AS and Sexual Intamacy

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Hi, I have been seeing a man with AS for several years (I am NT). I am looking for resources and advice for balancing out our needs and understanding how AS can affect our intimate relationships. I have noticed that he is either "on" or "off" there is no causal flirting or positive sexual feedback outside of the bedroom. Recently I have realized that my lack of understanding and the interactions between us has made me feel very unwanted.
I want to do right by both of us, however when he is "off" I get no positive feedback, no flirting, no touch. Sometimes I feel like I am throwing my sexual self at a brick wall. It has started to hurt and I often feel incredibly rejected.
He is such a wonderful partner is so many ways. I would greatly appreciate any advice, resource recommendations, books, I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable due to my intimacy needs. Is this a common problem?
Thanks

My mantra is: "I cannot be responsible for the emotional well-being of another person."

Autism is a form of brain damage, dearie. We don't have any control over it. When you hear the term "Lack of Empathy" associated with the disorder, it doesn't mean we are incapable of love, caring or compassion, instead, that phrase refers to the clinical psychological definition of Empathy, which means our brains do not usually recognize or correctly interpret the nonverbal signals of others that communicate their train of thought or their emotional needs.

Worse, even when we do recognize the needs of others, we generally do not know how to respond - even if I know you need a hug, my brain is not pre-programmed to know how to walk over and give it to you. The intellectual knowledge that such is the correct and appropriate behavior does not translate into any innate ability to perform that function in the physical world. So, we often stand awkwardly mute and incapacitated until the moment is lost.

In my experience, that handicap has resulted, over many years, in an overwhelming sense of discomfort at the very prospect of finding myself in situations where I am expected to support another person emotionally. Most of the time I don't know what the hell they want from me and when I do know, I usually don't have the ability to do it, or at least to do it right - these things simply don't come naturally to me, so I'd rather avoid them entirely. The disappointment it incurs in the other person only leaves me feeling useless and inadequate.

This is one of the most heartbreaking and frustrating aspects of High Functioning Autism. Most of us want, as much as any human being, to love and be loved and to make intimate personal connections, but we suck at it. It's hard enough for us to even meet and get to know people on a casual basis, but forging and maintaining those deep, intimate bonds often feels like trying to push two like poles of a magnet together. The harder you push them at each other, the stronger the invisible force that prevents it, and causes them to keep slipping right past.

I don't have any solutions for you, except to tell you not to take it so personally. It's not you, it's the way his brain is (mis)programmed. Just imagine you're in a relationship with Mr. Spock.

Seriously, 'cause that's what it's like.

How is he with hugs or cuddling up on the sofa to watch a movie? Does he flinch when you touch him or is it just that he finds it hard to initiate things?

I'm on the mild end of the spectrum and dating an NT woman, but I'm also very tactile and would hug her for hours every day if I could. For me, hugging a physical intimacy acts as an alternative way of expressing my feelings for her non-verbally, as I'm not good at intimate verbal communication.

Hugs are ok some of the time, sometimes I feel like I am invading or unwelcome though. Kisses are almost perfunctory, it feels like he tolerates the social expectations of a hello/goodbye kiss. When we are actually being intimate, he is more affectionate. But outside of that it feels pretty cold. I thought about asking him for more touch, but that seems like adding pressure. I don't want to make things worse by adding pressure on him to be physical in a way that is not comfortable or easy for him. I want to be a positive, not an added stress.

I guess if I knew that it was just how he is and not me being rejected I would be able to regulate myself. But I feel like I am physically rejected more often than not. I don't know if I should just stop trying for affection.

Hmm..it's a difficult one and I'm not quite sure what to recommend.

Is he able to talk about why he finds it difficult? I realise it's probably hard for him to express exactly why, but maybe i can help you put together the clues..

I must admit I'm very lucky in that my partner really seems to understand how to help me when I'm struggling. At new year, she and I were going to have a nice evening in together, when it turned out that a couple of her female friends happened to be close having a quiet one themselves. She asked if it would be ok to invite them to join us for dinner, and having met them before I said "sure, no problem".

Then things started to go wrong with the meal preparation, I realised I didn't have enough plates and glasses, and various other little things went a bit wrong and I started to go into meltdown myself.. ( changed plans, sudden new expectations put on me etc). I was totally losing it as her friends arrived, but somehow, she knew exactly what I needed.... she took me into the kitchen, held me tight and kissed me about 100 times all over my face whilst say "it's OK.. it's alright..". I literally cracked and started crying from the emotional release. She then helped me fix the meal issues, spoke to her friends to re-align their expectations, and in the end we had a great evening.

The thing is, every aspie is different, so maybe our experience is quite different from yours, but does any of this sound familiar?

Okay, just speaking for myself . . . with work and the two of you's relationship, does he have enough alone time and project time?

For me, I need alone time to emotionally process and I like diving into my own intellectual projects.

I think your instincts are good not to add more pressure.

Alone the line with perhaps giving more space, maybe schedule 'bad movie night', where you intentionally go to a crummy movie just to have an excuse to touch, play handsie, maybe make out a little. This might in a way sound paradoxical, both giving him more completely alone time and also scheduling more up time for the two of you as a couple.

