HistoryGal wrote:
I'm saying it's not important for to be right.
Pride is an issue with people that argue over who is right.
I was being somewhat facetious. The correct saying “Better to be happy than right,” and “happy wife, happy life.”
The serious side of it is constantly placating and appeasing someone tends to build resentment. I don’t understand why that is, but I see couples in miserable marriages where the husband almost always agrees with the wife, no matter what. They have no backbone. Wives DO want supportive and affirming husbands. There’s no question about that. But they also find it frustrating when the husband appears uninterested or indecisive. Husbands who feel their every decision is controlled by their wives’ every whim will eventually feel their grip on sanity start to slip.
I don’t feel I’m less of a man for mostly going along with my wife’s decisions. If I thought I was marrying an air headed teenager, I’d have explored other options some 20 years ago. No, I married someone smart. Someone I knew I could trust. Someone who knew me well enough to know I’d be supportive of most everything she wanted because it’s all consistent with what I believe in, too.
The times I say “no” are rare to the point it’s a complete shock when I say it. “No” starts fights. “No” disappoints. But when used at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way, whatever the situation calls for, “no” is the difference between saving your relationship or not, and possibly even losing your mind.
“I don’t care if he’s been a close friend of the family since you were a baby. I saw what he tried to pull while you were drunk on New Year’s. NO, you are NOT going back there unless I go with you. And NO, I will NOT let you be alone in the same room with him.”
“No, you will NOT go to ‘girls night out’ with her. Last time it wasn’t ‘just girls,’ and some other man drove you back home. So either I go with you or you find different friends to hang with.”
It’s not about being jealous or wanting to control someone. It’s about cooperating together for mutual benefit. It’s about accepting the weaknesses and insecurities of BOTH partners together and moving forward as a unit. There is no “me” or “you.” There is “us.” And if that is a problem then people shouldn’t get married. And it’s both sides, too. If she has a problem with me and/or my friends and activities, I expect her to bring it to my attention. It’s SAFE for her to say no. It’s SAFE to disagree. It’s SAFE if we agree that I break the impasse when that happens.
A major part of what has made us strong as a couple is a desire to be right and to seek out what that means together. What that looks like is we step back from the problem and realize we’re actually BOTH right, or maybe there really not a right/wrong. Or if we’re stumped we’ll pray about it, or we’ll read the Bible. Or we’ll ask friends we trust to give good advice how they’ve handled it.
“No” and “right” need not be nightmarish scenarios that leave a man or woman cowering before the other person. They can strengthen the relationship and move things forward positively.
I think probably a lot of couples make this a zero-sum competition. A man confronts his SO with “HA! See? I’m RIGHT! You are WRONG!” And that’s not healthy. I notice a lot of women will lay on the guilt and make this guy second guess himself or abandon his position. Thing is, if you really are right, being right speaks for itself. If you know you are right, then just do what you have to do. If he or she guilts you, so what? Take comfort in knowing you made the right decision. It will blow over and you’ll end up better for it. And don’t gloat, either. But if you just lay down and play dead for the sake of avoiding confrontation, you’ll be miserable anyway.
14 Jul 2018, 8:12 am
