Folks, I'm stuck

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This is my dilemma:

I hear all the time that in order to love another person, you must first love yourself. We should be happy people on our own and a relationship is just bonus. Thing is, I love everything about myself except my poor social skills and feeling that I'm unable to get a girlfriend if I wanted one, which I do. I don't know how to approach women, talk to them, ask them out, all that. Because of my poor social skills, I've been depressed for the past 4 years. The only solution I can think of to escape this depression is to get some success with dating and convince myself that I'm desirable for that reason, but I'm not feeling happy enough with myself to try approaching someone. I feel it would be unfair\unattractive to approach someone while I'm feeling this way.

I have very little relevant life experience and I need to be told what I should do.

I've had a lot of girlfriends and some of them for a matter of years. Now that I've been diagnosed, I feel klutzy. So, I know what you mean. This may sound strange, but why not try ignoring your autism and just boldly going for it? That is what I obliviously did for years.

You won't get anywhere until you deal with the actual problem, which is your self esteem.

It's not your "poor social skills" that's the problem, it's the fact you're beating yourself up over it.

The best way to do it is to go out into the world and learn. You're gonna make several mistakes learning social skills and it's a part of life. It's easier said than done when you're depressed but we all have to do it.

This is what I do not grasp. Why do you consider poor self-esteem as the antecedent instead of the consequent?

Why look at the emotion itself instead of the causes of the emotion?

It's like you're saying that hunger causes one to lack food? I don't get it.

My self-esteem in all other areas is fine, and I don't know how to improve my self-esteem towards dating without some indication that I'm not bad at it. Any ideas?

I found out I am autistic a little over two years ago. I tried compensating for it and being extra considerate, both of which backfired. Be yourself and proceed undaunted. If ten women treat you like crap, eighty aren't interested, nine like you, except you're not the right guy, but one works out, that is entire success.

Hunger and food is not the same as people's emotions. I didn't say it was a universal law.
The point is, it's the same as relying on a prevention as opposed to a cure.

Both work, but one is more effective than the other.

If you sort yourself out and learn to be in control of your own self estem, then the problem is able to be dealt with without relying on others. If you rely on a short terms "cure" for your self esteem, whether or not the problem is actually fixed is OUT of your control, all it might take is a girl who said "you're cute" to say "I was wrong about you, you're not cute" to completely destroy the person again.

Basically, if you want to control your self esteem, you have to fix yourself.
If you want other people in control of it, you don't have to fix yourself.

The first option takes more work, but the reward is greater.
The second option is much easier, but you have to be prepared for people to break you on a regular basis.

Hale_Bopp, I have problems thinking in this way. Emotional language is like a foreign language for me. Until about a year ago when people talked about positivity and negativity I thought they were talking in math and logical terms.

It would help if I had specific examples of both the first and second option.

Cubedemon. I'm not sure where you are asking for the help, but when I read, "try and fix yourself, don't rely on others to do it for you" this thought occurred to me.

Two people meet and they get a long just fine. They aren't looking for love, but they somehow find it within each other. Things go well and and the two are never bored and are always having a good time around eachother. This seems like the ideal relationship. But what happens when one person totally relies on the other to make them happy? The person that is being relied on feels very stressed and all the pressure is on them to make sure the other person is always happy. Not an ideal relationship to be in for the majority of people I know.

I'm in a similar situation as yourself. I am essentially living out my dreams right now, aside from my lack of romantic success. I have been trying to remain optimistic about my chances, but it is quite difficult when you have known nothing but rejection in that area your whole life, and nothing you do seems to yield any improvements.

My advice to you is the same advice that I give to myself: to never give up hope, and to constantly strive to better yourself as a person. Mold yourself into a person worth knowing - if you develop enough interesting characteristics, your lack of social skills will not be as much of a hindrance. Learn from your past mistakes and keep in mind that your challenges are only transitory.

I would disagree with some of the previous advice. Humans are social creatures who crave interaction with others. Countless studies have shown that those who are in happy relationships, or those who have several close friends, are the most satisfied with life. Close relationships have been clinically proven to improve life expectancy, decreases stress levels, and improve your overall emotional and mental well-being.

The OP said specifically that he is perfectly content with his life aside from his romantic issues, so in that context I personally think that finding a partner would be one of the best ways for him to boost his happiness and enjoyment in life.

Last edited by Stargazer43 on 20 May 2014, 9:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think I understand. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradox_of_hedonism

Let's say a is represents love, pleasure, etc

b is the catalyst that leads to a.

if one tries to pursue a more than likely he won't obtain a.

If one does a more than likely he will be able to have b.

It doesn't have to be a paradox.

Someone has to have the power to break the circle and say, "hey, no-one will date me, but you know what? That doesn't make me worthless and useless!" - and actually believe it.

It can be done. That's what support people are for.

Do you think I'm overthinking and over-complicating the issue then?

What gives a person worth or is worth intrinsic?

Thinking in a different way gives them worth. Worth is nothing but a self perception.

A lot of people absolutely love themselves and think they're great and important when I don't think they are either of those.

But you know what? It works in their favour.

You're failing to address the untapped, intricate and absolutely insane power of the human mind.

If others don't think I'm great and important and I think I'm great and important then wouldn't I be denying reality itself? Wouldn't I be accepting delusion? I don't follow this whole train of thought. You say it works in their favor. How? What is the mechanism? What premise(s) am I working under are faulty? I don't get it and I am really confused or is worth relative?



Meaning?