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Last edited by marshall on 28 May 2014, 10:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think it depends on the personality and how the relationship grows and develops over time.

A person who's been the victim of sexual abuse, he or she may not choose to give up a sex life.

He or she probably does want to know that a potential friend or a potential sex partner gets angry in a basically sane manner, and can channel their anger in some kind of constructive or neutral fashion, something like that.

They may not have to give up sex entirely. There's a thing called compromise. There's more than one way to please someone. There's also medications to increase sex drive. It just seems a relationship not based so much on intense sexual attraction would be healthier anyways. Sex really mucks things up in a lot of cases. People marry people they don't really like or get along with as a person, simply because they're sexually attracted. It's like chasing after instant gratification. It's all about the whirlwind of intense emotions, not genuine love. Once their feelings fade, people realize they have nothing in common and wind up in a messy divorce situation, usually after they've already had children.


Someone who has been abused or used is quite justified in being extremely angry when triggered. It's a lot easier to quell anger if you at least feel understood and respected. People who have no idea what PTSD is like tend to act in a judgmental way that escalates anger.

Hard to say. Having been assaulted doesn't mean that the victim will have no interest in sex.

Having been sexually assaulted myself I hate the words victim and survivor, but my situation was rather odd and I don't feel this forum is the correct place to expand on it. And I still have a healthy interest in sex thank you very much.

Not all asexuals have no interest in sex. We're very unlikely to be out-of control horny males who refuse to stop when they make a woman uncomfortable. Not saying all males with a high sex drive are as*holes. There are plenty of males with a high sex drive that are decent human beings with self-control and respect. It's just that I see it can be hard to trust a man of normal or high sex drive when you've had the experience of men playing "nice" and sociable, only to turn into a beastly creep when a woman says she isn't interested in sex AT THAT MOMENT. I've seen women complain that men interpret saying NO to sex on a first, second, third, etc... date as rejection. That's ridiculous. A lot of men are unable to take the time to actually get to know a woman as a person before attempting sex, and whine about the "friend zone". As an gray-asexual person I could care less about the "friend zone". I'm okay with female friends who don't want to have sex with me. I only get hurt when someone doesn't want to be even be friends because romance didn't work out. I suppose it's awkward for women to spend too much time with a guy they have mixed feelings about "liking". That's my experience anyways.

I don't care for them either, but I don't know what other word to use that doesn't sound patronizing or piss someone off somehow. I don't expect you to share anything. I also never implied anyone had to have no interest in sex. There's always a thing called compromise. I don't see why the world has to be so black-and-white about everything. I already expected this thread was going to potentially offend someone. I expect to have someone come and bite my head off. I'm trying my hardest to be respectful.

I don't think men are as*holes, but I have dated a few like you describe above. With all the chatter about the Isla Vista killer, it's got me wondering if sex and women are perhaps not the same thing to some men. In such a scenario, women are the keepers of what these men desire, not the object of desire. As I read this it sounds cold, but it has been my experience that when men want sex they become less concerned wih my desires. Sex is more about their gratification then any shared closeness of experience. But my experience is limited.

Maybe that means they're just not good at sex. It's supposed to be something mutually enjoyable, not something one partner just puts up with. It seems like with men the term "sexual experience" is about how many times they've had sex, not whether they're even doing it right.

Honestly, I think the question is really odd, dangerous even, and I had to read more of the thread to get an idea of why you might be asking it.

I don't think anyone should be posting on a public message board anything that could be construed as a roadmap for attracting a former victim of abuse. There are too many people who would be happy to misuse that knowledge.

Hence, I will not answer the question you asked.

But I get the sense that what you really want to know is if there is a pool of women who are more likely than others to accept your level of disinterest in sex. Yes, I am sure there is, but I don't think you are going to find something in their history that made them that way; I think that they were generally born that way. And as with all things dating, you kind of have to find out these things out the same way you figure most dating issues out: by getting to know someone.

i have known a (thankfully) small subset of men who seem to desire not so much an intimate exchange of pleasure with another human being as a warm piece of meat to basically masturbate themselves on--and this is what they call "sex". to most people the term sex indicates at least a measure of human intimacy; while for some, the idea of intimacy never seems to enter into their consideration. i'm not sure what the roots of this are: likely they are many and complexly intertwined--too much so for me to desire to detangle any sense from them. i just know i do all i can to avoid those guys when i encounter them.

If this thread is offensive the moderators can delete it. I actually feel pretty horrible. The idea that people will think i'm wanting to take advantage of someone is making a knot in my stomach. Maybe someone just delete this thread and forget I ever made it.


People are that way for all kinds of reasons. Finding anyone is way harder than you think. People just aren't open about it at all. There's asexual dating sites but your unlikely to find anyone remotely close on those. It's also a bigger issue if you're not sure how asexual you really are. It's possible to become sexually attracted once you're close to someone and feel comfortable with them when you never felt that way before.

Honestly, I do not want to make you feel horrible. You were trying to ask an honest question. All I meant to do was point out the other ways it could be construed because, well, how will you know if friendly people don't? EVERYONE makes mistakes, and they aren't worth letting yourself get tied up in knots for. You can still rephrase and edit your post to convey more accurately what your purpose really is. You may be able to edit the title, as well (I can't remember if members have access to that for the 7 days as well).

I KNOW you didn't mean to cause problems by asking. I KNOW you aren't looking to hurt anyone. These are the kinds of things that happen when you have communication issues, right? I am not upset at you or by the fact you made a mistake, but I did feel I needed to point out the problem and confusion. It's OK, honestly.

I don't think so. The reality is not the same as the perception. He could be asexual, but how is she to know that he is really asexual and won't try to assault her? She can't know for sure. Once you have experienced trauma, you learn to be suspicious. I don't think it is about who the guy is (in reality) but about her past experiences.

I have to be honest (as a male survivor of sexual abuse), I am attracted to women who are the most likely to abuse me. I've noticed that a lot of female sexual abuse survivors are the same way. It's a strange phenomenon.

Honestly, I don't know how I could have worded it. Honestly, the whole concept of this thread now seems offensive to me. Unless proven otherwise I'm a sexual predator. I'm not being sarcastic. I really can't blame anyone for thinking so. You can't know.


I know you're not upset at me, and didn't mean to do anything, but I still have a massive amount of shame. It looks irrational to you, but maybe there's something wrong with me emotionally and I can't help it.