Struggling: broke up with my first girlfriend

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I am an Aspie, who's 23. I had been dating this wonderful woman for 8 months, and she broke up with me earlier today (5/28).

We were doing long-distance, and were set to see each other every 7 weeks for about 10 days a trip. She has a stressful job that has her overseas, and I'm in graduate school and things haven't gone right for me at all this past year. We've had a rocky last few weeks, with how difficult things have been in our lives. I've been pretty depressed, and she's been stressed with her life.

Last Friday, I got a plan and some hope from my adviser, and talked to her about it. Told her I had 7 hard months ahead of me, and I'd be miserable, but if she supported me, I'll be there for her through thick and thin. She told me she wasn't sure, and tried to break up, but I calmed her down and we kept going. The next night, she tried to break up again after I got upset at her after she said something pretty mean to me. I calmed her down, and we decided to write out how to approach every reservation she had. We did, and she felt better. The next couple of nights, seemed a little shaky but better, and she reaffirmed her commitment to the relationship.

Last night (5/27), we were talking and everything was going nice. We got to a point where I told her to relax more about us, and she told me she still had reservations and that it shouldn't be so hard to be happy. I asked her what it meant, and she said she'd email me. I then asked if she was going to break up with me, and she said she'd also answer that in email. We talked more about other things, and laughed some. She told me before we stopped, that she loved me a lot, and that she wasn't going to break up with me.

This morning, I hadn't gotten her email yet. I saw her on Skype and called her. She told me to wait for the email. The email told me she was breaking up with me. That she had been coming to terms with it over the past few days. Her mind really wanted it to work out because she loved the idea of me and us and everything we'd do, but her heart told her that our relationship wasn't right for you. She didn't explain why, but just put it like that. She has a habit of looking for the reasons everything good she has will fail, and then picks at that until it does fail, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe she did that with our relationship, which makes it painful because it seems needless and something that'll make someone I love very much, very unhappy for a long time.

It's hard. I feel like there was more in our relationship still. Like there was more to do make it work. Like, if we weathered the storm, there would be some great things for both of us. It's hard. I don't feel closure, and I don't feel like it's not finished. She hasn't really responded to my rebuttal, and I don't think she will go for it. It's so painful though.

I need to stop fixating on it, because that's going to make it worse, but she was my first girlfriend. That, and having Asperger's makes it hard to not dwell. I'm also just really bummed about having to be single again, because it's so hard meeting women who I can be comfortable with, and then cool with my Asperger's. Just seems like having Asperger's makes it tougher to find someone again, and I'm afraid of what's out there. I love her so much, and I just feel like there was more.

As fellow people who have Asperger's, I figured you'd have some idea: how do I deal with all of this and move forward?

The Squid must say this is a rough issue for both aspies and neuro-typicals. Your first break up will always be the hardest. And, though it's not what you want to hear, there is no recipe for "Getting over it". As with many things, relief will come with time. All we can suggest, is that you spend time with your friends, and your hobbies. The more you stay active and interactive with the things around you, the easier it will be to keep your mind off of it.

You are more than welcome to speak with her about it, but as the saying goes, it takes two to tango, and it does not sound like her heart is in it. You will find someone else eventually. It may take a while, but keep your head up.

I am unfortunately across the country from all my family and friends and am quite alone. She was my best friend through everything I've dealt with in grad school, and that's what makes this extra hard, because I lost my support system here.

I would just love to have her back, or at least closure. I'd feel a lot more at ease if I knew what the hell happened, if it really is anything that could've been remedied.

I don't think it could've been remedied. I think the problem was the long distance issue and if she wanted a relationship with you, she would of wanted to see you more regularly. Long distance relationships rarely work and while some people may be able to maintain them, we have to be realistic about them. If the long distance aspect is not temporary and you don't have plans to eventually live closer to the person, then it's not going to last very long, unfortunately.

We actually set a date for closing the distance. I think that was part of it. She felt like that was losing control, even though it was a mutual agreement on it.

She told me she didn't like having to be accountable to others and having to compromise a bit, but wanted the benefits of a relationship, but also didn't want to date anyone that wouldn't have serious potential. That was a reservation she had the last couple weeks, but I told her I respected her and that she isn't really losing control, because I give her a fair say in everything and respect her wishes and opinions.

It all just seems so senseless, and I really want some answers, because it's hard not to think about how happy she made me feel.

I'm so sorry, breakups suck.

I think you're going to have to stop pressing for answers. That thing you're looking to do -- "tell me the problems and I'll devise solutions or argue you out of what you think"...you know, it doesn't work, all it does is pressure someone who's already decided. If a woman wants to be with you she will (assuming you want it, too). If she doesn't, she doesn't. She doesn't really owe you explanations. And it sounds like she did try to oblige you a few nights running about it. The closure is that she said goodbye. A lot of people have trouble with that and will go on trying to get answers...it doesn't go well.

