how to tell that someone with autism/asperger is in love?

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Hi,

Since a few months i know a young man i really like, and i feel he had aspergers.
I am not sure and i did not ask yet. But my dad has aspergers and i recognize a lot.

We know eacht other from real life. Sometimes we chat, but this man almost never sends me a message. I almost always have to initiate it first. Then i wait a few days, get upset that he doesn't ask me how i am doing or why i wasn't at a social gathering. Then i think, well, i just send him a message.

I normally never do that with man, it has te be a ping-pong thing. But because i expected him to have autism - i just thought what the heck when i just write more often. When i contact him he is always happy to chat and now he also wants the two of us to meet to programm together. Also at his place or mine. He also asked me to have dinner with him. And asked me for a weekend to go to a computerfestival.

But how do i know he likes me as a friend or as more than a friend? He is sociable, but some things he does not "return" or "initiate" that are very normal between NT's. He can also be very involved when he is talking with someone and then forgets to call me to say the location of the programming meetup has changed. That is pretty weird to me.

How is that for you? Maybe you have some clues ?

Thanks!

That's really a difficult question. I hope the like/love is requited. He seems like a good, gentle person. Do you have an intellectual connection with him?

Perhaps he's not really that great at showing his true feelings. Perhaps he would be delighted in your efforts at "bringing him out." Perhaps he would be flattered by the attention.

I'm thinking, also, that you find this to be an inspiring challenge. What would happen if he all of a sudden showed definite interest in you? I hope everything wouldn't just fizzle out.

I've experienced something like this. I was shy for a while, truly shy within an interaction with a lady. Then I sensed that the lady truly liked me, and I liked her, and I started initiating contacts. Immediately after I started initiating contact, the lady totally lost interest. She didn't see obtaining my affection as being a challenge any longer.

Kiwikiwi is a nice screen name, by the way. New Zealand is a beautiful country, especially the southern part of it.

Maybe you two could attend a lecture which pertains to your common interests. I realize you wanted to program together. A discussion amongst two intelligent people will ensue. This might open the guy up. He'll feel a commonality with you.

Maybe you could find another common interest, where you two could have a meal together afterwards--like a date.

As someone with Aspergers, I would often find myself disappointed in love because I thought I was showing interest but could never make the first move. Perhaps he's just struggling to show you emotion, as I know that was a major problem of mine (my fiancee pretty much had to tell me 'Let's date' or 'Kiss me'). Also, he's probably missing the clues because if he's like me, he's probably not picking up that you're sending clues (I had a few women come back to me years later to tell me "I used to like you, but you'd never notice when I was flirting with you or showing interest so I gave up"). My advice is to be bold and take the first step, like Kraftiekortie mentioned. Invite him somewhere like a discussion or something you both enjoy. Maybe even make a few obvious hints that you like him (like "Man, I really enjoy our time together" or something like that).

Also, good luck.

I'm autistic and I've had a bunch of girlfriends. What I've done is develop some personal cues and ways of communicating that work for both. Mind you, I did most of this before I found out I'm autistic. But, you just associate some things with the some meaning as 'I love you." That can be a particular touch or poke. Or, a sound. Soon, it becomes second nature.

Thanks for your messages.

To answer some questions (try to keep this short ): yes, i have also an intellectual connection with him, and an ethical one too. I feel very at home with him and very attracted to him. We have great humor together and are both sensitive. Some lifegoals are similar too, or would fit well together. We have similar interests too, but he only has very few he concentrates on (on his "planet"). I have many, that i think he will enjoy too. He is also eager to learn and more often asks me if i can teach him things (the strangest things!), as he teaches me about subject i know less about.

As i had more relationships, i do know i can give a lot and be there for someone. But i am also looking after for myself. Can he give me (back) what i need? Is he autistic or just a very egoistic man? Maybe it is better to leave it at a friendship?

I don't think i see this as a challenge which i will quit if i win the prize. That can happen sometimes, without intent mostly (but it is sad for the other person). I don't think that will be the case, but it will be hard for me sometimes to live with some autistic traits. If he is loyal, faithfull and i am his number 1 that might hopefully work

It is a good idea to do something together, we already had plans. But he does not reply since a few days and i have no idea if that is because he is busy, if i am not a priority, or if he expects a message of me because i always write him, or that he is mad for some other reason. (This last 2 things would be weird for NT's, but i have a feeling he really is like that).

My main question is: how do autistic/asperger men show that they are in love?
Do you do more for a woman you like than for other women? How do you know she is the special on? Or do you hide? What do or did you do? How do you treat them differently from other women?

Of course I do more for a lady whom I like, more than just some random person.

I get the feeling you should make the overture--even though it's counterintuitive. Even though it might become tiring for you to make all the effort.

It's understandable if you desire for him to do some of the work as well. It's about equality, really--and democracy--and fairness.

There's actually a movie about a woman who falls for a rather severely Aspergian male. I'll have to get the title of it.

The movie is called "Adam." It was made in 2009. You should see it to gain a bit of insight into relationships with Aspergian men.

In my history at least, I was never good at showing affection until I knew the other person was attracted to me, just out of fear of rejection and the social barrier that was hard to overcome. I also had major difficulties distinguishing women who were attracted to me and simply wanted to be friends. All three women I dated pretty much had to make the first effort. My first girlfriend asked me out, my second had her friend tell me to ask her out and my current fiancee pretty much told me "I like you, we should date". It may seem weird, but I think he may be like me where he's having trouble distinguishing whether you're just being a good friend or there's something more going on. I know it may seem peculiar, but try being obvious with your attraction or making the first move. Once he knows for sure you like him like that and won't get mad at him for liking you back, I'm sure he'll be able to show affection towards you.

