Is it his Asperger's, or is it just his personality?

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Hello everyone. I have been following some of the discussions on WP for a long time, probably a couple of years or so, perhaps maybe even longer, but I am finally posting here because I do not know where else to turn to. I figured that members of the WP community could and would understand my predicament well.

To cut a long story short, my Aspie ex-boyfriend contacted me again after several months of not contacting each other after I ended our relationship at the end of July last year. I told him to stop contacting me for good, as the dynamics of whatever was left of us were extremely skewed and I couldn't handle it at the time: I was still in love with him despite being the one to end the relationship (there were just too many issues such as a clash of religious beliefs, accompanied by poor communication and other things in our seven-month long-distance relationship), whereas the only kind of love he had left for me was the compassionate, platonic sort.

Months passed, and although I had bouts of missing him terribly, my life was gradually becoming stable again and I was beginning to heal. Not long after that, I started seeing someone and I still am. Everything was fine until my Aspie ex decided to send me a message on Facebook, saying 'Sometimes I wonder if you place your feed on public on purpose so that there's a slight chance that I would or might read them.' To an extent (I'll let you determine how much) what he wrote was true, but it wasn't the only reason. When we exchanged messages with each other, I noticed the same patterns that have been recurring throughout time.

An example is he would make condescending remarks, whether directly or indirectly, such as 'You seem to read books for the sake of reading or appearing to read them', yet propose that I become his intellectual companion when he already has friends for that IRL and also in high IQ societies online. Despite telling me that he cares a lot about me and that he values me, I cannot help feeling that he wants to use me to temporarily fill some sort of intellectual void, at least until another female intellectual companion (whom he might actually love and make a romantic partner out of) comes along. This has not happened once. He does not seem to understand why I cannot see things the way he sees things and just disregard or 'kill' my feelings for him the way he has 'killed' his feelings for me completely, even when I've tried to do so (hence the no contact thing).

In relation to the condescending remarks he makes, he has done the same to a female friend of mine, whom he had developed feelings for after I broke up with him. He said he did that because he was afraid of his growing feelings for her, and that it was a way for him to push her away so that nothing would actually transpire. At other times, he would refer to such an act as a form of social experimentation, to see who people are, what people can be, how they behave and such, and that with most people, he puts on masks, but with me he is who he is. I find it hard to believe because there is a possibility that he can do to me what he has done to others. Another reason why I cannot re-establish anything with him, not even a friendship. I simply cannot trust him anymore. This confounds me because if anything, from what I've read, Aspies are extremely honest and have no business with these sort of mind games and social pretensions. Granted that he is blunt about things, but the whole putting on masks thing makes me question him even when he is telling the truth. I no longer know how to differentiate when he does that.

He does, and always has, however, paid great attention to detail. He remembers the tiniest details about the Facebook posts of mine that he had seen, just like he paid attention to my feather earrings when I wanted to say goodbye to him at the airport in his city in 2012. I have always loved it when people pay great attention to little details because most people tend to overlook them. It makes me feel like people appreciate me for who I really am, and not their idea of me in general. I suppose that is one of the positive Aspie traits he has. He would also stay up to talk to me on the phone when I requested him to do so as he has done many times before, both when we were still just friends and when we were in a relationship, even when it meant him losing sleep. I read somewhere that 'sacrifice of sleep is probably the most romantic gesture', and that is true to me, because sleep is very important to me and someone must be very special to me if I favour him or her over sleep. However, he didn't see it that way, and said that he might do that for other people too. I know I shouldn't have felt upset, but I was upset about it, because it felt as though the whole gesture didn't really mean anything to him. Or perhaps I put too much meaning into things, as in symbolically, whereas he is literal, and most Aspies are known to be very literal in their communication.

I've forgotten where I'm going with this, so I apologise if this seems long-winded. I want to know - is it natural for Aspies to simply 'turn off' their feelings for someone they used to love (even if they weren't passionately in love in the first place)? Are Aspies really oblivious (unintentionally so) to the pain reflected by someone else, even when the other person has told them explicitly how hurt he or she is and the reasons for feeling hurt? What about the condescending and insulting remarks - is it just a way of Aspies being direct without actually meaning to hurt people, or is it something else? How do I know if it's not his Asperger's and if it's just his personality? How can I know if his actions and thoughts are not a result of a combination of the two?

Please forgive me if I have not added enough details, or if I am incoherent in certain parts, or if this issue seems trivial to most of you. Do let me know and I will clarify further. It's just I am so deeply affected by his actions, because I think I still do have feelings for him, at least when he started talking to me again (which is totally unfair to my boyfriend, but thankfully he understands when I told him everything), and also because some of the things my ex-boyfriend does and says to me makes me question if this is something he cannot control, or if he is merely perpetuating some sort of psychological/emotional abuse to some extent. Yes, I have blocked my ex everywhere possible, and the tremors have subsided, but at the same time I still feel scarred by the most recent conversation we had, and also by our shared past. I just want to forget everything about him, and I told him to do the same, but he wouldn't throw away the things I gave him even when I explicitly told him to. I want him to move on so that he can stop coming back to hurt me and stop me from moving on too. I know many Aspies are extremely loyal, and this is probably a way for him to demonstrate his loyalty to me, but personally I would rather be forgotten than be remembered this way by him. It's just too painful for me.

