It'd go something like this...
Welcome back, dating gurus. Today we're going to review one of the more popular online dating sites called eHarmony. Now popular dating sites are legendary and are known for their unique search features and the quality of women to choose from. However, one dating site in particular sticks out like a sore thumb, and that is eHarmony for the Microsoft Internet Explorer Application.
Now before spamming me with hate mail, just hear me out. I don't particularly hate eHarmony, but when you compare it to all the other dating sites, it just has ASS written all over it! I mean, if they were to be honest, they should have called the site "eBaloney", which is exactly what this site is.
So you log into eharmony.com and then the main page loads up. When I see the first screen, I notice that the site is...another huge letdown. This is the #1 dating site? What a pixelated nightmare! And in an effort to bring dating onto Internet Explorer, they disposed of every cool feature that made it fun. Buying girls drinks? GONE! Using pickup lines in groups? GONE! Wingmanning? GONE! And that was the best part! Everyone raves about the features that allow you to receive matches closer to what you're looking for. Well lah-de-fuckin' da. These features suck ass, they're boring, and they're stupid. Now I would have gladly done without these features if they just used the extra space to make the site more like a real life dating experience.
So I check my matches for today, and I see this one girl named Rhonda, but Rhonda is a fat f*****g cow. What a bunch of dick waffles! I thought the matchup in the beginning was supposed to filter out these girls! Well now I know that the questionare is equivalent to a s**t sundae taco! I was eating some Lucky Charms, but after viewing this profile I just lost my appetite. Face it, breakfast is ruined!
Well eventually I did find a girl of interest. It would have helped if her profile wasn't buried so damn deep in the site. I look at this girl's pictures, and all I gotta say is hot damn, what a babe. I wonder what her backstory is. I guess I could read her profile, but to hell with that! Who has time to read those things anyway? I can't be wasting my time reading about the women on this site; I just have to message the hell out of them!
So I go to message this girl, and believe it or not they f****d that up too. Guess how you're supposed to communicate?
A) Phone her
B) Send her pics of your 'junk'
or C) A generic f*****g five generated question opener?
If you guessed C, sadly you're correct. But anyways, let's send off my message to her and just wait for her to respond.
*clock ticks*
*Waits around bored*
*frantically pushes the refresh button*
So after five minutes of waiting, guess what? NOTHING! What a bunch of ass-slapping deer-raping shedload of s**t! I get more pleasure sticking my tounge into an electric socket!
Well after doing further research, it looks like the women on the site get bombarded by messages from other guys, which means your chances of getting a response are up s**t creek without a paddle. You mean there are OTHER GUYS using this site? What a bunch of assburgers with a side of fries!! !
*Grabs screenshot of eHarmony*
Now if you excuse me, I gotta take out the trash.
*Takes screenshot and flushes it down the toilet*
22 Jul 2013, 11:27 am