I guess I'm in a minority here, because when I was in an intimate relationship, I couldn't get enough of her, and it drove her crazy in a bad way. In the beginning, I was very shy, and it took a lot of verbal and physical encouragement to make me believe I could share that side of myself with her, and still remain safe from betrayal or loneliness. Sadly, things eventually self-destructed, but that wasn't due to AS ( I didn't even know it existed back then).

OK, first things first

THANK YOU!!

It's great to find someone who has the patience and understanding to stick with someone who has AS because you know, deep down, that he's worth it. There are a couple of things I can suggest but what you do and how you do it is really up to you because you're the one closest.

1) Teach. Lots of aspies including me are not too hot when it comes to the social skills and the only way we're going to get them is to be taught. Carefully explain how he should react to things that happen in your life and, if need be, show him what to do.

2) Talk. Talk this out between the two of you, explain how you feel but at the same time try and find how he feels and what's going on inside his head. The answers may surprise you.

Willard has covered most of the problems we face quite well and that lack of empathy thing can cause a host of problems. It may look as if your man is 'switched off' but it's also possible that he may have 'crashed' and he hasn't the faintest idea of how to respond.

Thank you everyone for the feedback, I think maybe I am reacting to the wrong things. Looking around here and other sites has given me some serious insight that I am going to try to incorporate into my thought processes. I think I have not been understanding quite a bit, such as misinterpreting his need for space and down time, I am always SO eager to see him and that may just be to much. Doesn't mean he doesn't care for me, it's just in his way. I know I will have to continue to learn, but I just wanted to say thank you.

This can happen in NT NT relationships too. I've been married before. It got to the point where I felt like my husband didn't touch me except if he wanted to have sex. He would kiss me good bye in the morning before he left for work and again when he came home from work. But that was about it.

I am a female with Aspergers and have been married almost 10 years.

You've already gotten a lot of good insight/advice. I'm glad you plan to take his alone time seriously.

I've adopted an insane sleep schedule to accommodate my need for alone time. It's no thing to underestimate!

The "on" or "off" bit reminded me quite a lot of myself. My husband has also (unfortunately) felt a lot of rejection.

I was wondering if this seemed similar to your own situation--
Sometimes we get into this cycle, which hurts us both:

Me: somewhat "off"/stressed/etc.
He: initiates, but in increasingly subtle ways to shield himself from rejection...but then feels rejected anyway...gets more subtle
Me: knows something is "off" between us, can't identify the cause, get more stressed, making intimacy less likely...

And round and round it goes.

When I'm "on" (to use your words), I will notice any small advance he makes (or, quite frequently, make my own), when I'm "off", he kind of needs to spell it out for me... I have other things on my mind. Depending on the level of stress I'm under, I might still be persuaded...but I do need to actually be persuaded.

We have talked about it (many times), he's been trying to be more obvious about his initiation. I am always trying to lessen my stress..

I've never walked into the room when he's stripped down and said, "no".

But, if he's cuddling up to me on the couch and I've had an overwhelming day...I might prefer to scoot over for some space.

Make sense?

My general advice here would be to initiate intimacy (not just sex, but cuddling, etc.) less frequently and more obviously.


Also, the story Pete42 shared is--in my opinion--an example of a really awesome loving thing an NT partner can do for their partner on the spectrum.

...and it'll increase the bedroom intimacy exponentially!


Recently, we were at *my* parents' house when some extended family were in town visiting. It was getting loud and we had been there for awhile. I wasn't to the point of realizing how unregulated I was, but halfway through dinner, my husband looked at me, hugged me and whispered in my ear, "you need a break, take my keys, I'll say you needed to get something, take your time".

I left. Immediately. He covered for me (I think he just told them the truth...or they guessed. Hey, it was my family afterall...) I drove to a nearby park and sat by the water while I played with some rocks for about 10 minutes. I was gone probably 15 minutes, tops.

But, you know what? When we got home that night, I was calm and happy. Without that, I'm certain I would have needed no touching, a heavy blanket, and earplugs. Plus a long bath. ..and I probably would have had a rough day the next day, too.




Also - what is "positive sexual feedback"?


(Hey, I want to hear how it works for NTs, too. )

I would consider positive sexual feedback outside the bedroom to mean I feel he finds me attractive in many different situations, not just when engaged in sexual intercourse. Kissing, cuddling, flirting and compliments are helpful.

An example from my perspective is watching him work in the yard, mowing, building projects, landscaping, I find him incredibly attractive. Or seeing him dressed up for an evening out, sometimes he is so handsome I cannot focus on what I was doing, I will gladly stop what I was doing to enjoy his presence, I also enjoy feeling sexual towards him even if we don't engage in intimacy. To me, the desire, is a very pleasant feeling in and of itself.

For me, with my (undiagnosed) ASD husband this was always a problem. I could never get enough sex within our relationship (and by enough I mean bare minimum once a week). He was affectionate enough outside the bedroom - maybe less than some people would want, but ok for me. But I did not feel desired. We could go weeks, months and sometimes years without sex. It wasn't good. He came up with all kinds of excuses. But in the end I just don't think he desired me the way a husband should desire a wife. I also believe he had sensory issues during the sexual act. I won't go into graphic detail as this isn't the adult thread - but I just don't think he could quite enjoy sex the way some people can.

I know it's hard to talk about sexual needs not being met, but you have to grasp this thorny issue and make it work. Otherwise there will be long term damage to your self-esteem and psyche and ultimately to the relationship, too. And you wont' be getting laid.