How do you reassure an NT partner?

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I have the perfect relationship, except that my partner does not understand my difficulty with social situations. How can I reassure her? We communicate fine on every other topic but not on this.

A typical example:
1. I have trouble at work
2. She says I should confront the boss
3. I explain why I cannot
4. The explanation makes no sense to her
5. She thinks I am not listening to her, or she picks up on something I said in a way I did not intend
6. we both feel awful because of the wall between us

If she has a weakness it is that she expects others to think like her. All her family is like that, and so they all fall out with each other. She is quick to assume motives in others. Also her last boyfriend left her and she never knew why. So she is hyper sensitive to people not being open. Yet when I try to explain my feelings we get an example like the one above.

The only thing that ever works is pretending to be happy. After a couple of weeks everything is perfect again. And I mean perfect: she is amazingly loving, kind, intelligent, etc. I hate faking happiness, but what other choice do I have? We are both broken people and need each other.

Any advice?

Get her a bottle of wine. Open it. Pour her a glass. Sit there and nod your head when she says things. Say "I know, right?" at the appropriate times. Let her drink the entire thing. Then help her to bed. Then rock her world. I promise, that will so, so help.

That is actually a very, very good idea. I pick her up from work tomorrow, and still have some money in the bank, so will see what is good quality and on offer. She knows I hate the stuff so if I drink a glass too it should break the ice. (She hasn't emailed or texted for 12 hours now which is a REALLY bad sign)

Thanks for the tip.

My partner is NT and it took some intense discussions and ocassional arguments to come to "agreement" (eg I don't understand him and he doesn't understand me). He did point out that I was so focussed on being Aspie and my problems I forgot about him. I said he could never understand me and he said well you can never understand me. He said I didn't listen to him and I said he didn't listen to me, both too focussed on our own problems. We didn't pretend though we both know that won't work, have to tell the truth and listen and respect each other. Oliveoilmom's advice is horrible advice, would you like to be treated like that? Yes dear and a pat on the head, I would be so disappointed if my partner did that and I would never want to have sex in a situation like that. So instead of wine and sex try talking, listening and then agreeing to differ. I love him and he loves me and I respect him, I think he respects me.

I want to talk. I agree. I just wish I knew how to. I find that just being careful what I say is the best I can ever hope for. Anything else has bad, bad results. Sucks. But that is life.

What are the bad bad results

Bad feeling, like in the example in the original post. It becomes a wall between us, and forces us apart. We are both lonely people and hate that more than anything.

I hate not being understood. But I have to get used to it. My ideas are just too different. The autism is just icing on the cake. It is nice to imagine a world where everybody has somebody who genuinely understands them, but that isn't always realistic.

That's kind of what I said to my partner "You just don't understand me" and he said "why is it just me? You don't understand me either". I don't, that's true, it's really difficult, I don't understand why hes upset but he says he doesn't understand why I'm upset. He says we should just try so that's what I do. I get frustrated but I suppose I see his point, he gets frustrated too. I do try to talk, it's hard.

Whenever you go to someone with a problem let the person know exactly what you want.
Either state that you want to vent or ask for a solution.
If they propose a solution thank them (they cared enough to try) and let them know that you will consider it out of respect.
If after consideration it doesn't work for you then don't worry about it.
If you still desire their help, ask if they can see any other solutions.

For her to become upset over you rejecting advice is silly. I don't think there is a need to get emotionally attached to the advice you pass along to others because ultimately what they do is their choice. Part of loving someone is accepting and embracing their free will.
As for you feeling like there is a wall, I think you're looking at it the wrong way. You will not always see eye to eye reguardless if the other person is NT or not. Instead of feeling isolated why not use those conversations to learn more about how the other one thinks and celebrate to the differences that make your relationship.

I agree, but to her the advice is so simple. She cannot understand how I find it difficult. It's such an easy thing to her. for me to reject such an "easy" thing distresses her.


Because that drives us apart. I have spent my whole life studying politics and economics in great depth. I see the world in a fundamentally different way from other people. I have completely different priorities. We pull in opposite directions. Focusing on that difference can only pull us apart. So when I try to understand my partner I just see an ever increasing distance, and when she trues to understand me she cannot: she has not even read the essays and books I have written, let alone understood them.

But when we avoid that stuff and focus on what we do have in common (alienation from others, the need to be with someone who understands alienation) then we do sort of OK. Which from what I see of the world is better than a lot of people. Our love is different, but it is deep and it it is real.

One idea could be to show her everything in this thread... Or just write down some things based around what you've said in here and show those to her.

The problem seems to be one of communication and understanding, I think you have communicated the problem very well here.

Maybe also show her a few more things on the internet to do with autism if that alone won't do it.

Keep trying to bridge the communication gap and if it really really is not going to work at all, try and reach a compromise where you both reach a state of acceptance that you will not fully understand the other (no two people ever truly do, just an approximation of understanding really), and communicate about what you would each like of the other person when a situation arises where you don't understand each other.

thanks

You say a lot about how you feel, about how you see things differently. Maybe you need to have a proper talk about the fact that you both see things differently. It's a 2way street. Irisindigo and Mugen have made good suggestions, I think you should take there advice. Its not really fair to her that you talk here but not to her, I look at things on here all the time, only posted because what you wrote rang a bell, but I still talk to my partner.

I'm sorry if I was unclear. We have talked at great length: that is the problem. Both in person and by email (She world offshore half of each month). I have laid out how I feel, much as I do here, on many occasions. She keeps all the emails. It was only after the fifth time, and the inevitable misunderstanding, that I realised that talking just was not working and I posted here. Right now thing are very good again, so I don't want to make things bad again by reopening old wounds.

What I've done in this case, with a female friend (I'm male), is to tell her I already tried confronting the boss and it backfired. It's not necessarily lying, although I always viewed it as a necessary evil in romantic relationships. (Mostly for preempting the yelling from your wife or girlfriend.) The key is to think of any little ways you actually tried to confront the boss: some counterargument you gave, something that you said wouldn't be a good idea, even a meek "I disagree". And believe it! This way, she's happy that you took her advice (read: listened to her), and the saying "happy wife, happy life" exists for a reason.

Having said that, lie as little as possible. Save it for moments when you really need it, like to preempt hours of yelling from your wife/girlfriend. Keeping your story straight forever takes a lot of mental effort. (The great memory aspies have comes in handy here.) Plus, it's all too easy to get confused in your own lies, get caught, and lose her trust as a result.

Thanks. I agree, that is the best way. And I don't have to lie: I am 45, and have a string of lost jobs because I either told the boss the truth (I thought I was being diplomatic) or I was faced with intense (to me) social pressure. The problem is, it seems crazy to most NTs. How could scenario X possibly be difficult? That's why I keep coming back to Wrong Planet. You guys understand.

I want to emphasise again though, that the problem in question was last week. Things have been much better since then. We had a sort of non-talk today: lots of cuddling, and talking about how neither of us is good at talking. I think I need to learn to communicate in ways that do not involve ten page emails or awkward pauses. This is probably good for both of us.