the jerk double standard

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so why can some men get away with being jerks
and other can't.Why are nice guy jerk worst
than Alpha/popular male jerk. How come
popular/attractive/smooth talkers guys
can be jerk and get away with it
but geeky/weird/unpopular guys can't.

It's not a double standard, women don't date alpha jerks because they are jerks, it's because of their other appealing qualities.

They like the fact the "jerk" has confidence, probably has a good body, often has money, has excellent interpersonal skills etc.

"Nice guy" Jerks have no other good qualities. If people are going to date jerks, they will choose the ones with good qualities.

Reason is bolded. Confidence display plus charm (even if fake).

good body and money help too. But its mainly the confidence display and charm.

They don't mind their "jerkiness," though, I have found.

I think it's an appealing challenge for some women to date guys who are edgy. Women like to try to "smooth the rough edges" of guys, while continuing to find the "rough edges" attractive.

Once success is achieved in this endeavor, women tend to find the "newly refined" guy boring. It's anticlimactic when the reason for the "challenge" is removed from the equation.

What's appealing is the process, not necessarily the result.

He is saying it's a double standard. "Nice guy" jerks simply don't have anything going for them at all.

The only time it would be a double standard is when they only date the guy for being a jerk, which, quite frankly, doesn't happen.

This guy sums it up better than I ever could. Well worth a read, just like everything on his site.
Link - Dr Nerdlove - Women Like a**holes (and other dating myths)

It's a double standard because sine women tolerate "jerkiness" in so-called Alpha males, while not tolerated it in "nice guys." They tolerate it; it's not the prime basis for their attraction, like you stated.

Then I was thinking: what is so unappealing about a "nice guy who doesn't evince any 'jerkiness'?" One could be nice and not be overweening. One could be nice, and have an "edge" philosophically, if not physically. One could even be nice and be good-looking--and not a jerk.

I, myself, don't seek to play the "jerk card."

My opinion, quit playing this stupid game, spin your own straw into gold and have fun like I said on my other thread. Be your own authentic person and question authority. Question religion, government and the cultural establishment. Turn on, Tune in, Drop Out. Use your own mind and think your own thoughts. Forget this whole mindless dating game and trying to be this inauthentic person.

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/42698-i ... o-question

I like it, I like it a lot.


I once asked a group of women why women tend to be attracted to jerks. One replied that it's because if they're a jerk in general but they treat a girl nicely, that girl will feel special.

Another factor I've noticed in my own judgement of people - when a really nice person says something kind of mean to me, I can be quite hurt by it. On the other hand I have friends who say AWFUL things to me in jest (one called me a ret*d fa***t because I don't have interest in casual sex I told her she was a fat b***h and nobody liked her because she had pancake tits. I would never speak this way to anyone else, but it's the kind of friendship we have) but I expect it from them and know that their true inner opinion is nowhere near as terrible, abrasive or closed-minded as what they are saying out loud. I also become kind of desensitised to what this person says...

I also think there's a subconscious element with it to do with power/dominance/being an "alpha".

I don't play into any of that BS but I have noticed it a lot and thought about it a little.

They tolerate it simply because they don't want to risk losing a catch with the positive traits. It's really that simple.

In my opinion, the best catch is a confident and friendly beta male.

Last edited by hale_bopp on 15 May 2014, 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Women like that are pretty much brain dead. Anyone with half a brain knows that he can't and won't play that facade forever.

What you describe is a well-observed phenomena that has occurred for centuries. I think it may actually be fundamental instinct. In primitive times, the self-centered jerk would't share fairly during food gathering, he would grab all that he could. Where the guy who simply gets his fair share had less. Of course, when the jerk got back to his mud hut, he ate first, but there were a lot of leftovers for his woman and kids. However, the nice guy would share fairly, but everyone ended up with less. So, I think natural selection and evolution may have selected women who gravitate toward jerks. There is an old saying, "Women don't respect nice guys." Let's face it, during primitive times, nice guys never got the lion's share of the brontosaurus (*). And so, the nice guy's family had less bronto on the table.

I'm a nice guy and take pride in being so. However, I experimentally was a purposeful jerk to one of my girlfriends. For instance, she invited me to her place for supper and I was very well fed. After the meal, I went to the couch, sat down, and started watching TV. She asked me to help clean up and I responded "I came over here to eat, not to do dishes." She seems a little annoyed, but I had validated myself, which was more important to her. So, in that relationship, I continued to be a first-class jerk and, in many ways, it was the best relationship I've had - she respected me. Many women have been proud of my intelligence, education, and career, but none has respected me the way that woman did. Seriously speaking, with most women, nice guys are fools. Be a proficient jerk first, then work on other areas of development. Get in touch with your inner jerk. If you are already a jerk, start working on the attractive goodies. Myself, I've got a Harley Davidson Fat Boy. That women was the first I was a real jerk to, and I haven't done so since, but I'd definitely consider being a first-class jerk in future relationships.

* The bronto thing is a metaphor. I full realize the brontos were long extinct before humans came to being.

If a guy said that to me and wasn't joking I would unload the dirty dishes onto his lap.

Well...I could go into the supermarket, get lots of steaks and pasta and veggies, and cook lots of food. My lady would never go hungry. I might not have been the best hunter in prehistoric days--but I'm the best food getter right now for my lady. And I don't need to play the "jerk" card.

I promise you, I felt terrible saying that. But, some friends convinced me to give it a try. I had helped her with dishes before. That night, on the way to her house, I tried to think of the most unappreciative self-centered jerkish thing I could say. And, that is what occurred to me. It worked perfectly, which seems counterintuitive, but is was observably effective. We never had a close bond, but she respected me and was very comfortable with me. That was before I found out I'm autistic. Something just occurred to me - maybe being a jerk offset the effects of my autism. Usually, women who aren't comfortable with my autism characterize me as an irritating jerk. But, the woman I treated unappreciatively saw me as a cute and attractive jerk. Hmmm. I'm thinking. I'm really thinking about this. Maybe, I need to take my own advise.

Post edit: I just changed "the woman I treated disrespectfully saw me as a cute and attractive jerk" to "the woman I treated unappreciatively saw me as a cute and attractive jerk". That is a bit more accurate.

Last edited by SoftwareEngineer on 15 May 2014, 9:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, the game is afoot.