Why desperation is not really a turn off.

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Aaendi
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31 May 2014, 12:19 pm

It's not really a turn off, because if somebody doesn't call you back in the first place, no amount of waiting patiently for them is going to change their mind anyway. If they were attracted to you, they would respond immediately. If they don't, they don't.

Azereiah
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31 May 2014, 12:22 pm

Aaendi wrote:

"Desperation" can drive a wedge between two people already in a relationship.

Stargazer43
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31 May 2014, 1:04 pm

It's my belief that plenty of us are desperate, but only a few of us actually admit it

ReverieMe
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31 May 2014, 1:22 pm

I'd have to disagree. I've cringed away from people because they seemed to care more about the validation of my attention or being in a relationship than me, a.k.a. desperate.

aspiemike
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31 May 2014, 1:37 pm

I'm seeing here in the responses of this thread already that the lines are blurred on what being desperate means. One person will tell you that you are desperate for calling them too soon. Or perhaps maybe because one person is constantly calling and texting and you haven't even had the time to respond yet because you were sleeping, at work, busy, etc.

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ReverieMe
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31 May 2014, 2:03 pm

aspiemike wrote:

I'm seeing here in the responses of this thread already that the lines are blurred on what being desperate means. One person will tell you that you are desperate for calling them too soon. Or perhaps maybe because one person is constantly calling and texting and you haven't even had the time to respond yet because you were sleeping, at work, busy, etc.

I'd call that "smothering", which is also a turn-off as I have enough to manage and be afraid of as it is without expecting a fight, suspicion, anger, or accusations (the usual reactions) if I can't respond fast enough.

This was also something I hated growing up. Being slow, clumsy, or easily distracted and getting yelled at for it as if I'd been trying to make life worse for everyone around me.

starkid
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31 May 2014, 2:16 pm

ReverieMe wrote:

I'd have to disagree. I've cringed away from people because they seemed to care more about the validation of my attention or being in a relationship than me, a.k.a. desperate.

That's not what desperate means. Desperation is a intense desire that can attach to anything or anyone. A person could be desperate for attention and a relationship, and/or that same person could be desperate for you personally.

ReverieMe
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31 May 2014, 2:20 pm

starkid wrote:

ReverieMe wrote:

I'd have to disagree. I've cringed away from people because they seemed to care more about the validation of my attention or being in a relationship than me, a.k.a. desperate.

It can mean both. I've never experienced it towards myself specifically, so I don't tend to interpret it that way when the definition is left open.

hale_bopp
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31 May 2014, 3:17 pm

Aaendi wrote:

um.. how does this make desperation not a turn off? It really is. It can make or break attraction.

sly279
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31 May 2014, 3:19 pm

ReverieMe wrote:

aspiemike wrote:

I'm seeing here in the responses of this thread already that the lines are blurred on what being desperate means. One person will tell you that you are desperate for calling them too soon. Or perhaps maybe because one person is constantly calling and texting and you haven't even had the time to respond yet because you were sleeping, at work, busy, etc.

so how long does one wait after sending or receiving a text?

is not hearing back for 3 weeks ok to be suspicious, when you know they've read you're text and been on and talked to others?

starkid
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31 May 2014, 3:21 pm

ReverieMe wrote:

It can mean both. I've never experienced it towards myself specifically, so I don't tend to interpret it that way when the definition is left open.[/quote]

I see now that I was thinking of the formal definition, and that's not what you meant.

ReverieMe
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31 May 2014, 3:34 pm

sly279 wrote:

ReverieMe wrote:

aspiemike wrote:

I'm seeing here in the responses of this thread already that the lines are blurred on what being desperate means. One person will tell you that you are desperate for calling them too soon. Or perhaps maybe because one person is constantly calling and texting and you haven't even had the time to respond yet because you were sleeping, at work, busy, etc.

so how long does one wait after sending or receiving a text?

is not hearing back for 3 weeks ok to be suspicious, when you know they've read you're text and been on and talked to others?

If someone isn't responding to questions or attempts to make plans together for a few days, that's likely a problem. I don't think several texts a day or anything like that is a good idea, though.

I don't believe in playing hard to get with responding to received texts and having a set wait time as long as you're not pressuring someone for a response, because I do agree that someone who wants to talk will talk and very few people will be away for more than a day or two. Unless you know them to be particularly scatterbrained and to be that way with everyone.

Aaendi
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31 May 2014, 4:04 pm

hale_bopp wrote:

Aaendi wrote:

um.. how does this make desperation not a turn off? It really is. It can make or break attraction.

Because being perceived as "desperate" is the effect, not the cause.

The_Face_of_Boo
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31 May 2014, 4:04 pm

I often see when a desperate man meets a desperate woman, they form a relationship.

spongy told me once that my main problem that I am NOT desperate enough and he is right, he gave excellent concrete examples back then.

starkid
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31 May 2014, 4:09 pm

Aaendi wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

um.. how does this make desperation not a turn off? It really is. It can make or break attraction.

Because being perceived as "desperate" is the effect, not the cause.

I'm with hale_bopp; I don't quite understand what you mean. I think you mean that a person who calls/texts alot, etc. only seems desperate because they are reacting to the person who won't respond to them, and they wouldn't act that way if they got a timely response. That's fair, however, there are people who act desperate even when they get sufficient attention.

aspiemike
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31 May 2014, 5:45 pm

ReverieMe wrote:

aspiemike wrote:

I'm seeing here in the responses of this thread already that the lines are blurred on what being desperate means. One person will tell you that you are desperate for calling them too soon. Or perhaps maybe because one person is constantly calling and texting and you haven't even had the time to respond yet because you were sleeping, at work, busy, etc.

smothering to me is still a desperate act... especially when done if there is no relationship yet and the person only just met you.

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