Intimidating appearance and feeling like a small kid inside.

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Snowy Owl
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23 Jun 2018, 9:26 am

I'm 33, 130 kg's, strong, black hair, white skin. I make for an imposing figure. I often intimidate people or seemingly scare them, merely by being near.

On the inside, I feel small and vulnerable. Likely because I was always picked on, bullied, etc. I often misjudge how wide my shoulders are and I've gotten stuck in doorposts...

My question is, or i was wondering, if this is something other guys struggle with. Because it is not helping the whole dating thing, when you look like a giant block of angry xD

I recently joined group therapy and I've begun to learn that a lot of what I think of as normal, isn't. I reasoned this might also be the case for this vague odd... thing.

Cheers.



TheSpectrum
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23 Jun 2018, 9:42 am

Could this be....Master Blaster syndrome?

Image

In all honesty with enough time people will get to the know the real you, even if you don't always make great first impressions.

What sort of facial expressions do you show when you're out and about usually?
I used to look like I was in a permanent daze, or would poke my lip out etc. which didn't always leave the best of impressions.


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blooiejagwa
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23 Jun 2018, 11:12 am

I am nowhere near you in appearance but ppl have told me I seem ‘intimidating ‘ and ‘snobby’ and ‘evil’ a LOT

Like all my friends before they knew me- later they told me that was their impr swoon of me

I think i is an autism thing because our facial expressions seem aloof or reserved when in reality we are just conserving energy n closed off naturally


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23 Jun 2018, 1:21 pm

thanks for the input.

I've been told that i usually walk around with a scowl :/

i cant help that the sun is too bloody bright, even on a cloudy day with sunglasses on. something i should try to change, however.
the way i walk is another thin, i just realised. like most of the aspergers folks, i dont have great motor skills, so they way i walk is also kind of like i'm a bear on hind feet xD



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23 Jun 2018, 3:41 pm

Even though I am not small, 5'6'' tall, I am sort of the opposite. I give off some kind of 'this person will be no trouble' vibe and people either patronise me or try to push me around. I do warn people but when they keep pushing and I :twisted: they're 8O and blame me. I feel like I should have some sort of warning sign on my head.



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24 Jun 2018, 6:22 am

I sometimes get very animated, which sometimes also get misinterpreted as being angry or upset, when i'm merely trying to make a point.

And for some reason, people do always come up to me to ask me for directions(which im terrible at) or bustimes, stuff like that.
which makes me think i must have some kind of appeal, in that sense. dont know what or why or how...

and boundaries are tough. i'm pretty chill and confident. so i rarely have to be in a situation that escalates.
I worry if and when it does, because i know i'm capable of great violence. I choose not to be violent, because it isnt nice.

As i'm writing this, i suppose im confused about people's reactions to me. On the one hand is fear, on the other is safety enough for asking for help with tiny things. I dont get it.

I would expect some kind of constant, but the only constants i've noticed have been one of 3.
fear and avoidance
random trust and approach

and just normal, with friends.

i dont know why some people like me and others seem to want to avoid me like i'll rip them apart.... :cry:



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29 Jun 2018, 2:35 pm

Normal for an aspie.

I'm 6'2" ~95kg ~13%bf. When my symptoms have been stronger & some idiot was being VERY rude and aggressive and I felt like little mouse on the inside.. I said/did ~nothing and just waited for him to leave. A friend of mine looked at me in disbelief and said something like "Why didn't you defend yourself?" because from his perspective, he's looking at a lion that should have said/done something. In hindsight, I know why my symptoms were strong that particular day and I was feeling "small," and I also fully get his perspective - as the NT move would have been to tell that guy to "f**k Off!" at minimum, and or raise a fist/weapon and threaten to beat him for being an as*hole as he was threatening people with violence.

But, it's normal for an aspie to feel much smaller/lesser/weaker etc than they appear to others in so many different ways.. like an aspie friend of mine that is truly a beautiful person & could have a career as a fitness model, but is extremely camera shy like most of us. What we see on the outside isn't necessarily indicative of how aspies feel on the inside. You are definitely not alone in this.


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isloth
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29 Jun 2018, 3:29 pm

haha goldfish, I'm that exact size as well and have had those exact situations happen to me, although luckily I can't say people picked on me a lot. I think people hit the nail on the head when they said that Aspies are likely to have an intense or serious look and inadvertently project a unapproachable and closed aura, and that can be interpreted by people as intimidating. I suppose with self-discipline and effort you could consciously tell your body to change the messages it's sending out, but it's hard.


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29 Jun 2018, 3:33 pm

isloth wrote:
haha goldfish, I'm that exact size as well and have had those exact situations happen to me, although luckily I can't say people picked on me a lot. I think people hit the nail on the head when they said that Aspies are likely to have an intense or serious look and inadvertently project a unapproachable and closed aura, and that can be interpreted by people as intimidating. I suppose with self-discipline and effort you could consciously tell your body to change the messages it's sending out, but it's hard.


It's next to impossible.

At the end of January I went to the closing night of a night club I once bartended at because the owners were retiring. There was some woman there who kept nagging me with her bullshit "You don't look happy. Try to smile more!" do this do that go dance and I just ignored her and sipped my beer as I was leaning against the bar while I was wishing I could say "How about f**k off and mind your own business ya nosey c**t. Your bitching and nagging at me is starting to lessen my actual enjoyment now." BUT, I know enough not to say anything and just ignore people who's perception of me is that I'm not having a good time because my facial expression doesn't match their expectations.


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isloth
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29 Jun 2018, 3:37 pm

Yea, even if people are polite enough not to mention it to me, anytime I go out, I feel this constant pressure of acting normally and not embarrassing myself, has gotten to the point where I rarely leave the house because it's just so much added hassle for me.


