Told This By a Married Woman and a Question About It

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I was recently chatting with a married female coworker about my dating life and she told me "you know what your problem is? You are a typical guy in his early 30s." In other words, my behavior is not that abnormal and her husband acts in much the same way at times. I have heard similar things from other married female coworkers so this wasn't her just trying to be nice.

My question would be why can't she see the obvious that regardless of anything else, he at least got married. Even getting a date to commit to #2 is a nightmare to me and God help me in trying to determine if a lady is interested. If I truly am a typical male, why do all the other "typical" guys manage to get into relationships and get married? He might be clueless, he might be immature and be obsessed with sports but what is it that he and other men have that I don't? Is it the body posture? Is it that I am too intense? Do I try too hard? I'm stumped!

Typical as opposed to what? That is such a vague statement and doesn't help you in any manner.

Having Asperger's makes you NOT a typical guy. If she doesn't know that it's not worth explaining to her.

As for the question 'What am I doing wrong?', I have no way to know if you even ARE doing something wrong, let alone how to fix it. Getting a girl is nothing like fixing a car or installing a computer program and nobody can really talk you through it.

What I can tell you is that most guys who are married or have girlfriends never had "Get a girlfriend/wife" as a specific goal. It's a lot like achieving enlightenment in that trying to do it doesn't make it easier and, in fact, can make it harder.

You can PM me if you'd like to talk more.

They're right, the other posts I mean, in that there's two things going on here.
One is someone who doesn't actually know you giving you advice.
Two is that going off of advice from someone who doesn't know the situation is confusing at best.

I think she was saying (not very well) was that anyone who wants to be in a relationship with another person would do well to be involved and pay tender attention to the other person a great deal, and that her husband perhaps doesn't pay her as much attention as she'd like.

Good points. I suppose she means typical in that my "flaws" are typical of ALL men. I haven't told her I have Aspergers but have told her about social awkwardness, sensory issues and anxiety I deal with.

Good point. Maybe this was her indirect way of saying that women like attention and adoration. This goes back to the reason why I avoid online dating: genuinely compliment a girl there and they will runaway. Have to remind myself in a relationship the girl will want to be told she is pretty, kind, etc.

My husband and I first met when we were 32 or so, started dating at 34, and were married at 36. You've got time

Why that two year delay between meet and date? Because he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship, not that I knew it at the time.

I don't think it is worth worrying about "what your problem is." Sometimes we just aren't meant to be in a relationship at this moment in time, or truly have simply not yet run into the person we are meant to be with.

My biggest regret from my single years is simply that I spent way too much time worried about my single status, and not enjoying the benefits that can come with it (time for art and hobbies, and so on).

Honestly, I have no idea precisely what that co-worker meant, and probably she doesn't either. Somewhere in that conversation you said something that reminded her of other men your age, and that was probably her "light bulb" moment. Except life doesn't happen that way.

If there was one single, obvious and correctable impediment, hopefully she would have tactfully pointed that out. Since she didn't, you probably should just chalk it all up to the frustrating but true, "simply have not met the right person yet."

(although the point about paying enough attention to your date - caring about what she wants and needs, instead of yours - is certainly always valid and solid advice)

Some girls do and some girls don't. What they really want is to feel valued, and different women have different buttons when it comes to that. Which is hard for you, of course, because you can't read it.

But you CAN spend most of a first date showing genuine interest in your date by asking her questions, giving positive responses to her answers, and showing that you are listening by providing thoughtful follow up questions. Eventually you can sneak in that you aren't good at reading people so if she wants something from you, you prefer she simply be direct about it.

This is probably it, meeting the right person among many others that are not compatible or available. Although, I am still trying to figure out the same for myself. I am trying right now to just meet people through meetup groups, since all the cliché dating approaches have so far been only frustrating.

Thank you for the thoughtful feedback! You are probably right in that I just am only now getting ready to be marriage material. There can be little doubt while I am caring, sensitive, thoughtful, etc my obsessive interests ALWAYS came first no matter what throughout my 20s and I would have ended up divorced unintentionally because I didn't understand a woman's emotional needs.

I agree with what you are saying but since I am terrible at reading women, slow to warm to strangers and terrible at faking things, it's hard to do on the first date. I honestly don't care a whole lot what a woman is interested in as it is not relevant to me, just as most men don't need to know about tampons or heels. I have my hockey and that's my guy's night out and while I would love to have her come watch, she doesn't have to have any interest at all for the relationship to work as long as she accepts it and doesn't try to force me to give it up.

You are correct in that I probably just haven't met the right person yet (since I have never met a woman I truly "felt" it with yet, even my ex). I just hope that woman exists and hasn't given up either. What curses me is that my parents were 22 and 19 when they were married and 23 and 20 as parents and my emotionally immature brother got hitched at 27 and I am always comparing myself to others. I know, I know terrible thing to do.

I once saw a YouTube video about an inspiring man who died of Pancreatic Cancer in 2008 and gave an amazing final lecture in 2007. I believe his name was Randy Pausch. Couldn't help but notice the similarities between him and I and how his wife mentioned in an interview he was (I believe) 34 when they met and that he had never been in a serious relationship before. He might have passed away but he was an amazing person and a devoted family man, even with his inexperience. The way he treated his wife and spoke of her is the kind of life I would love to have. I suppose the rational side of me thinks about how the stars practically have to align but like my physics whiz brother told me "Given our knowledge the Universe should have ended millions of times by now... there is something going on FAR beyond our understanding."

Giant, she most probably means that you are boring (in a non rude way), sorry but I can't interpret it other than that.

True.

As for that first date ... there has to be SOMETHING each date is interested in that you have at least some passing ability to ask questions about and show real interest with, so just keep asking questions (and do try to remember the answers!). If you really can't fake a second question on a topic, just say, "cool, so what is your favorite ______________?" or "interesting, hey, do you like ________________ ?"

Nor is it unreasonable to ask her how she sees relationships, and how many shared interests she thinks a couple should have. Sounds to me like you are looking for a woman who likes her independence as much as you do, and won't want to do EVERYTHING together. Asking those questions in the right way will show some interest in who she is AND let you figure out if you two could be compatible in a way that works for you.

And if you are going to run comparisons - keep my sister (married at 42) and the guy you talked about in your post in mind, not your immediate family

I disagree. For the record.

I bet by a 90% that she meant boring.

She could easily have meant (based on things I've noticed in some men of that age, but certainly not all):
1. Overly interested in things women that age are not (like sports)
2. Not interested enough in what someone else might like
3. Busy with a career and putting other things second
4. Wanting a girlfriend for the benefits more than for the person
5. Not having a clue what women really want from a date
6. Not standing out from the crowd and, thus, simply not getting noticed (and no one can be boring until they've been noticed and their personality revealed)
7. Doesn't think very many single guys that age really want relationships and/or are as ready for them as they like to think
8. Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars

None of that is boring, although most aren't exactly signals of relationship material.

GiantHockyFan does not sound boring at all to me, just, well, maybe not quite in a boyfriend mindset yet. There is a HUGE difference.

And, really, if anyone is going to get inside the head of a married woman we've never met, is more likely to be you or me?

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 28 May 2014, 4:21 pm, edited 6 times in total.

Well that woman has a problem of her own, she's not direct.

OK, guys, if that was what she meant, she would have used a different tact, along the lines of, "you should pick up an attractive hobby, like snowboarding." or "you should get a speed boat, that would be fun to show off to dates."

It really is frustrating to me how often men here insist on reading negative things into comments that most likely are not meant that way. Negative is VERY unattractive, and that is a choice 100% within your own control.

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