It's good to think about how happy she made you, but also about how temporary things are in life. She made you feel happy; something or someone else will also make you feel happy. You're in grad school, so you have a built-in set of peers. Is there anyone you can go play basketball or something else with? Any groups of students getting together for anything?

I know it's something I shouldn't do, but at the same time, I always get fixated on things and have to figure them out. I just want to know how the hell something that was so wonderful soured on her so quickly. What I could do differently to win her back, or more importantly, avoid the fate with the next girl. I am praying I have a chance again with her, though I'm doubtful.

No, unfortunately. I'm the only student in my lab, and there's a lot of infighting in the department, so other students in the department keep to their own labs, so I'm alone. Also, having Asperger's as made it difficult to make friends with random people. Basically, I'm all alone 3,000 miles from my friends and family, and the one person who would regularly talk to me out here and actually visit me broke up with me.

It really sucks. I don't have anyone out here to help me feel less lonely, and I won't get to go home for a long time. The only person I've really gotten to see since Christmas was my girlfriend, who's now gone.

I've been through that cycle many times. Sometimes it's no big deal, other times it's a mess. The best way to get over it and move forward is to start by moving forward. Rather than waiting for a resolution of your feelings as a prerequisite, start doing things.

As far as figuring out the exact reason why she broke up with you, that may never be known - she may not know. Perhaps, after a while, something will occur to you in retrospect. And, her reason for the breakup may be entirely unrelated to you. For instance, I had a girlfriend mysteriously kicked me to the curb. I wondered what I had done, because it was abrupt with no explanation. Later, I found out her son had tried LSD, manifested latent schizophrenia, and was under court-ordered commitment. She didn't want me in the mess and didn't want anyone to know about the latent schizophrenia gene in her family. The kid never fully recovered and the issue became common knowledge. But, I didn't find out until a few years later. So, who knows?

Oh, that does suck. Most departments have a lot of infighting now, consequence of the money going away on all sides. But if you're at a large university there's probably some sort of grad-college site with links to grad-student organizations, some of which are activity-based (hiking, biking, ultimate, film, gaming, depends on what's around you). You don't have to stick with scientists, plus it's grad school, the incidence of Aspergers is not tiny. Most of the sci/eng grad romances I know are interdepartmental, come to think of it. And you can always go to whoever's in your grad student union or government and just say hi, I don't know anyone here, is there anything for me to do.

I'd say make yourself go out, don't bury yourself in the lab. Just -- on the calendar, Fridays from 7-10 pm, you're out somewhere, and maybe something else Sunday mornings, a coffeehouse or something. Check the student-group calendars for what's on, or local meetups. Something with physical activity isn't a bad idea -- keeps you saner, and keeps you from becoming one with the bench. It'll also keep you from staying home and googlestalking her, reviewing old chats, etc.

I think she's someone that's very indecisive, and rereading one of our old chats (I know that's a bad idea), she mentioned how she thought staying with me would make her happier in the long run, but it'd be more painful now. She also said she didn't want to be held accountable to someone else, and that she wanted to be able to do whatever she wanted. She wanted the company of a serious relationship, without the work. I think she felt that all the devotion I showed to her was daunting and created a set of expectations she had to fulfill, and I think that scared her, along with her being my main support here in grad school (always had me on edge).

I'd still really like her back, and I plan on giving her space, but I can't stop thinking of her moving on quickly and being with other men (she values her self-worth on if guys want to have sex with her, though she ends up regretting it). I hate the idea of it, and I want to stop thinking about it, but I can't. What are some strategies to stop doing that?

I'm mostly over her, though. I think the stresses of her career change and being stuck overseas for work hurt, and my grad school isolation put a lot of stress on the relationship. I think her tendency to always pick at problems, and her general not wanting to work at anything made her unsuitable for any serious relationship, as much as she initially wanted one.

I guess I'm frustrated and still want her back for some reason. I don't know what to do.

You want her back because you were enjoying the relationship, that's normal. But a woman who's willing to keep up an LDR for several months and travel thousands of miles to see you doesn't strike me as someone who's "not willing to work at anything". I mean at this point it sounds to me like you're edging towards characterizing her as a brainless, indecisive slut who wants things handed to her on a platter, and that's not a cool direction to be heading in. To me, given your description of the breakup, it just sounds like she didn't want this relationship. I think the thing you'll have to accept, in the end, is that you aren't owed an answer and may never get one. It just broke, boo. It's not fixable. She's already told you flat out she doesn't want it fixed, so you have to respect that and let it be, find other things to do. What did you enjoy doing before you met her?

You might also want to take a hard look at that trouble with taking no for an answer -- she was trying for days to break up with you, and you kept not letting her do it, hounding her for reasons that you then "fixed". Here is a very extreme, but not actually all that rare, set of "can't take no for an answer/can't respect the no" reactions: http://whenwomenrefuse.tumblr.com . I'm not saying you're like that, but the impulse to keep chasing the why, as though you can fix things and make her come back, is not unrelated to what happened in these stories. The guys all believed they had the right to something. But women, even women you love who are decent, lovely, together human beings, are allowed not to want to be in relationships with you. Very nice, smart, got-it-going-on men are also allowed not to want me.

