Is having "date backup" a good idea?

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A friend of mine has a 1st date tonight with a guy she met on a dating site. She's asked me to remain on call so I can "coincidently" show up and rescue her in case he turns out to be a creeper.

At the time, I was playing Mario Kart with a friend whom has some (very unfortunate) "men's rights" leanings. He took great offense to this idea and claimed she was being unfair to the guy by fabricating a rescue plan before even meeting him and should just be willing to reject him outright instead. He also takes offense to what he calls "creep shaming" and was annoyed that I we would use that label because it stereotypes socially awkward men.

I tried to explain to him how women often have very good reasons to be wary and explained the difference between a creeper and a socially awkward person.
To paraphrase: Socially Awkward people may not fully understanding boundries but will respect them once made clear. Creepy people don't respect boundries and will attempt to subvert them regardless of whether they're clear or not. Many times polite rejection just doesn't work on creeps so calling in a friend to act as "3rd wheel buffer" may be underhanded but it reduces the risk of her having to breakout her pepper spray (like she's had to in the past.)

My girlfriend, on our first date, made sure to have a friend know where she was just in case and I think thats smart for everyone to do. You never know who might want to wear your skin as a suit.

I don't see a big issue, and you are one heck of a good friend to her.

A divorced father here at work is big time into that "men's rights" stuff, you don't want to get him started. Hmmm... I wonder about him now.

What is it? Something like when a married woman is murdered, about 70% of the time it is the husband? Just fall back on that if you start questioning yourself over this.

I think you're Mario Kart friend is somewhere right in the idea that she's not giving him a chance by already having a tight exit strategy planned. Although it could also be a way to protect/hide her feelings/desire of hoping it's going to be really fun.


It's a good idea to let someone know where you are and with who when it's the first time meeting. But it's a different thing to have a friend on standby to show up and collect you with some kind of TV Comedy routine when it's not fun and you don't have the balls/tits to just get up and say you're leaving.

Meet somewhere where there's other people so you can ask the waiter/whoever to escort you to your car/distance away if the guy is really that much of a creep.

Don't go to the woods/somewhere secluded and have a friend standby in case the guy is such a creep that you're afraid of it "going bad" if you get up and leave. Call/Text the police instead. If the creep wants to wear your skin, having your friend come over just gives him two suits for the price of one, unless you live in a place where you're friend could be allowed to bring a gun, but then you may as well bring your own. But of course the axemurderer will probably have one too then.

I'm not currently on dating sites, but I've done it before and I've had plenty of first dates and met a few women who I dated for an extended time.

For the first and perhaps first few dates, the best strategy is for both parties to get to the date spot by their own means, thus everyone has a mode of instant retreat. And, meet in a pubic place, at a time when lots of people are around. Let me tell you, there are plenty of fakes and creepy people on dating sites. I've shown up to meet a woman who marked "No" to smoking, but her smoker breath was enough to kill - yuck! And, one woman was an alcoholic who was just interested in a free drunk - when I arrived, she was inebriated with an accumulated bar tab and expected her bar tab to get rolled into the dinner bill, which I was to pay. There was the one who said in her profile that she had no children, but she actually had several who had been legally taken from her due to neglect and abuse. One of the worst was a woman who kept looking at me saying over and over again "You can't understand me. No one understands me. People don't know what they do to me." With her, I ate my meal, paid the tab, and gracefully got out ASAP. I use a simple rule - When you plan your first date, be optimistic, but keep your options continually open.

Also, for your first few dates, resist the temptation to meet at places which are your usual hangouts. I had a women who made a point of going where I regularly went to bump into me - she was nice and well-intended, but she was also nuts and became a real problem. I live in a large metro area, so I can pick a nice place far away from where I live and where I'll probably never go to again, certainly not on a regular basis.

If you use brains, you substantially reduce the need for brawn.

Anytime ANYBODY meets a stranger from the internet they should do it in a public place and let someone know where they are going and who they are meeting. It isn't shaming socially awkward people to make sure you are safe. Thank you for being the kind of friend that a woman can call on in such a situation.

In this sense, I don't see why its a problem. I thought backup date to mean something else (ie. Bigger better deal type)

If I'm meeting someone for the first time, I prefer doing it in a populated place in broad daylight, and having separate transportation.

Not because I'm afraid of them, but because I'm a big, scary guy and I want the other party to be as comfortable as possible, by means of having an exit route and plenty of people nearby.

It's not sexism. It's prudent planning.
Eventually the day will come when that person will feel totally comfortable around their date, but jumping in with no protection immediately is a bad idea.

NOTHING wrong with having a safety backup. Especially for a woman (the whole easier to physically overpower thing), but also for a guy. I have played "safety" for a 300-lb, 6'2" man. I would do it again.

I thought this was going to be about whether it's OK to have a "back-up date" scheduled in case the first one falls apart (silly) or about asking someone else to discreetly tag along to bail you out if your social skills take a crap (a sweet thought, but apt to backfire-- trust me!!).

Having a safety backup is actually pretty much standard meeting-in-person-for-the-first-time advice. DEFINITELY on the list of stuff I tell my kids, and ABSOLUTELY something I wish I had done.

You know why this is wrong? It's because you are asked to be an exit plan, not a protector. It's totally ok to take protection measures, but how you are going to know she's in danger if he grabbed her? and shouldn't be just there in the dating place because otherwise it's too late?

Most of my dates from online dating happened in plain days and public places, like malls, and few brought a female friend along. That would be more effective.

Plus, why no one buys an electric gun??

Definitely a good idea to have a 'plan C' (plan B being a gentle rejection), especially if she has in the past had t bring out pepper spray as you said she has had to do.

If my date brought a "safety backup", I'd end the date right on the spot, toss my money on the table, and tell her to never contact me again. It shows immaturity and lack of trust. I always schedule my dates in a public place in a busy area, for her comfort, as well as my safety. She's also really behind the times, with a 90's view of dating That's way back when you made sure nobody found out that you were on a dating site, and you talked for months before meeting in person, like ShopGrl88 and NY152 (get the movie reference?). I had one girl suggest that me and her each bring a friend to the first meeting, but I talked her out of it. My logic was that I like to make sure we get along well one-on-one before dragging friends into it. We had a nice chat over ice cream at Baskin Robbins, and dated for about a month after that. On another first date many years later, me and the girl went hiking in a forest preserve. Nobody brought any security guards.

I dont worry about that sort of thing, I dont like crowded busy places and Im trusting.

also in my experience the only times Ive been hurt/hit/raped is by friends, spouses or parents, never by a stranger.