As far as ASD love goes, I had some difficulty showing my fiancee I cared early on, but once we kinda got over the clumsy initial phase I was able to shower her with love and affection (bringing her roses, writing her poetry, etc). You may have to make the moves yourself, but once you get there it will be a happy time.

@ kraftiekortie, thanks for the movie title. How was it for you to see a movie like this?

Yes, you are right it feels counter-intuitive to always contact him. Even though i have no problem to make the first contact with a man, and be active in that. But when a man didn't message me back 3 times (max!) in a row he was out.
I only keep on spamming (that is how it feels sometimes) K. because i expect him to have aspergers. Then it is not his fault. Everytime i message him he reacts with smilies and we chat until he has to go to sleep. But when i don't send a chatmessage he doesn't eather. Sometimes he asks me: "what do you expect of me?".

@ JerryM
Thank you for your story. Do you think the way you feel love is different? Do you ping-pong? It is a surprise to me, but i did not know people with aspergers wrote poetry. I just never expected that. (Even though my father writes well...) That is interesting. When i think about it is a great way to express yourself.

For me it is also being afraid to be hurt. I guess it is also a fear that he forgets about me when i'm not there. Being afraid he like someone else more (negative mindset).
But when i think back a see some clues that he likes me (positive mindset). Aargh!

He just does not behave like normal friends do. If you have a party and you would meet with a friend there, wouldn't you send a text message if that friend wouldn't show up? He doesn't. It is as if he is so in the moment, that he is happy if you are there. If you're not there, it seems he is sad or upset but he does not act on it!

People with Asperger's run the gamut. Some of the greatest poets, some of the greatest engineers, some of the greatest scientists could be "retrospectively" diagnosed with Asperger's, or are actually diagnosed with it.

Asperger's as a diagnostic entity really didn't take hold until around 1994.

I, myself, am a genius in nothing--but I do possess a decent knowledge-base of a liberal arts nature.

When I saw "Adam," I felt sorry for the guy in a way--but I was also envious of his apparent abilities.

The girl wasn't bad-looking, either!

Scientist, Engineers i understand, but poets...

American movies almost always have people in it that are a little too beautifull, with great abilies and a happy end. I am not so into romantic movies too. But I am curious how "Adam" is. Might see it this weekend.

You should read some of the poetry in the Arts Subforum (I forgot the exact name of the forum).

John Keats, perhaps, could retrospectively be diagnosed as one with Asperger's. I wouldn't be surprised if William Blake filled the bill as well. Some of the Romantic poets (like Keats), it seemed to me, had sensory-type symptoms.

Yeah, to be honest poetry helps me express my feelings without the awkward tongue twisting that usually happens when I try to tell someone something. I started writing as a means of expressing some of my feelings in a confidential, safe way (I can always change words after re-reading them, I can't take back words that have come out wrong) and I've found a lot of Aspie writers, as it feels like the barrier that presents itself normally is gone when you can just type what you mean instead of talk (I used to annoy friends cause I'd ask them to hop on a chat room when we were sitting right next to each other).

Back on topic, I couldn't honestly say I feel different about my fiancee than my friends and their lovers. I may have trouble expressing it sometimes and I might miss social cues from her but that doesn't change the way I feel about her and I still show her that I care. I think the biggest issue we have is communication, because there are times I just feel I can't say what I have on my mind but that is in no way her fault (it's something I've been trying to work on). Or the necessary alone time to decompress social anxiety that my fiancee doesn't seem to understand. I understand you're afraid of getting hurt and that's completely natural. But honestly, most of the AS people I've met have been extremely loyal and caring, even if they have difficulty showing it.

As far as not texting you or forgetting about you, I highly doubt that's because he doesn't like you or likes someone else. It's likely due to the inability to pick up social cues that comes with a lot of AS people. In fact, to say he's "so in the moment" is pretty defining of AS people (we're often lost in our own thoughts). He might even think that he's stepping over boundaries or pestering you by texting you too often. Take a few months ago for example. My best friend went to lunch the same time I went home from work. Instead of staying and hanging out with them, I went home. I got a text message asking where I was and why I left. To me, I felt as though I'd be overstepping my boundaries or inconveniencing them and didn't really realize it was a viable option. It wasn't until they pointed out "hey man, what happened?" that I noticed and felt bad. It's more likely that he doesn't notice or is absorbed in thought, rather than trying to snub you or reject your advances.

Good luck and if you have any more questions, feel free to ask.

How can someone be mad at someone else for being liked. Furthermore, why or how does someone get to a position where they feel bad for liking someone or was it feeling like someone would not like you for liking them? Whatever or both. But i have never heard that yet it has a air of familiarity to it. (I have learned recently you cannot describe what you have never seen before which this mechanism may fit super well). Not to be off topic but i think that is important to address somewhere.

To answer: i go out of my way to show i care because i dont say thank yous or ask out women or buy sweet stuff to break the next day (i buy functional stuff). I respond almost immediately as soon as i know i have a message. I just do not have anyway to speak about confessing love or anything. Although i can answer yes and no questions regardless, but that may not be common to anyone in the world (or yours) except me. One last thing. I connect soul to soul with that person and become more passionate and will sometimes just not shut up/listen to much and not talk because im listening really hardly. (2nd pun.) i will just have a harmonizing vibe because of the honesty and talking. Idk anything though, never dated. I make out mental schematics and map people. We are really pretty basic as a cog set as far as formulae and plug and play mathmatics. So my speculation is pretty much in the ball park.

I agree strongly with loyalty. It is solid and reliable and we can control it and it is ours and we shall call it george and feed it, and walk it....to some i believe it is a solid anchor and to the worst in the spectrum it definately is a lifesaver to help pull them to reality. Tether seems to fit. Of course you probably knew that being as aware you are and communicative.