You haven't said anything yet about what activities exist at your school for grad students in general, not just in your discipline. What's out there?

She told me she wants the benefits of a relationship but doesn't want the work involved to have a relationship. She is not a slut, but she has specifically told me she feels worthless when she's not sleeping with someone because she feels like no one really likes her for her (which has made me sad, because she offers so much but doesn't believe in herself). She told me she wants a direction in life handed to her, but doesn't want people helping her because it takes the decision away from her. She told me that if she could, she'd just like to be a student in college forever and never have to work. She told me she doesn't like having responsibility or having to be accountable for her actions. She told me she thought I was the one, but at the same time that it scared her having such a big piece of her life figured out because she felt like she had expectations to live up to for someone she believed she wasn't good enough for (which, I thought she was too good for me!). She is very indecisive, and for most things, she doesn't like work.

I am giving her space and respecting that. She told me to email or message my thoughts on the breakup. I sent a couple just telling her I thought there was more still, and still would like to work things out or know we really did do everything, and told her regardless of what happens, I hope she'll be happy.

Introspectively, I know what went wrong. I should've let go the first time, and I should've just let it be. It's really, really hard for me to let go of just about anything, as I take things I care about really seriously. She made me feel happy, and fulfilled, and was my best friend through a lot of struggles here, and I really miss even just talking to her. As tough as it is not hearing from her, I plan on giving her space, and if she comes back or talks to me about what happened, great. I really want to move on, but it's just tough.



Before I met her, I was absolutely lonely and miserable and drank every night because of how depressed grad school made me. When not at grad school, I usually golfed, and played video games, and made sure to do things with my friends. The thing that made me happiest, though, was working my summer job selling fruit. Felt really good to accomplish something and the work just made me feel happy and fulfilled, not too dissimilar to how I felt having this relationship.



I'm not able to join any of the intramural sports leagues here. The graduate student association here is not really a social thing, though, as it's more professional. That's really all I can find here.

What are some other strategies to get over her? I really, really want to stop thinking about her and get on with life.

Well, patience will help. I mean this just happened, right? It'll take a while.

What about meetups in your area? Any groups that look even remotely interesting?

Don't drink for anesthesia/boredom-cure, you'll regret it and it'll kill you after making you ill and unhappy for a long time.

It sounds like having a plain old make-something-happen job worked great for you. Actual work. And it's a great thing to do alongside lab work, which so seldom ends in anything definitively wonderful. If you're a grad student in a lab, you've probably got a contract that lays out the number of hours a week you're meant to be working; get a job, or even a volunteer job, doing manual/retail/in-person/not-staring-at-a-screen useful work in the company of other people.

Being out amongst other people is key, because that's where you meet other romantic interests. But the sad fact is that yeah, it's going to hurt a while, and ache for a while after that. That's just how breakups go, especially when they weren't your choice. But it will fade, and other things, other people will come into your life.

About grad school being depressing -- depression's endemic in grad school because honestly it's a horrible experience for so many people. And if you're in sciences, there's gigantic pressure on you because your PI depends on you for his career and doesn't likely have much of a sense of humor about it. Plus being in a toxic department can make even the sunniest person miserable. Are there postdocs in your lab? Undergrads?

I'd also really suggest looking for a decent therapist -- you're going through several crises simultaneously, on your own, in difficult circumstances. It's good to have someone to just ramble to, the therapist may actually be helpful, and it's good to have a standing appointment to attend, something to get you off-campus. If you have a counseling service on-campus too, that might be useful -- they see depressed grad students all the time. Are you committed to the work itself, do you enjoy it, is it where you want to go career wise? Also, what kind of a career are you looking to have?

Happened Wednesday. Still can't stop thinking about what I could've done better and how things could've been saved and what we would be doing in a couple weeks if she just held out and let us rekindle things in person (we always left each trip thinking even better about our future together, but this work hitch for her overseas has been extremely hard on her to the point of being completely dysfunctional at work).



There's a game shop, and I used to play Magic: The Gathering, but that's not a good place to meet women, nor do I have the budget to spend a ton on card games and RPGs.



I'm the only grad student in my lab, and no undergrads or postdocs. It's what makes being here even lonelier.



I actually, at my ex's request, went to counseling every week. Unfortunately, the counselor made me feel like I was wasting their time, so I stopped going a couple of weeks ago once what I paid for the semester was finished.



I'm not really committed anymore, due to a lot of rotten circumstances here that were out of my control that also drastically changed my career goals. I only was staying grad school for my ex, and my parents. One's gone and the others have given me their blessing to leave. I was going to try to do research, but my experiences here soured me on it, but my career goal is to just have a job related to buying and selling fruit, and live in a place that I feel happy. My grad school is in a very remote location, and that was a strain on me, and eventually the relationship I held so dear to me. This whole year has taught me how important living near people and a city actually means to me.