Only sunshine for the helpy

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Ugh. Why is it that when you go to helpy people for help, you have to battle your way past their own personal discomfort about your problem before they'll even consider doing their job?

I'm no longer a young chick and it's very tough for me to find a good match, a good partner. There are a few things I need in a partner, and if they're not there, it's not a good time for either of us. I know this from long experience. I also know that there just aren't many guys like that, period, let alone single, straight guys like that in their late 40s/early 50s, let alone members of that set who'd want to be with me and live within a thousand miles of me. (I live in the middle of nowhere and won't be free to move for most of a decade, by which time I'll be in my 50s.)

I've been looking high and low, irl and online, searches open to the entire world, for several years, and -- nothing. It's hitting me, the last few weeks, that this actually may be it, that maybe there won't be another serious relationship in my life. It's also undeniable that the pool of available age/experience-appropriate guys, apart from being uninteresting to me, is aging and not doing so well at taking care of themselves. Am I interested in a few great years and then being a caregiver for 15, no I am not. I've been a caregiver to a grown man, it sucked and totally drained me for years, I don't want to do it again. And this is all about my interest in the guys, doesn't even touch the fact that there's a limited pool of men who're all that hot to get with an aging single mom who isn't interested in being their mother, too, picking up after them, letting them get away with being lousy and selfish, living to bolster their egos, etc. And who's very, very bright and accomplished, and isn't inclined to pretend it isn't so, which an awful lot of men perceive as "rubbing it in their faces". It's possible that the pool of men out there for me = 0, at this point.

This is a major thing to wrap my head around. It's not a certainty, sure. But it's been the reality for a long time now, and it's a reality that shows no sign of going away. So I want to deal with this, come to terms with it somehow. And so I go to helpy therapeutic people. Who manage to ignore every single thing I'm saying in their desperation to find rays of hope I haven't asked for, because, I guess, they themselves can't handle the idea of a future so bleak and loveless.

So I say to them, yeah, of course I'm not saying this is a certainty. But it's looking like a strong possibility, it's already been that way quite a while now, and I want to try to deal with it. This falls on deaf ears.

Then they get to work on me to give up some expectations about the imaginary guy, and get snippy with me when I explain, patiently, again, that doing this doesn't work well. That there are things I need in order to be happy in a relationship, and I know this through trying to do without them. The experiments have already been run. They end happily for nobody. This is, apparently, my fault and I should change so that I can give the helpy people more rays of sunshine.

After they get done blaming me and warning me that I'll just have to give up on the idea of having another relationship, then, I say yes, thank you, if you noticed, that's what this conversation was about from the first sentence. I got to that recognition weeks ago. Now I'm looking for help in living with it, absorbing what it means. That's why I'm talking to you, O helpy person who advertises helpiness.

Then they go into paroxysms about not giving up. And suggest that I move to someplace where I might meet more suitable men. Despite the fact that I've already told them I can't do that. (And despite the fact that it'd really be pretty dumb to uproot yourself and your kid, quit your job, and spend tons of money for the hope of romance and a life with -- who? I mean these are after all just guys, not Jesus, and I've got other things I need to take care of, too. I'm not 22 and free to run my ass all over the world. Although I did do that and it was fun, don't regret it for a minute.)

Then they get despondent and...you know, it's so American, it's this terror of the idea that things may be tough, for...ever, really...and that there may be nothing that can be done about this except recognizing it and building some sense of life that accommodates it. If I say things like this, I find that helpy people really come undone, get kind of angry, and want desperately to focus on tips and tricks, things that can marginally improve this or that corner of the picture, rather than coming to terms with the picture itself. Well, this is what comes of a weak education in the humanities.

Which has got to be maddening for anyone dealing with a long-term or permanent hardship. I mean this s**t is real. Where do you go to find people who can handle these things without just punting to God?

I think you should seriously consider dating younger men.

I have always dated older and I'm currently seeing someone over a decade my age, although she has many admirers.

Some women look exceptionally young if they haven't given into Western diets, alcohol, smoking or sun addiction.

Have done, but considering how few of the men my age are grownups, it's sort of the wrong direction. I'm just too old for that, already have a real kid, don't want to feel responsible for a younger guy. Plus the generational tropes/differences turn out to matter. I have the same trouble dating guys in their mid-50s, they're all about CBGB and still, deep down, wanna be Mick.

Consider giving up on that and focus on other things in life.

You already have a child, so you probably have already experienced the good and the bad side of love and long term relationships; now go travel or go short terms if sex is important for you, either way have fun instead.

Based on your previous posts and your tone toward male members, I think you have a general low view on men. So yeah, consider giving up.

What I'm getting from the post is that you would like to talk to people who will listen and not offer judgment or tips. I'm also getting that these people don't get how to listen, or maybe you don't either. if you find a person who will listen when you need to let out how you feel and they support, would you keep you that person around?

(Anybody else wondering, did I miss something, what is this word 'helpy'?)

Gee, it happens here, too. To recap, what I was looking for in going to them:

I agree with them.

Posing legitimate questions to us on WP is a sign that a perfectly fine relationship could fall into your lap at any time. Kids grow up fast, I know I did so too fast, and considering the fact you're asking this forum some real questions now, I think you might do more of the same yourself sometime in the next year or so. Could be five minutes, could be a decade but it sounds like most of it is up to you. Any happy relationship you could make agreeable for your family is a good idea.

I think I understand what you're saying. I had a friend who used to jump in with suggestions and not listen to what I was saying. She built up this picture of me in her mind and made suggestions accordingly, but they weren't really to do with what I was talking about. Eventually I gave up trying to talk to her.

The weird thing is she kept telling me that I was obsessed with the idea of getting married and would lecture me that things wouldn't be all sunshine and roses if I did. She kept on and on about this even though I kept telling her that I had given up looking for someone and I had never even mentioned the word "marriage".

Even though it had been 2 years since I'd given up. She just wouldn't listen to me, she just wanted to keep going with the picture of me she had created in her head.

It is frustrating when people don't listen.

I guess on this forum we might be able to offer some camaraderie. I focus on enjoying my life as it is. I used to think that if I gave up it meant that I was a failure, but now I realize that it just means that I can be happy as I am. I am open to the idea that someone might come along, but I have the outlook that it wouldn't be the end of the world if someone didn't come along.

I don't know if it just takes time to get into a comfortable place. I was disappointed and angry for a while, but now I am more settled and comfortable with my life.

Good lord, you could repurpose the whole thing for the stage. It's like the bit in TH White with the birds hanging onto the cliff.

What, you mean like this?







Not a bad idea.

I completely get where you're coming from. The frustration of knowing what *doesn't* work for you, and having everyone around you telling you to lower your expectations. I have lowered my expectations in the past, and it was pure shite for everyone involved.

I'm lucky in that I have a helpy person who is actually willing to listen to me and accept what I'm still in the process of accepting. I know she is somewhat invested in me not giving up all hope of having the future I'd once envisioned for myself, but she's also very supportive of me finding a way to feel okay about learning to live with what my future is more realistically likely to be. (Unfortunately, I can only see her once a month, and right about now I wish I could see her at least once a week, if not twice.)

Is there any chance of you going to a different therapist?

Yes, I'm wondering what it means. She said "helpy therapeutic people" doing their "job", so I'm assuming some sort of therapist or counselor, not friends or family members.
If so, maybe she needs to find a better one.

You can get better suggestions for your flesh & blood life from people in front of you than a support forum for a condition you haven't clarified your stance on. If you plan on giving up trying to talk to me, this wouldn't really be the place to be, would it now?