harsh, but nobody's stopping you.

pretend to be interested in her interests or appear to be so the convos less one sided