If you have gotten this far, thank you so much for reading. Hope all is well with all of you on WP.

I can't imagine why this issue would seem trivial to any of us. We are vehemently conscious of our collective reputation.

On the contrary, we on the Autism Spectrum serve no higher purpose than mind games. In a healthy context these take on the form of thought experiments, while I consciously realize my jealousy before letting it escape my mouth or fingertips, I'm sad to say I can't claim adherence to the same policy for all my brethren. He may have THOUGHT he was conducting a social experiment, but it was nothing more than self indulgence, HFA or not, well, self indulgence be damned.

Go through a mutual friend and send this precise message in your own words. A great many angry words would be perfectly justified, though excercise your honest writing style just the same as you have with us. You'd be doing him a favor.

No, not that I know of. If it were that easy, that we could just switch feelings off like a lamp, we'd have a whole lot less problems. But just like with 'normal' people that's not the case. Perhaps he purposely numbed his feelings by doing other things like seeking distraction. Or maybe he gets bored and annoyed easily with people. (just like with NT people- feelings can end for different reasons but not like on command and all of a sudden) But it's probably not a case of just deciding he didn't want to feel anything anymore. I never heard of it and doubt that it's possible. Therefore I strongly doubt his words.

He's being a jerk. He knows how it makes you feel yet continues to hurt you. That's about it- it's not an Asperger's trait to somehow unintentionally continue to hurt someone after he or she let you know how it makes him or her feel.

The condescending and insulting remarks really show his attitude towards you. It has nothing to do with social directness or anything but all with disdain and lack of care. Especially if he's intelligent this has nothing to do with unintentionally being too ''honest'' or whatever explanation you can think of. Autism often/almost always comes with social clumsiness and awkwardness but this really isn't an example of such a slip-up.

Asperger's doesn't mean that you do everything exactly opposite of the 'normal'. We make social mistakes, misunderstand a lot, sometimes accidentally say something rude or hurtful and so on. But it's definitely not an Asperger's trait to continue to do so after being told how it makes the other person feel. It really just isn't. It doesn't work that way. Besides, it's not like AS means that there's this disdain for other people and their feelings. That's really his own mindset, attitude and personality. Accidentally hurtful remarks are occasional and not the norm. The things he apparently said to you aren't examples of little mistakes, you don't make small slip-ups like that. He knew what he said and how it made you feel and chose to have a disregard for it. That's unrelated to AS.

I think you're being waaaaaay too forgiving. His words and actions really show how he sees you and it's not like AS somehow makes it seem different. Sure we make social mistakes but they aren't of this type. Not like this. AS or not, he's been treating you badly and he's fully accountable for it as AS characteristics definitely don't explain this.

It's his personality. He may feel quite unfairly judged by the world because of Aspie kinds of traits, but how any of us respond to criticism is a choice.

We can hurt others when we feel bad, or we can endeavor not to.

Last edited by Waterfalls on 05 May 2014, 6:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

I wonder why you even have him on your friends or do you have your feed public for everyone to see?

After the relationship between the both of you ended, I suspect his social experiments began. I suspect he's playing mind games with you and totally disregarding your requests.

You have a boyfriend and you realize that you may be acting in an unfair manner. If you feel its unfair to your boyfriend yo talk with the ex, then I don't think you really need any more answers here on where to go with your feelings.

Thank you so much for your reply. I have carried out what you have suggested here, but it seems like I've reached a dead end. He still sees nothing wrong with what he has been doing. I had no choice but to leave it at that. At the very least, he has heard what he has to hear.

Thank you so much for your breakdown of my concerns - I cannot emphasise how much your analysis has helped me. I suppose I needed to hear it from an unbiased, third-party POV - someone who knows better.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Thank you.

I had some posts on public for everyone to see, but it wasn't for him per se. The posts I had on public were those relating to literary things or basically things I found interesting. Some of the posts were those that I wrote, but nothing too revealing or private - mostly just thoughts regarding current issues or school and such. I actually deleted my previous Facebook account and started a new one some time after that as a part of the recovery process, post-breakup, so I did not have him on my friends list for a long time. Anyway, I have deactivated my Facebook account, not because of him (after all I did block him again), but because I wanted to minimise distractions so that I could focus more on my studies.

Last edited by milkbaby on 09 May 2014, 4:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

I suppose I was too obtuse to get it drilled in my mind at the time. Thank you so much for your response, I really do find it helpful.