I like to think that I'm good at masking my "shortcomings". I've found that people don't think you're entirely weird if they think you're very passionate about the work you do, very busy and as a result a bit abrupt at times and a bit standoffish because you have so many things on your mind. Acting like this long enough does mean you stop acting and start living your persona though, which I suppose turns an act into a perfect disguise.
Up until a few years ago I had no interest in romance and felt little need for sharing my life with anyone. Then my sister got married and had a son. My nephew (who also has been diagnosed with asperger's) and I get on extremely well and spend a great deal of time together. The rest of the family don't always understand us but we function on the same wavelength and share an obsession with helicopters. Now I've begun to feel that I want someone I can confide in, who confides in me. Someone who wants to have long conversations yet doesn't feel uncomfortable with long silences. Someone to share a life with me without feeling the need to live in each others pockets 24/7. Most of all, someone I can become a father with.
Today one of my work colleagues was speaking to me after a meeting we'd had. She's very heavily pregnant but worries that people will think she's being difficult if she asks for any concession that would make her more comfortable. I as a result have become very protective of her while trying very hard not to be too obvious about it which may make her uncomfortable around me, I may be over analysing here but that's just me. We lost our meeting room to a client discussion and as a result we held our meeting in a place where we were all forced to stand. I should have been paying more attention but was having a nightmare day and was very distracted so 20 minutes into the meeting I noticed how standing still for a while was really bugging her and I also knew she wouldn't say anything for the remaining 40 minutes of the meeting. So I ask that we postpone it as I had a serious muscle spasm in my leg and was having difficulty standing. Everyone else was very apologetic that they'd forgotten about my cerebral palsy, which I almost never mention and were happy to move the meeting to Monday. I hung back as everyone walked out and asked her if she was feeling okay. She said she was sure I didn't really had a muscle spasm because she'd seen me watching her before I stopped the meeting. She thanked me though and then told me about how her son was really kicking the heck out of her which was the main reason she had begun to get uncomfortable. Then proceeded to tell me all about how amazing it was to be pregnant and how much she was enjoying it, even though she got kicked occasionally.
I smiled at her and said she shouldn't feel that looking after herself was an admission of weakness. Inside I was being tied up in knots by our discussion though. I want to share that experience with someone so badly that it hurts inside but I don't have the first clue how to begin. I have no instincts when it comes to gauging people in most non work related situations. Today may not have gone as well had it not been for that fact that I feel strongly that pregnant women should be looked after and felt confident saying so but... Having never had much of an interest I didn't study the way people initiate romantic relationships while I was growing up. Now I find that I literally can't speak if I even consider entering into a discussion with romantic intentions even though at work people consider me to be eloquent, even tempered, virtually unflappable and the person they most want next to them in a client meeting because no question causes me to lose confidence or composure. How is it possible that I can speak to the CEO's of Fortune 500 companies without any problem but stop breathing at just the thought of asking someone to have coffee with me?
Just in case you're concerned, I have no intention of asking the pregnant lady out. She's very happily married and I hope she will forever remain so. I want to have what she and her husband have though and I don't know how to get there. No one outside my family is aware of my asperger's and so people probably think I've been concentrating on my career. I also look a lot younger than I am so people say, I know you don't think about marriage now but it'll happen one day soon don't worry about it. I'm almost 40 years old and I'm not sure there are a whole lot more one days left before I'm regretting what I should have done in my many yesterdays.
If you're still awake after that mini novel and have any suggestions I'm all ears. Thanks.
23 May 2014, 4:47 pm
welcome to the club 
sorry but I am fairly deer-in-the-headlights when it comes to relationships. 