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29 Jun 2018, 3:40 pm

isloth wrote:
Yea, even if people are polite enough not to mention it to me, anytime I go out, I feel this constant pressure of acting normally and not embarrassing myself, has gotten to the point where I rarely leave the house because it's just so much added hassle for me.


lol part of why I don't go anywhere except for the beach. Yeah, there can be thousand of people there.. But, also, the beach - which is incredibly calming. 8) It's dark & cloudy today, though, so I'll likely just stay in online.


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29 Jun 2018, 3:53 pm

Tanker wrote:
I'm 33, 130 kg's, strong, black hair, white skin. I make for an imposing figure. I often intimidate people or seemingly scare them, merely by being near.

On the inside, I feel small and vulnerable. Likely because I was always picked on, bullied, etc. I often misjudge how wide my shoulders are and I've gotten stuck in doorposts...

My question is, or i was wondering, if this is something other guys struggle with. Because it is not helping the whole dating thing, when you look like a giant block of angry xD

I recently joined group therapy and I've begun to learn that a lot of what I think of as normal, isn't. I reasoned this might also be the case for this vague odd... thing.

Cheers.


Carry yourself with a faint smile on your face and allow that smile to be permanent. Don't overthink things and if you expect interaction or when interaction finds you just take everything lightly and don't overthink things, you are not there to cater to anyone but you're up for cooperation or conversation if you choose to interact, take everything lightheartedly that way youll signal that you are someone who they can bounce things off of (no pun intended) and it will be taken with a grain of salt (to view something with skepticism or not to interpret something literally). That way you'll be your own person and you'll be responding but not overwhelming them with your stern exterior or answers. You'll spare yourself unnecessary anxiety. Say what you feel and allow yourself to be soft and kind (no one is out to get you, you jump on yourself mostly, that's why people "jump" away), you'll be sending out a signal of a confident kind giant, but always speak your mind in serious situations. That way you'll acquire a well-rounded character and as time goes by and you keep it up you'll see yourself change and you wont have these negative things to say about yourself since it all seems to come from within and how you view yourself, you are what you eat, it you munch on your own negativity people will see you "hunched over" munching on yourself like a frightened feral beast. React to your mistakes in a light manner and next time you get stuck in a doorpost wiggle your way out and think nothing of it. If your hard on yourself people will come down harder on you. Its a mantra and a exercise you must keep up till you become. You're looking for a transformation are you not? Well, it's a process. You must make it become a part of you, like a muscle forms on your body through working out. You must work out with your brain. get to it and sometimes say "f**k it", and tell the doorpost to go f**k itself too..

I'm tall as well (1.90cm), not very large but when I hit my head in something i turn around and karate-chop it lightly out of humor and i don't care who is around, I don't even acknowledge them, the people who look on.

Be honest with your size and next time you're walking through a door enter with one shoulder, don't walk side-ways like a crab, but lean in a bit and slink through. If you like your size stay the way you are, lots of girls who like big fellas, but big fellas need to be comfortable with themselves.


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30 Jun 2018, 6:30 am

thanks for the advice, everyone. glad to know that this is "a thing" and not just me :P always helps a bit.

had an event, yesterday. showed and let a few hundred people play our new game. the thin guys on my team were constantly being asked questions by all the cute chicks. the only people asking me anything or talking to me were dudes. i'm pretty sure i accidentally hit on one of them, because i swear i knew his face. so that was fun

this only helped to confirm what i've always seen around me: cute chicks want thin guys. fat guys are utterly ignored.

i really dont like this meatshell im in. it's fat, never has to energy to do anything about that because of depression, always in some kind of pain.
the only thing "good", is that i appear to gain muscle mass real quick. but again... never have the energy to actually f*****g work out

i'm so goddamned frustrated by all of this s**t. i'd just like a girl to call me cute or something. just once.

and have it not be my mom...that s**t dont count xD



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30 Jun 2018, 7:38 am

Tanker wrote:
thanks for the advice, everyone. glad to know that this is "a thing" and not just me :P always helps a bit.

had an event, yesterday. showed and let a few hundred people play our new game. the thin guys on my team were constantly being asked questions by all the cute chicks. the only people asking me anything or talking to me were dudes. i'm pretty sure i accidentally hit on one of them, because i swear i knew his face. so that was fun

this only helped to confirm what i've always seen around me: cute chicks want thin guys. fat guys are utterly ignored.

i really dont like this meatshell im in. it's fat, never has to energy to do anything about that because of depression, always in some kind of pain.
the only thing "good", is that i appear to gain muscle mass real quick. but again... never have the energy to actually f*****g work out

i'm so goddamned frustrated by all of this s**t. i'd just like a girl to call me cute or something. just once.

and have it not be my mom...that s**t dont count xD


What is this new game you speak of, are you a game developer?
And are you into boys/are you BI? (as you said you accidentally flirted with one)


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isloth
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30 Jun 2018, 9:00 am

My dad likes to argue that we are so progressive as a world now, that people no longer care about things like weight when making judgments of people. I tell him he is a an out of touch idiot :lol:


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01 Jul 2018, 12:53 am

SoulcakeDuck wrote:
What is this new game you speak of, are you a game developer?
And are you into boys/are you BI? (as you said you accidentally flirted with one)


the game is called "Retro Rockets" and i am a developer. artist by trade.
we just launched a new temporary site, which is here: Retro Rockets

and no, im not gay/bi. im just terrible at sending and receiving "signals". they might as well not be a thing for me xD

makes the whole "getting a girlfriend"-thing kinda hard :skull: